Immaculate Misconception

What if? (Another trigger warning)

I sat in my room looking around at all my posters. Tomorrow is the day. I will finally see Ricky in person again.

I had a tank top on and I was looking at every single scar I ever made that was still visible.

I sighed and ran my fingers softly along my left arm and felt the risen bumps on my skin. I had given myself goosebumps from the touch of my cold fingers. I do have an unnaturally cold body temperature. I never knew why but my body was always cold.

I sighed and laid back in my bed and I had held my arms up for better look at everything. There were red scars everywhere going in almost every direction. I had one huge long one from when I had actually attempted suicide but my body fought back for me and I didn't even pass out fully. My dad had found out and promised to never tell my mom. I knew he could keep the secret because he never talks to her.

I ended up sitting against the wall just waiting. I now had a flannel on. I had my hair in a ponytail, my fringe left out and I had on my dark eyeliner and mascara that contrasted my pale skin. I also had on my torn up denim jeans. I just put on Jack Skellington socks. I didn't want to make too much of an effort today. I wasn't going anywhere.

I ended up texting Ricky and he was actually about done packing and just had to put his suitcase in his car and head out. We texted for awhile before he left and then I sat in the silence of my room. My blinds were closed and the lights were off. My room was dimly lit by the small peeks of lights coming through from behind the curtains.

I sighed and then took off my hoodie, once more, letting all the scars breath. I never like short sleeve shirts. And I doubt I ever will.

I sat in the silence of my room and felt the scars on my skin. Then I jumped at the sound of my phone ringing. 'My heart is a time bomb! Only seconds to go! Self Destructing as my chest explodes!' It was Ricky. He had requested the ringtone and I had no problem with it. It was one of my favorite songs.

I answered it quickly "hey, Ricky-boy." I giggled and I heard him laugh "hey, I'm at a McDonalds! I'm not even halfway there yet. But I'll get there." He said and I smiled "I am so inpatient you have no idea." I laughed and he did too. "I'm more excited." He proclaimed and I giggled and looked at my phone. 1:00.

"So what have you been doing all day?" He asked and I sighed "staring at the wall in my room." I said "I don't have much exciting things to do." I said and he chuckled "well don't worry because when I'm there we will have the most fun ever!" He exclaimed and I laughed "Yay!" I exclaimed happily and we both laughed "how much longer do I have to wait?" I complained and he chuckled "not too much longer." He said and I sighed. "It feels like forever." I stated and he sighed "very true, little sister, very true." He agreed "well, I'm heading back on the road so I'll talk to you soon." He said and I sighed "you better be here soon." I said and we both laughed and then said our goodbyes before we both hung up.

I sighed and turned on a lamp in my room and looked at all of my scars. None of them have been infected. Ever. I don't even want to think of that. I don't want to die, but yet I enjoy high levels of pain.

I then heard the door open and a gasp. I looked up and saw my mom in shock "Why the fuck would you do this?!" She exclaimed and grabbed my arm, squeezing it and hurting my scars. "Ow mom, you're hurting me." I said "wouldn't you be used to that?" She asked and threw me down "Emo cutting scum." She kicked me "I'll be back." She hissed and I sighed and suddenly fear filled my body. What if she has me taken away? What if she kills me herself? What if she tells Ricky? That was the scariest out of everything.

I sat there and put my hoodie back on and sighed as she eventually returned. "I just talked to Ricky." I hate this already. "I told him what happened and he agreed to take care of you for awhile. He's gonna let you live with him. And thank god too. Because after HighSchool is over I don't wanna see you here anymore. You're too much." She said and walked out but came back in for a second "start packing." Then she really left.

I sighed. Well there is one good thing. I can be with Ricky. I wonder how he'll take the whole self-harm thing.

I felt sadness build up inside me, along with anxiety. What if he hates me? What if he never talks to me? What if he thinks Im a freak?! What if he just rejects me and never wants to see me?

I lost control of my thoughts after that. What if? What if? What if?

What if I just gave up?
What if I just quit and left?
Nobody would care.
Nobody was ever there.

I ran into the bathroom and took out my box of blades and took off my pants and hoodie and got to work.

After I was done, I had words carved in my arms. Freak, Emo, Worthless. And on my arm, I had Perfect. It's all I wanted to be. And all I failed to be.

"I'm sorry Ricky. I can't keep doing this. I just want it to end." I said quietly to myself.