Drown Me (Joshler)

Fifteen

A/N
I feel like spoiling this... But, I won't. This fanfiction is turning out WAY different than what I originally planned, but it would be so bad if I wrote it how I was going to write it. Stay alive frens |-/

     I ran to the bridge and ran faster when I saw Josh sitting on the railing.
“Josh!” I yelled, almost screamed. Josh turned towards me, and I reached him. “Josh, stop. Please.” Josh shook his head. I grabbed his arm and tried to pull him down. Josh struggled, but he gave up after a while.
“Tyler… Please don't do this.”
“I'm not letting you jump.” Josh was crying, and seeing him like that made my vision blurry. We sat down and leaned against the railing. He buried his head into my chest.
“I'm sorry.” Josh said.
“No. Don't be.” We sat there until the sun rose, and I fell asleep watching the pink in the sky fade into blue.

     I woke up and had to blink several times to adjust my eyes to the bright sunlight. Josh wasn't there. I panicked. Where could he have gone? He must have gone home. Unless… No. He didn't. Did he? I had to look, just to be sure. I looked over the railing… There was Josh's body. I screamed and cried, unable to move. My legs wobbled, and I fell onto the ground. Josh… It was my fault he jumped. If only I had taken him back home, we could have made it through this. He wouldn't have jumped. I blamed myself for it. I should have been more careful with Josh. It was my fault. It should have been me, not Josh.

     Suddenly, everything hit me. Everything that happened before I met Josh came back, the reasons why I was at the bridge when Josh saved me hit me again. I should have died, not Josh. Josh deserved a better life than what he had. He was the closest someone could get to perfect, and he should have had someone better than me in his life. I wished I could have given him more. I wished I could have told him I loved him one more time, but I wasn't sure he would believe me. Josh didn't know how much he meant to me.

     The voices in my head tried to control me. They told me to sit on the rail. So, I did. I watched the waves crash into the rocks and Josh. Everything was so blurry. The water wasn't black anymore. It wasn't blue-gray, either. It wasn't even dark red. No, the water was just a dull gray. I liked it. It fit my mood, my thoughts. It fit my song.

“Here I come
Come to you
In the very clothes
That I killed
Killed you in
And now I know
I'm alone
I walk to you
Rain falls from you
Can you wash me
Can you drown me.”

     I found myself singing. Josh loved that song. I wanted to sing it to him one more time. I wanted him to bury his head in my chest again. I wanted to tell him it would be alright, to just stay strong. I wanted to tell him to stay alive. If only I could tell him those things… Maybe he'd listen to me. Maybe Josh would try to stay strong, stay alive, for just a little bit longer. But, I couldn't. It was too late. All I could do was sing the rest of the song. I skipped the rap, just like I did when I sang to Josh.

“Here I come
Again to you
Just to show that blood soaked through
Through my bones
And all I own
Is there a way for me to grow
I walk to you
Rain falls from you.”

     I paused because I started to cry harder, and I struggled to get the words out. I loved Josh so much. He didn't deserve everything he had to go through. I should have tried to help him more. I should have been stronger and maybe he would have been stronger, too. I took a deep breath and finished the song.

“Can you wash me
Can you drown me.”

     I took a few more deep breaths, trying to calm myself down. It didn't really work. For a few more minutes, I sat on the railing, watching the waves crash into the rocks. It helped me relax. I had to do it. I stood up on the railing, balancing on top. Facing the water, I prepared myself to jump. I had to. There wasn't another option. I inhaled one more time, held my breath, and jumped. I was gone.