Make you believe again

Chapter 27

"I am so sorry. You shouldn't see me when I'm like this.. And I guess I need to explain myself, right?", she goes on.
"Yeah I think so, Julie.", I say and she takes a deep breath.
"Okay. So. Sometimes, I have my struggels and problems and- and I just needet a way to escape them. It's not easy for me right now. And I'm sorry.", she sais.
"It's okay, Julie but I don't understand. How do you escape your problems? And what for problems?", I ask wondering and grab her hand.
"I can't tell you..", she mumbles and starts crying again.
"No no noo don't cry. It's okay. Just tell me and I'll help you. We will get through this. Together.", I say and she calms down again.
"It's just- you know, when I'm doing it, I think that its right, but as soon as I'm done doing it, I realise that it's total nonesense.. It's like this every single time!", she sais.

I'm confused. What is she talking about?

"What are you talking about? I don't understand what you mean.", I go on asking and being afraid of her answer.
"I can't tell you.. I can't say the word. It would kill me.", she whispers through tears and holds my hands even tighter.

Of course, her hands! I am so dumb! But she would never do that, wouldn't she? She would never harm herself, right? She would never- I need to check.
I let my fingers slowly slip below her sleeves and feel a warm liquid underneath my fingers. I go a little further and feel the sharp parts of dry blood.. I suddently feel incredibly cold. Why? That's the only question on my mind right now.
Tears start streaming down my face when I finally look up to her again.

"I am so sorry..", I mumble. She shakes her head.
"I'm the one who should be sorry. You shoudn't see that.", she whispers.
"It's okay, Julie.", I wipe my tears away.
"We can get through this together."
She nods.
"Would you like to tell my why you do that? And would you let me clean your cuts?", I go on asking.
She nods again.

I lead her into the bathroom and grab some medical stuff to clean her cuts. While I'm doing it, she doesn't shed a single tear. She looks so strong from the outside..
I look into her eyes. I see something that I've never realised before, and trust me, I look into her eyes almost every single day.
I see pain.
I see hurt.
I see a broken heart.
And I see a lost soul.
I hate myslef for never realising that.
I wonder if she has the same feelings for me that I have for her.. She is my world. My one and only. My everything. I just want her to be happy..
She will never feel about me like this but I think that she deserves a chance to know it. I take a deep breath.

"Julie. I can't go on like this. I need to tell you something.", I say and put the medical stuff away. She gives me a weird look.
"Julie I- i need to tell you this now. You're very special to me. Since the very first day we met. That day, I fell in love with you. And I fall for you more and more every day. You are my world. My one and only. My everything, Julie. I hate myself for not noticing how you feel.
And I want you to be happy and only happy. I want to see you smile.
And if I'm not te one who can make you happy, just go ahead and tell me. Because them I'd just get out of your life. I won't let anything or anybody stay between you and your happiness, not even myself.", I say and see tears streaming down her face again.
"Just tell me. It's okay. I understand that-", she was faster.
"No. No Christen. You are the only one who can make me happy.. And I always thought that you don't care about me.. That's why I felt so upset..", she mumbles through te tears.

I can't believe my ears. Did she really say that?

"I- I love you so much Christen. And only you. I want you to be by my side till the very end. And only you.", she whispers.

I pull her into a big hug.

"I love you too, Julie.", I whisper in her ear. "And only you"

I make her sit on my waist and carry her out of the bathroom onto the sofa. I cover us with blankets and hug her again. I let myself slowly fall on my back, so that she lais on top of me and I can look right into her eyes.
They're shining again.
I put my right hand on her neck and my left hand on her chin. I close my eyes and feel our lips lock.
We let go again and she looks me in the eyes.

"I love you so much.", I say and she hugs me again.

"I love you too.", she whispers into my ear.