Hold On Tight: 'Never let go'

"I'm okay."

So just to clarify, I didn’t let Justin in on my whole past, what I told him wasn’t even the half of it. I didn’t want him to get all tangled up in my horrible past that has damaged me permanently. I wanted us to be like a normal loving couple with no problems but with me he won’t be able to.

I come with heavy baggage and he already has problems with the media and judgemental haters, his life isn’t easy as it is, and I’m just a distraction. I don’t want to be that person to take him down. Justin and I have a great relationship but it’s being put into danger because of somebody that wants to kill me, the somebody that wanted to kill him, because of me, if anything happens to him I can’t imagine the world.

He has kept so many fans alive and away from suicide, and I was one of those girls. If anything happens to him, I will be the one responsible for it.

I’m sitting on the couch staring into space. I couldn’t get comfortable anywhere, my mind was slowly dragging me down, down to the place I never wanted to be ever again, but I saw it coming, it was going to happen eventually.

I sighed and tried to clear my head and think about what I was going to say to Justin. I wasn’t easy. I felt a pair of hands on my shoulders slowly rubbing them. I look back to see Justin staring into my eyes with a cute smile that always made me feel better.

“What are you doing?” he smiles wider kissing my temple.

Shit thinks fast! “Watching tv” I smiled back at him

“Baby the Tv is turned off.” He laughed grabbing the remote and flicking through the channels before seating himself next to me wrapping one arm around me.

Kate you idiot. “I was about to turn it on! Duh!” I tried to play it off as he laughed and didn’t say a word. You just made yourself look like a liar. Stop!! These were the first symptoms of going down. My conscience wanted to break me.

“Stop stressing Kate.” He hugged me tighter.

“I don’t want to go down there!” I cried into his chest. That made his body stiffen as he sat up putting his hands on my shoulders lifting me up. When my eyes met his brown nearly golden orbs my heart started pounding as my tears fell.

“Baby don’t let it bring you down. You are a strong girl I know that you will get through this, and I want to be the person to be there when you recover. My past haunts me to. All the girls I have hurt you have no idea how much I regret it. I just used them like dolls and threw them on the curb after I felt better. Something like a kid would do with a toy after playing with it for 5 minutes.-

My eyes widened.

“After my last breakup I was so down, everything wasn’t reality. I felt the need to force myself to feel better, as soon as I was done with the girls I didn’t care how they would feel. I fucked them on the first day we met and then I let go and acted like nothing happened.”

What if I’m one of those girls? No. Justin would never do that. “But as soon as I found love again, I realised that I made a mistake.”

Did he just open up to me? No I couldn’t leave him. I can’t leave him. He’s damaged to. But he feels this way all the time, his past is brought up every day. He is the one supposed to be crying. Not me. I’m nothing.

“Kate, I want you to tell me.” He pecked my lips.

“Tell you what?”

“The whole thing. Everything. Kate I want to know.” I can’t.

“You can!” he answered my unspoken reply. I couldn’t. Justin didn’t understand. My heart started beating and the room started to spin. As the floor started shaking and cracks appeared. The whole house was splitting leaving me on one side and Justin on the other. He was holding me tight by my hand but then we were forced to let go.