Rants; A Tale Of Epic Annoyance

Emotions

Woooo, I'm back, and I'm a mess.
I cannot understand how it is that I always come back to this book a massive wreck, but hey, it's my book, right?

:)

So, I have a tendency to get into my own head too much.
Being that, I get anxious, and then I overanalyze everything. I run wild with a singular thought, usually on accident, and end up a mess.

Let me explain.

I had sectionals for choir after school today. I was there to rehearse, just get it over with, and go home.
Today, we were rehearsing with our second choir, since my school has two, which is a larger class. I usually rarely see most of the people in it.
In that choir was a girl who I thought was very pretty.
I complimented her glasses, she thanked me, and all was well.

Until my brain kicked in.

This girl was, in all honesty, the spitting image of what my boyfriend had described as his dream girl when we first met.
Now, since then, he has said that his idealistic dream girl image is me. (aw how sweet)
However, I am intensely anxious, and incredibly insecure. So, even after eight months of being together, I still hold an intense feeling that I am not what he would want.
It's absolutely absurd. I'm aware. But it stays with me.

The thought that she has the hair colour he loves crossed my mind. And then I noticed how thin she was. How pretty her eyes were.
And immediately started comparing myself.

I never usually mean to do this. As I said, it all starts with a singular thought, and then spirals into a shitfest of epic proportions.

By the time I had left choir, I was immensely upset.
I don't fully know what I was more upset about: feeling inadequate and horrifically ugly in comparison, or the fact that I was upset to begin with.

I told him about this. I usually try to be open about these things with him.
He told me that it was silly, and quickly reassured me.
However, no matter what is said, and no matter how many times this type of situation, I have this constant feeling that I am not what he wants.
And that he would be happier with someone who looks more like his original image of perfect than..well, me.

It's rather depressing. I hate feeling like this. But it's almost like an itch you can't scratch. No matter how intensely you scratch and move around, it refuses to go away.

And I sincerely wish that this feeling would go the fuck away.