Drown Me (Joshler)

Seven

     Under me were blue-gray waves crashing against the large rocks. I wanted to be there, with the rocks. I stood on the railing, felt a hand grab my wrist. There was Josh. He pulled himself up onto the railing and stood by my side, still holding my wrist.
“Ready?” Josh asked. I nodded. We jumped. Josh never let go of my wrist.

     It was still dark when I woke up. Josh was snoring. My suicidal thoughts were back. I hadn't had the dreams in a couple of weeks, but they were back. Everything was hitting me, hard. I felt like I was still dreaming. Voices in my head told me to do things I didn't really want to do. They told me to go to the bridge. I obliged. I got out of bed, crept downstairs, and walked out into the dark night. I was going to the bridge.

     No. Go back. I couldn't do it. I sat on the railing, but I couldn't do it, couldn't get myself to stand and jump. Josh was staying strong for me. I had to stay strong for him. I climbed down onto the bridge, took another long look at the water. The water was calling my name, inviting me to jump. The dark waves smashed against the rocks, just like they did in my dream. They were so inviting… No. Go back to Josh. I forced myself to go back to Josh.

     I arrived without Josh waking up, thankfully. He didn't need to find out about this. I slipped into bed but couldn't sleep. After hours of thinking about everything, Josh finally woke up. It was just like the last time I couldn't sleep. It was eerily similar.
“Tyler? What's wrong?”
“Nothing.”
“Tyler.” Josh glared at me like he always did when he knew I was hiding my feelings from him. He was so beautiful.
“You're beautiful. You know that, right?”
“What? Stop changing the subject. I'll ask you again. What's. Wrong.”
“Just… Nothing.” I sighed. “I don't want to talk.” Josh almost looked hurt. Betrayed. He glared at me for a few minutes, then got up and left the room.

     “Josh… Fine, I'll tell you.” Josh was almost instantly in the room, sitting on the bed. I drew my legs up close to my chest and rested my chin on my knees. I didn't say anything for a while.
“Tyler?”
“Oh, sorry. I snuck out last night and went to the bridge. I just… Don't know. I thought I was getting better and then I had a nightmare about you and I jumping off of the bridge together. The thoughts, the voices, were back. So, I just went back to the bridge. Then I realized I was being stupid and came back.” Josh was silent. We just sat there, looking away from each other.
“Tyler… I'm so sorry you're still thinking like that. It's not your fault. I care about you and I don't know how I could go on without you. You're the only one I have left, and without you, there's no reason for me to stay alive. Please don't think that this was your fault. It isn't your fault. You didn't choose this. Just talk to me if you're hurting, okay? Tyler, I love you.”

     Josh loved me? It didn't seem real. He couldn't. No one could ever love me. Why would they? They wouldn't. I loved Josh back. Even though we hadn't known each other for very long, we loved each other. He was all I had, I was all he had. We were there for each other. We cared about each other. We were in love.
“I love you, too. I'm sorry. It won't happen again. I love you.” I said softly, tearing up. Josh looked at me with tears in his eyes. He pulled me into a hug, and we stayed like that for what felt an eternity. I loved this man. If only I could believe he loved me back.

***

     The next morning, I woke up and Josh wasn't there. I went downstairs to see if he was there, I checked to see if he was in the basement, I went back upstairs and checked to see if he was there… Then I saw him. In the bathroom. Bleeding.
“Josh?” He didn't answer. “Josh?!” Josh moved slightly, then opened his eyes. He must have just fallen asleep. I went into the bathroom and tended to his injuries.
“I'm sorry, Tyler.” Josh whispered. I just shook my head. “Thank you.”
“Yeah. This needs to stop Josh.”
“I know.”
“Please. I'll be open with you if you're open with me. Just… Where did you even get blades? I threw them all away.” Josh didn't say anything. He wouldn't look at me. I reached out and held his hand. We sat there, him looking at the floor with tears in his eyes, me holding his hand.

     After a while, Josh leaned into my chest and closed his eyes. I loved him. I cared about him, just like he cared about me. I knew he loved me, it was just something I had never experienced. It was so great to feel loved by someone, and I wanted Josh to feel the same. I hated that Josh wasn't doing as good as I thought he was, but then again, I still wasn't doing that great either. It just hurt to know that someone you loved was breaking and you couldn't help them anymore than you already had been. I loved Josh so much.