I Am Your Wrath I Am Your Guilt I am Your Lust

Chapter 34

Samantha's POV

I laid there staring at the ceiling.

Listening to Zack breath watching the sun creep through the curtains.

I just can not sleep.

The baby made so much noise. Awake and asleep.

He woke us up crying twice. Zack woke up when he began to whimper. Easily getting him settled back down returning back to bed snuggling up to me, and instantly falling back to sleep soundly.

Me on the other hand, I tossed and turned. The baby made the most strange and frightening sounds. When I did sleep I had nightmares that the baby was choking in his sleep. It would scare me awake.

As I continued to watch the sun make its daily debut I gave up on getting sleep. It just wasn't happening. I had too much on my mind unfortunately.

I got up walking into the kitchen. I need coffee and badly.

As I poured myself I cup and sat down in the dark I wondered could I do this? I wanted Zack. I really liked him. I could feel myself falling in love with him but, to have the guy, I would be becoming part of a family.

Could I handle that? I suck with babies. I love children, babies included, but I knew less than nothing about them.

Zack's poor little baby probably would have wailed his tiny little head off all night last night when Zack left to get Matt had Aubrey not been here with me.

I was clueless. I had no idea what to do when he woke up from his nap. I would not have ever thought or guessed a wet diaper cause him to cry as he did. I would not have imagined that he was hungry at all.

As I took a gulp as the horrible feeling of not being good enough crept into my system. I really don't know if I am cut out for this. Zack and his son, especially his precious little baby boy, deserved someone who knew what they were doing. I did not know anything on how to be a mom. The last thing I want is to make Zack or his child unhappy. I didn't want Zack to be let down by me. Being a mother isn't something you can learn from a book.

Aubrey came creeping into the kitchen interrupting my thoughts of being an inadequate step mother and girlfriend.

"Morning" I mumbled gloomily, alerting her to my presence.

"Fuck" Aubrey hissed jumping a little. I had obviously startled her. "What are you doing here in the fucking dark?" She asked me opening the blinds.

I just shrugged taking a gulp of my coffee. How could I possibly explain I felt like I was terrified of the baby and mostly my inability to properly take care of him.

Aubrey stared at my face as she made herself a cup of coffee. I knew I had to look like pure undiluted hell. I slept like shit and was scared of a helpless tiny human.

"Are you okay?" Aubrey softly inquired of me as she seated herself next to me.

"God the baby" I muttered embarrassed. "He woke up twice and even when he was asleep he made noises, so many noises. I just could not sleep." I left out that the noises didn't so much bother me just honestly scared me that something was wrong with him and I had no idea what or how to fix it.

"Oh yeah" Aubrey mumbled "babies do that. Wake up and stuff."

"Aubrey," I cried unable to reign in my terror and feelings of stupidity any longer "I don't know if I am ready for a baby. It's such a big step."

"I can understand that" Aubrey agreed.

"I mean don't get me wrong," I began explains quickly "I like Zack a lot, but a baby" I stated sounding beyond scared shitless.