Drown Me (Joshler)

Eleven

     He held both of my hands in his while he traced swirls on them with his thumbs. We laid in bed, smiling at each other and whispering “I love you”.
“Are you happy?” I asked Josh. He didn't hesitate at all when he answered.
“Yes.” He said it like he meant it, and I knew he did mean it. Josh was finally happy. We told each other we loved each other many more times, then fell asleep holding each other's hands.

     I woke up to Josh crying.
“Josh?”
“Tyler, I-I’m in the bathroom.” I heard Josh say, his voice shaky. I went into the bathroom and found him bleeding out. His arms were cut up, and he was holding a blade. He looked up at me with no-longer sparkly eyes. He wasn't going to live through this. I watched as the life left Josh's eyes, and he dropped the blade on the bathroom floor. I moved closer to him and picked up the blade. I closed my eyes, and when I opened them, I wasn't in the bathroom anymore. I was standing on the railing of the bridge, looking out at the black water.

     I couldn't save Josh. He died because of me, and I didn't deserve to live anymore. I should have paid closer attention to Josh. I should have been able to love him just a little bit more than I did. The blade was still in my hand. I dragged it across my arm multiple times. It was my fault Josh died. My arm started to bleed. Blood dripped off my arm into the water. The black water turned a deep shade of red as my blood continued to fall.

“Here I come
Come to you
In the very clothes
That I killed
Killed you in
And now I know
I'm alone
I walk to you
Rain falls from you
Can you wash me
Can you drown me.”

     I sang. The blood continued to fall, flowing in a steady stream. I deserved this. Josh shouldn't have died. It should have been me. Josh was beautiful. He was the only person I had ever loved. Josh saved me more than once, and I couldn't even keep him alive one time. Josh didn't deserve to struggle so much. He didn't deserve to have been in so much pain. I loved him. I skipped the fast part of my song, just like I did the one night when I sang him to sleep with this song.

“Here I come
Again to you
Just to show that blood soaked through
Through my bones
And all I own
Is there a way for me to grow
I walk to you
Rain falls from you
Can you wash me
Can you drown me.”

     I watched the dark red waves crash into the jagged rocks below. I wanted to be with the rocks. The water was inviting me to jump in, and I was ready to accept the invitation.
“I love you Josh.” I whispered. Then, I was gone.

     “Tyler? Tyler! Wake up!” Josh shook me awake. It was still dark.
“What?”
“Are you okay? You were singing and saying my name a lot…” Josh's eyes were filled with concern.
“Yeah, it was just a dream. I'm fine.” I told him, not sure if he believed me or not. It wasn't the first time I'd had a dream like this, but it had been the first time I had a dream that vivid.
“Okay. Just tell me if you want to talk, okay Tyler?” Josh laid back down and wrapped an arm around me.
“I will. I promise.”