Drown Me (Joshler)

Nine

     Josh's eyes sparkled like stars in a clear, cloudless night sky. His pink hair was messy, but he didn't care. He didn't know how beautiful he was, and it didn't matter to him. We sat together, talking, laughing. It was a good day.
“I love you Tyler.” Josh said, grinning at me.
“I love you too.” He was the one to trace circles on my hand this time.

     I woke up, the room was still dark. I checked my phone. It was about 4 am. Despite my good dream, I was having dark thoughts that I hadn't had in awhile. My insecurities were back, the voices were back… I was being told to go to the bridge, but I ignored the voices. I battled them for hours until Josh woke up. When he woke up, he didn't notice anything was wrong and I was fine with that. He didn't need to know I wasn't entirely getting better either.

     After breakfast, we played Mario Kart together. We didn't really pay attention to the game, though.
“Josh, I'm sorry about the fight.”
“No, it was my fault. If you want to get a job, I won't stop you. You should be able to live your life without me watching your every move.” Josh said, pausing the game and putting his controller down on the table. I put my controller down as well.
“If you don't want me to, I won't. I love you, and I don't want you to worry so much. If I have to stay with you all day, I will. I want what's best for you, and if having me around is what's best for you, I won't leave your side.” Josh gave me a weak smile.
“Thank you. Love you too.” Josh said, resting his head on my chest.

***

     The next day, Josh and I went on a cliché walk in the park. The sun was just starting to set. His brown eyes seemed to sparkle because of the lighting, but I knew better than to believe that they were actually sparkling. Josh was so good at hiding the fact that he was unhappy. I knew that he would take hour long showers and come out with red, puffy eyes. I knew that he would think about self-harming and suicide. I knew all of this, yet I still allowed myself be fooled by his mask. I didn't let myself be fooled by the sun.

     Josh and I held hands as we walked through the local park.
“Josh, what's been going on lately? You've been so… Sad. Unhappy.”
“Uh, what do you mean?” Josh asked. I had a feeling he knew exactly what I meant.
“Your eyes used to sparkle. They used to be so bright. Now, they're dark. They don't look like a starry night sky like they used to.” Josh looked down, probably trying to subtly hide his eyes from me.
“Oh.” That's all Josh managed to say.

     When we got back after the walk, Josh was on his phone and I was on my own. We hadn't talked since I mentioned his eyes. It was starting to get late. Josh turned his phone off and looked over at me.
“Tyler, you're right. I'm still sad, and I'm not getting better, but there's nothing we can do about it.”
“That's just it. You aren't getting better, Josh, you're getting worse. I'm making you worse.” Josh reached for my hand and held it, shaking his head.
“No. It isn't your fault.”
“Then why has the sparkle in your eyes disappeared since I got here?” Josh opened his mouth to object, but shut it, probably realizing I was right. Josh was getting worse because of me, and he couldn't deny it.