Dolls in Dollhouses (A Jonnor Fanfiction)

Part 22

Dammit. Dammit. Dammit. Damn. I fucked up. He hates me.
Hatehatehatehatehates. Me.
I call over and over, a few times he answers but that doesn't matter since he won't say anything to me.
I don't know what to say either, so I hang up.
The 5th time I call I get the balls to say something, "are you okay?"
Silence.
"Do you hate me?"
There's a shuffle sound on the phone line, heavy breathing, but no clear words.
"Okay fine," I sigh, "when you want to talk just text....or call."
I hang up.
***
LovehateIlovehimIhatehimIneedhimIusedhim.
My words can't come out smoothly when I try to explain my simple mistake.
"We were so worried."
"I-I'm-" am I sorry now? Now that I'm sure I lost him again but this time forever.
"You're...." Mom tries to get it out of me.
"It was a mistake," I pause, correcting myself quickly, "I mean I didn't mean to fall asleep it just kind of happened."
Everything just kind of happened. I should be regretful. But I'm only guilty.
"Im just glad you're alright," mama says as the good cop as always.
Mom gives her a don't-be-so-light-on-him look. But let's face it she's always light on me, I'm considered the baby in this family.
"Love let me talk to mama really quick."
I leave the kitchen, but not fully. I stand outside in the hallway that leads to the stairs.
"He has to have consequences," Stef whispers sternly.
"It was a mistake Stef, try telling me you never done that."
She goes quiet for a minute, "just because he's your baby doesn't mean we are going to treat him like one."
"He's our baby."
"I know they are all our babies Lena, but they are teenagers if we let them off once with a warning, well you know how that ended up with Jesus."
"Lexi wasn't pregnant. And Jude's gay."
"What about Taylor?"
It's Lena's turn to be quiet. But she soon has an excuse, "maybe he's bisexual. Or confused."
"He told Callie that he's not into guys anymore." I can imagine Stef putting her hands on her hips.
If only if they knew what I did. No longer their baby.
"So? I told my mom I was straight before, while I had a girlfriend. I was embarrassed."
"About Connor? He wasn't embarrassed of him."
I flinch at his name.
"I don't know Stef," Lena sighs, "can we just give him a warning. If we ground him that means he can't see his friend," friend. Right cause I only have 1. "He's just been so sad lately and finally he's happy since hanging out with Siris or what ever his name is." She's getting frustrated.
I hear Stef sigh, "fine, a warning. But just because of what's he's been going through."
What have I been going through? I wasn't aware I was going through anything.
"Okay I'll go tell him," Lena says.
As quietly as possible I run to the living room.
She enters as soon as I sit down.
"Am I in trouble?"
"No just a warning," she sits down next to me, "please don't do it again."
"I won't, I promise."
I know I shouldn't promise.
***
"Hello?" Siris asks through the phone, acting like he doesn't have my home phone number. My phone is currently dead, and is going to stay that way until I figure out what to say to Connor.
"I talked to Connor today." I spit out, like its some forbidden secret that I just couldn't hold onto anymore. Like I needed to tell someone.
"Oh....and?"
"I think he hates me."
He laughs, "that's what you said before. What did he say?"
"He didn't actually say anything."
"What do you mean? You said you talked to him."
"I talked to him, never said he talked to me."
"Oh... Well if you still have feelings for him then I mean I understand..."
"No I mean I don't know." I don't know, that's the problem.
"Okay," there's annoyance in his voice, "no offense Jude but I mean we had sex, you can't just have sex with someone then completely push them away the next day because you might have feelings for your ex, still."
"I thought you didn't care."
"Of course I care! I'm human, I care, I care that you love someone else. I care."
"No I meant you said you didn't care about you know...?" Sex.
"Well I lied." He spats, then stops and takes a deep breath, "it's okay, I don't care. Never mind."
"But you do." I point out because there's nothing else to say.
"Maybe I do."
"So tell me!"
"I don't want to make you mad or push you away, I don't want to get mad because honestly I'm on the edge right now."
"Sorry," I mumble, making it sound like I don't mean it.
"It's fine," a sigh, "I'm going to go."
I don't even get to say goodbye.