Calum
I watched over the sky as it turned from a dark blue to a orangey colour. I've been sitting out here for an hour now, and I can honestly say this one of the most beautiful things I've witnessed. I turn my head to look back at Taylor; she's sleeping so peacefully. Now that's probably the most beautiful thing I've seen with my two eyes. I feel a slight breeze, which causes the trees to rustle.
My mind plays back to the events that has happened hours earlier. The look in her eyes scares me. She looks at me with such an intense emotion, and it kills me that I can't give that back to her. I feel so guilty for taking something I should've have in the first place. That kind of thing should be for someone worthy of it. Not someone who fucks up, not for someone who's worthless, not for someone who's going to ruin her. Not me. I hope to god this didn't make her fall in love with me. I don't know what I would do if she tells me that. I just know I don't want to hear it come from her lips. I can't give her the things that she needs. She needs stability, I'm definitely not that. I'm a ticking time bomb. Fuck, I'm so involved with her deeply, that it would be hard to back out. But if I leave now she can't love me, I can't give her the time to love me. I need to leave. This will be for the best, I won't ruin someone I care about. That's what I need to do, this is what needs to be done.
---
I load the last of the bags into back of my vehicle. I'm pretty sure Taylor can sense my uneasiness, fuck, you could probably feel it from miles away. I hop into the drivers seat and set us off on our way as fast as possible. I just want to get to back so I can go drink with Luke or something, get my mind off this. I'm feeling like such a shitty person. Timing couldn't be worse for me to realize all of this shit. She's going to think I used her for sex, and that's definitely the last thing I want her to think. But it won't matter what I say, she'll think it. I know.
"Calum?" She questions quietly.
"Hmm."
"Is everything alright?"
"Yup." I answer.
"I just feel that there is."
"Well there isn't," I sigh.
The rest of the drive, there was not one word said.
---
I pulled into Taylor's driveway putting my car in park. I stared ahead of me; not wanting to make eye contact with her. "So I'll see you later?" I just nodded my head.
"Thank you for this weekend I had fun." I can pick up the sadness in her voice. My heart is literally breaking for doing this to her, but this is what needs to be done; I repeat to myself.
"Of course Taylor." I say in a low tone.
I give her a slight glance. She looked confused and sad, which breaks my heart. I hate knowing that I cause her pain; that's the last thing I want to do to her. This has to be done, otherwise in the long run it will be worse for her.
"Okay see you." She says quietly.
"Bye." I say without looking at her.
As soon I know she's out of my car , I back out and drive to Luke's; knowing he'll done to drink.
--
One week later
Banging on the door causes me to awake from my peaceful sleep. My head instantly starts pounding, I let out a groan in response. I'm hoping that the pounding will go away, and I can go back to sleep. I close my eyes once more after it goes quite, but it's not long after until it starts again. "Fuck." I get up from my couch managing to knock down empty bottles in the process. I reach my door and yank it open: I find Ashton with a scowl on his face. "What?" I spit. He pushes past me and walks into the living. "Come in." I say sarcastically. I join Ashton in the living seconds later. "What can I help you with?"
"Why haven't you been at school?" He has his dad voice on; which causes me to let out a annoyed groan.
"I haven't been feeling it."
"You haven't been feeling it?" He repeats.
"That's what I said."
"Do you even want to graduate?"
I sigh and rub my temples because my head is pounding and Ashton here playing dad isn't helping me. I turn around and walk to my kitchen. I open my fridge to find more beer; so I grab one and pop the lid open. If I'm going to deal with Ashton I'm definitely going to need one of these, if not plenty. I sit down on my couch and take a nice sip of my cold beer.
"What has gotten into you?"
"Nothing," I shrug.
"You're not going to school, you're sitting around drinking your life away, and you pushed away probably the one person that cares about you so much." Ashton rambles on, but my attention catches where he mentions Taylor.
"You talked to Taylor?"
"Yeah."
"Why?" I asked harshly.
"She wanted to know if you were alright, because you won't pick up your phone."
"Maybe she should just leave me alone and take the hint." I roll my eyes and take another sip of me beer.
"What the fuck is wrong with you?" I can tell Ashton is much more angrier than he was when he first stepped into my house.
"Nothing." I answer simply. I know there is a lot wrong with me but I would rather not list all the things and talk about it.
Ashton lets out a heavy sigh. "You're pathetic Calum, really."
"Thanks for letting me know."
"I'm not sure why you're now starting to self destruct, you were doing so well. I hope you know that girl won't hold onto you forever. I just hope you know how much of shit person you are being to her right now." With that Ashton leaves my house. He leaves me with my thoughts and all my guilt. I know how much of shitty person I'm being, that's why I've been drinking. I hate to think about the pain I'm putting her through, but just a little longer and she'll get over me. "Just a little longer." I whisper to myself before I chug back the rest of my beer.
_________________________________________
I want to love you, but I don't know how.
