Rants; A Tale Of Epic Annoyance

Anxiety (A literal mess)

For a lot of you that have been reading the things I write and see my updates (or the singular one of you that always comments and pays attention to my updates)(Lady-Jeffery) know that I struggle quite a bit with anxiety. 

It's one of the only personal facts about myself that I will legitimately admit. It's something I've been working on for a long time, but it's also something that I have a small amount of pride in. I've gotten a lot better in handling my panic and my irrational fears. I hate that it's still an issue, but nonetheless, progress is still progress.

However, that isn't to say that I don't still struggle with it. I do quite a lot, and it's moments like this that I get annoyed with myself.

A situation occurred with myself and my boyfriend, and it really isn't anything major. For the sake of he might read this, I won't detail it much. But it, in all honesty, is nothing. I would be amazed if he thought about it twice.

I'm normally pretty open in my writings, just because I don't see a reason to hide. But for the sake of not starting a fight, I will leave it unclear. 

Anyways, a small thing happened today. He did nothing wrong, and was just talking with someone. 

(Vague, I know. Message me if you're confused and I'll try to explain without revealing too much.)

Nothing was happening, and there really was NO CLEAR REASON for me to feel wary. 

Nonetheless, I instantly felt worried. 

I have this intense problem, where I tell myself all the time without meaning to that I'm really nothing special. I'm trying to train myself out of this, but it tends to happen without me wanting it to. 

I immediately, without meaning to, had the thought of "he will end up liking her more than me". I've had this happen before, and I honestly don't understand why it is that it WOULDN'T happen. 

I know that's terrible, but that's just how I think. 

Truth be told, we haven't been dating very long. We're at almost a month, so I really shouldn't be worried, right? Right.

But I am. And I haven't been able to tell if that's normal. 

It's not a jealousy. Jealousy is something a person experiences when they want something someone else has and can't have it. What I feel is more like a possessiveness, but not in a super controlling way. 

In a "I just really hope he still likes me more, but I don't see why he would".

Almost just an internal worry that has no reason to exist outside of my lack of self esteem. 

I just cannot tell for the life of me if this is a normal feeling, or just me being anxious. 

This entire chapter, like some I've had in the past, is more of just a jumbled mess of things that I'm feeling at the moment. I'll try to make a more light hearted update soon. 

Thanks, humans!

~Grey