Drown Me (Joshler)

Fourteen

A/N
FISHJISH is seriously the nicest person I've ever talked to, so thanks for that. Thanks to everyone who stuck around this long. I update like so much, it's annoying. But here's another chapter. Stay alive frens |-/

     Josh smiled at me, but I saw through his mask. I saw the pain in his eyes.
“Josh, I know you're still hurting. Please, just talk to me.”
“You know I can't do that.” He frowned, shaking his head.
“Why not?”
“Because you're going to leave me, and if I don't let myself open up to you, it won't hurt as much when I wake up and you're gone.”
“I told you I'm not going to leave you! Please, Josh, talk to me. I love you.” I reached for Josh's hand, but he pulled away. He shook his head again.
“No. No you don't.”
“Josh-”
“Tyler, stop lying. I know you don't really love me.” I couldn't speak. Josh was wrong, but I didn't know how to prove it. He turned away from me and walked to the front door.
“Sorry, Tyler. I'm leaving.”
“Where are you going?!”
“I dunno.” Josh shrugged. “The bridge.” Then, he was gone.

     It had been months since my last dream like this, my last nightmare. It had been nearly two months since Josh and I started playing music together again. The first week or so, Josh was really happy and into it. After that, he started to go back to what became his normal self. Sad. Dull eyes. I tried convincing him to talk to me about it, but he just wasn't ready. So, I had to respect his privacy and let him be. Even though I stopped trying to get him to open up about his problems, I still worried about Josh. Josh was my everything, and nothing would ever make me stop worrying about him.

     I woke up with the sun shining through the windows. Josh wasn't in bed. I stretched and got up, and I went downstairs.
“Josh?” I saw him sitting on the couch, knees drawn to his chest and his head resting on his knees. He was shaking. Josh looked over at me with tears running down his face.
“Help.” Josh whispered almost inaudibly. He had been so quiet, I wasn't sure if I heard him right.
“What?”
“They want me to go to the bridge, to jump off.” I went to Josh and sat on the couch next to him. I pulled him into a hug, rubbing his back.
“Shhh… It's okay. Don't listen to them.”
“Tyler?”
“Yeah?”
“Don't let me be gone.” I pulled back from the hug and looked into his eyes.
“I won't, I promise.” I wiped the tears off of Josh's face.

***

     Josh and I cuddled for the rest of the day, reminding each other how much we loved them. Sometimes I felt like we were over-protective of each other, but I knew that we had a good reason to be.
“Josh, I'm sorry I can't help you.”
“It's not your fault.”
“I know. It's just… I want to help you.” Josh grabbed my hand and played with my fingers.
“You are.” He smiled. We fell asleep on the couch, Josh playing with my fingers.

     He had lied to me, though. The next day, Josh was back to his usual self. Sad. He was probably wanting to die but trying to stay strong, for me. I knew what that was like. Josh tried to tell me he was getting better. He tried telling me that he was happy. I knew better than that. I knew that Josh was lying.

     I didn't blame him. Josh was trying to make me happy, trying to protect me. I just wanted him to know that he could talk to me. I wanted him to know that his happiness mattered to me. Josh being happy would make me happy. I loved him so much, and it was killing me to know that Josh wasn't getting better.

     I woke up in bed. I didn't remember waking up during the night to go upstairs, so I was confused. When I got out of bed, I realized Josh wasn't there.
“Josh?” I called from the bedroom. No answer. I looked in the bathroom. I ran down the stairs and checked the kitchen, the living room, every room. I even checked the basement. Josh wasn't there. He would have woken me up if he was going out for anything, or he would have at least left a note. A note. I searched the entire house just to be sure he hadn't left something behind telling me where he went.

     After a while, I calmed myself down. I was over-reacting. Josh was a grown man, he could manage on his own for a few hours. Once it started to get dark, though… I started to get worried. I had tried calling his phone earlier, but Josh left it on the table in the living room. Josh never would have left his phone, especially if he was leaving without telling me. I thought about where he could have been. Then, it hit me. How could I not have thought of it sooner? I ran to the front door. Josh wouldn't have… Right? I had to make sure. I opened the door and stepped outside, into the darkness. I really hoped Josh didn't go where I suspected he did.