Drown Me (Joshler)

Four

“I'm trying
I'm trying to sleep
I'm trying
I'm trying to sleep
But I can't
But I can't
When you all have
Guns for hands.”

     Josh and I were working on our first song called Guns for Hands. We finished the song and knew that we were a band. We knew that we had something. I looked at Josh, with his pink hair and sparkling eyes. It was at that moment that I knew I had some feelings for him. Maybe it was just a crush, maybe it was more. It didn't matter though. Josh didn't have feelings for me. He never would. I just had to get used to it.

     We went upstairs to Josh's bedroom. It was getting late and we were tired enough to go to bed.
“Tyler?” I rolled over to face Josh. “Please don't leave me.” His eyes weren't sparkling like they had been before.
“I won't. I'm staying here.” I whispered, tears in my eyes. I meant it. If Josh needed me, I wasn't going anywhere. Josh closed his eyes but didn't turn away. Just as I was about to roll back over, he spoke.
“Can you sing me that song you sang earlier?” Josh asked me. I nodded, then realized he couldn't see it. So, I started singing.

“Here I come
Come to you
In the very clothes
That I killed you in
Now I know
I'm alone
I walk to you
Rain falls from you
Can you wash me
Can you drown me.”

     I skipped the rap and started singing in a softer voice when I noticed Josh was falling asleep.

“Here I come
Again to you
Just to show that blood soaked through
Through my bones
And all I own
Is there a way for me to grow.”

     Josh fell asleep. I stopped singing. He was beautiful. He was too good for me. I just watched him for a few minutes, watched his chest rise and fall. Josh was beautiful. I wished I could wake him up and tell him how much he meant to me. I wanted to tell him that he was beautiful. But, I couldn't. So, I finished the song.

“I walk to you
Rain falls from you
Can you wash me
Can you drown me.”

***

     I couldn't sleep that night. I couldn't stop thinking. There were suicidal thoughts, there were thoughts about Josh… They kept me up all night. Around 7 am, Josh woke up.
“You're up early.” I just nodded. He noticed something was wrong. “What's wrong?”
“I just… I don't know.” That was the truth. I thought I had everything I could ask for. I had someone who cared about me, I was safe, I escaped my family… What was I missing? Nothing. So why wasn't I getting better? Josh put an arm around me, and it was comforting. I put my head on his shoulder. My eyelids started to feel heavy. Yawning, I looked up to see Josh looking down at my face. We sat like that until I started to fall asleep. He made me lay down even though I didn't want to. Josh tucked me in and started to get up.
“Stay with me please?” He thought about it for a second and laid back down.

     I woke up and Josh was missing. Assuming he just went downstairs, I went to the bathroom and then got dressed. I was still tired. Making my way downstairs, I reminded myself to ask Josh to work on a song with me later. I saw Josh in the living room playing Mario Kart, so I went and joined him.
“You're finally awake.”
“How long was I asleep?” I asked.
“13 hours.” I couldn't remember the last time I slept that long. I sat next to him on the couch. “Wanna play?”
“Sure.” Josh handed me a Nintendo 64 controller and we played Mario Kart together until almost midnight.