Author's Games: Samurai

Sponsorship Battle Task: Feedback

Clan 1: Sachi Miyoshi verses Clan 5: Ashikaga clan.

Sachi Miyoshi, even though this battle task isn't scored, I'm still going to give feedback and tell you what you would have scored. First off all, I must say that you have an absolutely beautiful writing style. Your vocabulary and the way that you use the words is just so beautiful to read. You did a good job with characterization, and how ruthless she is. The battle itself was somewhat intense and all the action was correct. With that being said, just like everyone, you have room to improve. You had three grammar mistakes, which would have taken off 0.1 for grammar. Though your style and use of vocabulary makes your wording and sentences beautiful, sometimes your sentences get extremely lengthy. There were six sentences where you did major run-on's that could have been condensed, so you would have had 0.3 taken off from sentence structure. This also made it almost overwhelming to read at times, too detailed, because several times I had to go back and re-read sentences to make sense of it all, and doing so took me out of the story. It was really short, and I would have liked to see more, so I would have taken off 0.1 point for length since it wasn't even 1,000 words. This kept the battle from being as intense and detailed as it could have been, and also made it feel as if you barely did the bare minimum of the task. You also didn't offer much background as to why she was attacking them, what was going on (such as the reason for battle), or offer up any explanation as to why she was on the battlefield in the first place, so I would have also taken off 0.1 for creativity, 0.1 for character being historically accurate, and 0.1 for engagement. If there was a score, you would have gotten 12.2.

Ashikaga didn't hand in twice, one of which was a battle task. Even though this was a sponsorship battle task, Ashikaga has been officially eliminated from the competition.

That being said, Sachi Miyoshi wins the battle by default. 

Clan 2: Kyou Asai attacking Clan 9: Naoki Hojo

I loved how both of you coordinated with this task. Both of you have the most detailed, intense and historically accurate battle scenes I've ever read in my life, and it's safe to say that you both intimate even MY ability to write a good samurai story. It was definitely a really close call.

I don't think I'm going to score battle tasks (this is new so I'm still figuring out how this works), but for now I've decided to at least tell you both what you word have scored.

Naoki Hojo... Your opening was hooking, and throughout the entire story I was engaged. I wasn't bored for a second. The way you described the outside battle was amazing, and I felt like I was watching an epic Japanese movie about the samurai. The part about having the archers stand to the side and having the swordsmen protect them was a really awesome creative idea and I completely loved it. You had one grammar mistake (didn't put an "ed" on a word, leaving it present tense instead of past), so you would have gotten 0.1 taken away for that. Throughout the entry, there was no place where I really got the feels, so for task one really work on endearing Naoki to me as a character. But that fight scene between Naoki and Kyou was just... wow. Epic. No other words for something so amazing. In total, you would have scored 12.8

Kyou Asai... Kyou was very well included throughout the story and I loved how you further developed him as a character by showing us how he acted in battle. Just like Naoki, you included Japanese terms and styles in your action scenes, but there was something about the detailed way you portrayed it that made me feel as if I was inside Japan 1560 on a battlefield. At one point, you talked about how Kyou's forces were tired from traveling, which means Naoki's were well rested, but they were still camped. This added a layer of realism so that this didn't just feel as if I was reading only a story. I felt as if I was reading an actual account of history. There were no syntax errors at all, so once again that made for a smooth read. I also got the feels toward the end, for how Kyou felt about failure, which also added realism for him as a samurai. You would have scored a 13.