When the doctor said he's awake, I wasn't able to move from the ground where I was standing. I just stood there, like a statue. Hindi ko alam kung paano ko ba siya kakausapin. Natatakot akong makita siyang nasasaktan dahil sa akin. Natatakot akong masaktan siya dahil sa akin.
Nanatili ako sa on call room at hindi mapalagay. Kailangan ko na itong harapin. I need to move on, right? Hindi ko dapat takasan si Ismael. I meed to properly talk to him. I need to know what happened all these years. I need to know why he would choose to die rather than to move on from me. Masakit man, pero dapat harapin.
Bumangon ako at dumiretso na ng kwarto niya. He's awake and he's talking to his crying mother. Halatang sinira ko ang moment nila.
"Anak, iwan ko muna kayo ni Alex. Mag-usap muna kayo." Ngumiti siya at lumabas. Umupo naman ako sa tabi niya at hinawakan ang kamay niya. He bitterly smiled at me.
"Binisita ako ng nga magulang mo. They still worried about me kahit na masama ang nagawa ko sayo. What did I do to deserve their kindness? Ginago ko lang sila." Sabi niya habang nakatingin sa akin.
"Ipakulong mo ako. I stalked you." He said.
"No. Hindi ko gagawin 'yon, Ismael. Kasalanan ko kung bakit ka nagkaganyan. Kung di dahil sa akin, hindi mo pipiliing gawin 'yon. I neglected you. I'm very sorry."
"Alex, wag ka nang umiyak. Tapos na ang lahat. Wala nang mananakit sayo. Wala nang hahadlang sa inyo ni... Xavier. Hindi ko na kayo guguluhin. Tama na ang kahibangang ginawa ko. Hindi ko na kayang makita kang umiiyak because I love you so much. Ikaw lang minahal ko. Ikaw lang. Hindi lang ako makapaniwalang nakuha ka ng iba. Sayang, Alex. Sayang talaga." He began crying my heart broke when he shed his first teardrop. Hindi ko maipaliwanag ang nararamdaman ko
"Bakit mas pipiliin mong mamatay ha, Ismael?! Napakadaya mo naman. Gusto mong takasan ang lahat? Hindi naman kita basta na lang iiwanan. Minaliit mo ang pagkakaibigan natin. Maiintindihan naman kita. Paano mong nagawa 'yon? Paano na lang kung namatay ka? Anong mararamdaman nila Tita Martha? Napakaunfair mo din. Si Sandra, paano na? Iiwanan mo na lang? Ang daya mo. 'Yong bata iyong-iyo. Kamukha mo. How can you abandon them by dying? How can you be so unfair?"
I reached on a napkin and wiped his tears. He sniffed.
"Because life isn't fair. Dapat kasi akin ka. Dapat tayong dalawa pero bakit dumating si Xavier at si Sandra sa buhay natin? Masaya tayong dalawa. Masaya tayo. Bakit kailangang hadlangan nila? Bakit? Hindi mo siguro ako maiintindihan. Masaya ka kasi, ako miserable. 'Yung sakit ng katawan ko halos wala pa sa kalahati ng sakit sa puso ko. You don't know my pain. You don't how it feels like kasi mahal na mahal niyo ang isa't isa. Tama ba?"
I exhaled.
"Yes, mahal na mahal ko si Xavier. He's the air that fills my lungs. He's the water that quenches my thirst. Siya na ang buhay ko. Sila na ni Ethan ang buhay ko. They're my family now and you have yours. Wag mong sayangin ang asawa at anak na meron ka. One day, you'll soon realize how much they really mean to you. Magsisisi ka din. Don't abandon your child. Soon you'll find yourself wanting to be a father to that kid. Make this recovery in your heart and soul as well. Stop centering your life in me. Stop loving me. Stop worshipping me. I'm not the one. Ismael, you have to move on from me and live your life to the fullest. Don't waste this second life given to you. You should be grateful."
His grip tightened on my hands. I felt the shivering coldness of his skin. I'm the one responsible. I am to blame. I should pay. I should suffer for breaking his heart. He suffered enough. How did I just let it happen? Totoo nga bang nakalimutan ko siya? Did I... lose myself?
"It's easy to say that, Alex. You're living a positive life. Hinding-hindi mo ako maiintindihan. Masaya ka kasi. Paano naman ako? No one really understood me. I love you a lot. Hindi ko rin alam kung bakit. Natakot ako nung malaman ko sa sarili kong mahal kita. Para na kitang kapatid eh, kaso paano ko ba pipigilan ang sarili ko? Paano nga ba? Pwede nha ba kitang kalimutan? Sana nagka-amnesia na lang ako. I want to forget you badly. I badly want you out of ny life, Alex. You're my destruction; my sweetest downfall. Gusto ko muna sanang gumaling nang wala ka. Gusto kong makalimutan ka. Layuan mo na lang ako. Hindi ako galit sayo. Galit ako sa sarili ko."
BINABASA MO ANG
How deep is your love?
Romance(Medical Series #1) Will you love a broken man with too much baggage attached? What if a stalker comes along and tries to break the both of you, will you let go? Now, how deep is your love? Alexandra's story
