Drown Me (Joshler)

Three

     The air stung my face and hands, and I shoved my hands deeper into my hoodie’s pocket. I took my time walking to the bridge and arrived in about 10 minutes. Did I really want to do this? Yes. Josh didn't want me there. No one wanted me in their lives. I made my way to the railing and climbed up on top of it. Once I was sitting, I let my thoughts drown me. Looking down, I let the tears that had been building up fall. The tears were already freezing, but I didn't care. It would all be over soon. I looked down again and started to stand up on the rail. Preparing myself to jump, I watched the blue-gray waves crash into the jagged rocks below.

     Wait. No, I didn't want to do this. Josh needed help. He was in pain, too. I couldn't do this. I carefully climbed back down onto the bridge. I had to be strong. For Josh. I took one more look at the dark water below and made my way back to Josh's house.

     “Tyler, where were you? You told me you were getting a drink!” Josh started the moment I walked in the door. “I tried calling you, but you left your phone here.”
“I know, sorry. I just needed some fresh air.” Josh glared at me like he knew what I was really doing.
“Tyler.”
“Fine. I was at the bridge.” I admitted. Lying was really hard to do to Josh.
“The bridge? Why?” He knew why. I just shook my head, hoping he would understand. I didn't want to talk about it, not yet. Talking really wasn't my thing. Josh’s eyes softened, and I couldn't help staring at them. You could just get lost in them. The dark brown color was like melted chocolate. They were beautiful. He moved, and I fell out of my trance-like state. Josh motioned for me to follow him into the kitchen.

     There were two mugs of hot chocolate placed on the kitchen table.
“Sit down.” Josh said. I sat down. “Talk to me.”
I took a sip of the hot chocolate. It was amazing, and the heat filled my cold body.
“Josh…”
“Tyler.” Josh glared at me again. It wasn't in a mean way, but it was in a protective way. Like he cared and was trying to get me to open up  to him. I sighed.
“Fine. I was at the bridge again and I was going to jump.”
“Oh.” He got up and kneeled next to my chair.
“I'm sorry, it won't happen again. I…” I said and looked down, avoiding his eyes.
“Look at me.” I shook my head. “Tyler.” I looked at Josh, still avoiding making eye contact. He stared into my eyes for a few seconds before pulling me into a hug. We stayed like that for a long time, and I cried into his shoulder with him telling me it's okay, I'll be okay. I was so lucky to have Josh.

***

     We ended up falling asleep on the couch watching movies. We didn't really pay attention to the movies, though. Josh was deep in his thoughts, and I couldn't keep my eyes off of him. The more I spent time with him, the more I realized how attractive he was. I didn't think that I was gay, but I couldn't be sure. Dating was never a thing for me. No one ever really talked to me unless they absolutely had to or they were yelling at me. Oh, I was a big target for the tough kids at school. They called me a lot of homophobic slurs, but they also didn't have any idea if I was gay or not. Maybe I was. Even if I was, Josh probably wasn't. He wouldn't want me, anyway. I wouldn't ever have him. I just had to accept that.

     I woke up to Josh talking on the phone.
“What? What are you talking about?” Josh looked upset. “What do you mean I'm out of the band?! You can't kick me out! You don't have another drummer!” I sat up and yawned. Josh looked over at me as he listened to the person on the phone with him. He was in a band?
“Fine. Whatever. Bye.” He said bitterly. He turned his phone off, sighing. “Good morning.”
“Morning. You okay?”
“Yeah. Tim just kicked me out of my band, but whatever. He isn't even that good of a singer, so I don't care.” Josh was clearly upset.
“Josh?”
“What?”
“Maybe we should start a band.” I suggested. Josh looked kind of surprised.
“What? Just us? What about a singer?”
“I can sing.” I told him, and Josh smiled.
“Let's start a band.” Josh said.

     Josh and I went down to his basement where there were his drums, a piano, a guitar, and a microphone that his old band used. I, of course, had my ukulele with me. I sat down at the piano, feeling the keys without playing.
“Can you play a song for me?” Josh asked. I was nervous because I had never played in front of anyone before. Josh was different than everyone else, though. I nodded and thought of what song to play for him. I decided on a song I wrote:

“Here I come
Come to you
In the very clothes
That I killed
Killed you in
And now I know
I'm alone
I walk to you
Rain falls from you
Can you wash me
Can you drown me.”

     Josh was silent until I finished my song. When I was done, I looked up at him. He had tears in his eyes.
“Tyler… You wrote that?” I nodded. “It was beautiful.” He smiled, and once again, I noticed his eyes crinkle.
“Thanks. Will you play the drums for me now?” Josh nodded. He walked over to his drums. He played for a minute or two, and I loved it. Josh played incredibly. When he stopped, I couldn't even say anything. Josh was that good.
“I think we'll make a great band, right?”
“Definitely.” I agreed.