Drown Me (Joshler)

Two

     It was nearly 10 am by now, and I hoped I would make it back before Josh woke up. The cold air stung my bare hands and putting them in the pocket of Josh's hoodie only helped so much. I practically jogged the rest of the way to Josh's house. I had to pass the bridge on the way there, though, and I couldn't help but slow when I started getting close to it. No, I can't now, I told myself. I had to stay alive because without me, Josh had no one with him. I had only met Josh two days ago, but I didn't want him to die. He didn't deserve to, not like I did.

     I managed to pass the bridge and continued to half walk, half jog to Josh's house. When I got there, I opened the door the same way I had walking into my house earlier. I opened it slowly, carefully, and took a step inside.
“Tyler?”
“Yeah?”
“Oh, thank God. You're alright. I was worried sick about you.” Josh said, entering the room. I didn't know what to say. No one had ever worried about me before. Josh didn't even really know me, and he cared more than my parents or siblings ever did.
“I'm sorry. I didn't mean to-”
“Tyler, it's fine. I'm just glad you're okay.” He said, smiling. His eyes kind of crinkled when he smiled, it was cute. Wait. Cute? What?

***

     “Tyler!” Josh screamed. It was too late. I jumped. No, I didn't want to. Not yet.
“Josh! Save me!” It was too late for that, too. I jumped and there was no going back. I looked down at the rocks being swallowed by the blue-gray water below. I looked back up at Josh, but he was gone. When I looked back down, there was Josh. He was on the rocks, also being swallowed by the blue-gray waves.
“Josh! No, Josh!”

     “Tyler. Tyler.” I woke up with Josh shaking me. It was still dark.
“What?”
“Dude, what was happening? You were screaming my name and… Did you have a nightmare?”
“I guess. I don't know.” Actually, I did know. I'd had nightmares as long as I could remember. Was I going to tell Josh about them? No. Well, not yet.
“Tyler, please. You can talk to me. I'll listen. I can't help you if you don't open up to me.”
“Fine. Yes. I had a nightmare. They happen sometimes. Can I go back to sleep now?” Josh looked at me with worry in his eyes.
“I guess.” He laid back down and turned away from me. We were still sharing his bed. I turned away from him and closed my eyes.

     I didn't sleep after the nightmare. I couldn't. Josh didn't snore at all after it, so I didn't think he slept at all either. Josh didn't deserve this. I'm making him even more miserable. He did nothing to deserve this. He should have let me jump. I should have ignored him and jumped. If only I did… Josh is too nice for me. He was trying to help me, but I pushed him away. Yet, here I still am. In his house. Eating his food. Wearing his hoodie. I should be the one helping him. I'm not the only one with problems. Josh did nothing to deserve all of these problems. I should be the one having to carry all of this weight around, not him.

     “Josh. I'm sorry. You've done so much for me and I keep pushing you away when you offer your help. You don't deserve this. I'm sorry.” Josh looked up from his phone and into my eyes instead. There were a few moments of complete silence.
“And if you want me to leave, I-”
“Stop.” Josh cut me off. “Tyler, stop. You aren't pushing me away. You'll open up when you're ready. I don't want you to leave. If you do, I'll be miserable again. Stop putting yourself down so much. You are so amazing and I could never ask for a better friend than you.” I was speechless. Josh cared about me. He really did. He wanted me to stay with him, alive. I searched for the right words to say, but after a while, Josh looked back down at his phone. He cared.

     About 8 hours later, Josh and I laid down to go to sleep.
“Goodnight Tyler.”
“Goodnight Josh.”
I closed my eyes, but sleep didn't come. I was awake for hours, trying to turn my thoughts off. I was unsuccessful. The thoughts I was having on the bridge were back. Everything hit me at once. Josh doesn't care. No one cares. You deserve to die. You're worthless. Everyone wants you to die. Go back to the bridge. I sat up and looked at Josh, checking to make sure he was really sleeping. He was snoring lightly, so if I was quiet enough, I would be able to leave without him knowing.

     I slipped out of bed and tiptoed to the door. When I pulled it open slightly, it squeaked. Josh woke up, and I froze.
“Tyler?”
“Uh, yeah?”
“What are you doing?” Josh asked me, blinking and rubbing his eyes.
“Getting a drink.” He mumbled something inaudible and I made my way downstairs. I heard Josh walking into the bathroom. Once I heard the bathroom door close, I opened the front door and stepped out into the cold.