Drown Me (Joshler)

Ten

A/N
Um ok so there's like over 100 reads on this?? But yeah thanks again. I'm double-updating tonight. Stay alive frens |-/

***One Month Later***

     It had been one month after I talked to Josh about his eyes. We hadn't been as close after that. We had some good days and cuddled and talked. Most of the time, though, we weren't very intimate. I was pretty sure Josh hated me, and I didn't blame him. I hated myself, too. I couldn't look at myself anymore. Josh was breaking because of me. The guilt for breaking Josh had started to kick in. Josh was hurting because of me.

     It had been a long time since Josh and I played music together. I thought about the first day when we played, how beautiful Josh was and how beautifully he played his drums. I had everything I could ever ask for. Now, I lost everything. I lost the band, the excitement of a new relationship… I lost Josh. He was still with me, but it felt like he wasn't completely there. I worried I was going to lose him for good.

     Josh and I were in bed. He was sleeping, but I couldn't. The guilt was too much. I couldn't live with myself, knowing how much pain Josh was in because of me. For probably the fiftieth time since I met Josh, I slipped out of bed and snuck down the stairs. I opened the front door and took a breath of the freezing cold night air, convincing myself that it was for the best. It had to end like this.

     Less than ten minutes later, the bridge was directly in front of me. Don't think, just jump, I told myself. I walked over to the railing and leaned against it, looking out at the dark water. It didn't look blue-gray anymore. Instead, it was just black. The water called for me, inviting me to jump in. As I started to climb up the railing, I heard footsteps and someone yelling.

     “Tyler! Tyler, stop!” It was Josh. I froze, and then he was there, standing next to me. He tried pulling me down despite my protests, and eventually, I gave up and let him.
“How did you know I was here?” I whispered, and I wasn't sure if he heard me or not.
“I woke up and you were gone. This is only place I could think to check…” We both sat down against the railing. He held me, tracing circles on my hand. I tried to hold back the tears but couldn't. They ran down my face and made my vision blurry. I tilted my head up so I could see Josh’s face, and I saw tears running down his face, too.
“I'm sorry. I just didn't want to hurt you anymore. I'm-”
“Shhh… Tyler, stop. Shhh.” Josh cut me off. I stopped talking and took a few deep, shaky breaths. I leaned against his chest. Josh saved me again. I would never be able to repay him for everything he had done for me.

***

     We fell asleep on the bridge. When Josh woke up, he woke me up and forced me to walk home with him. I was exhausted by the time we arrived, and Josh carried me up the stairs. I was so lucky to have him in my life. After he stopped me from jumping the night before, I realized that Josh didn't care if he was in pain. He loved me and cared about me so much that he was putting my happiness before his. I realized that he wouldn't get better without me, he would get worse. Josh needed me, even if it was hard to believe. I was the only reason Josh was staying strong, staying alive. I had to do the same.

     Sunlight poured through the windows when I woke up. Josh wasn't sleeping next to me, and I got worried until I remembered the night before. I went downstairs and found Josh asleep on the couch, TV still on. I sat down on the couch, planting a kiss on his forehead. Josh stirred but didn't wake up. I watched whatever show that was on until Josh woke up.

     “Tyler, can we talk?” Josh asked me after he woke up and ate.
“Sure.” I said, patting the empty spot on the couch in attempt to tell Josh to sit down next to me. He caught on and sat down, careful not to get too close. Josh took a deep breath before speaking.
“Tyler, I'm sorry. This past month wasn't good, and I'm sorry. You're not making me worse, I promise. I'm just worried about you. I care about you so much, and if anything happened to you… I don't know. I wouldn't be able to live with myself knowing I couldn't help you. You mean so much to me, Tyler. Please, don't blame yourself for everything. You make me so happy. If you left, I wouldn't be able to go on.” Josh smiled, tears in his eyes. It was so cheesy, but that was fine. He meant what he said, and that was all that mattered. I moved closer so I could hug him. We were both quiet as we hugged. I didn't know what to say.
“I love you.” I managed to say.
“I love you, too.” Josh grabbed my hand and held it. I kissed his cheek. For the first time, Josh kissed my lips, and I kissed back. I loved him so, so much.