We Are Free

Diagnosis

*June 30th*
I get dressed in shorts and a shirt. I go to my therapy appointment. I check in. I have really been feeling sad and run down for a while. I just feel depressed.
    I don't know why, I hope I can get out of it soon. I don't want to be depressed and sad. It sucks and everyone around me is miserable. My therapist comes to the lobby.
       "Jace, come on back." I get up and follow him into the room. I take a seat in the big, soft, leather chair. I sink in a little and he sits in his chair. "So what has been going on?" I tell him about Disney and then just feeling sad and gloomy and feeling that way since.
      He nods his head and types it up. He looks at me serious. "You need to make an appointment with your primary doctor. It sounds like you are having some depression and you need medication for it. So get in as soon as possible and get that diagnosis."
      "Okay."
      "Until then don't put anything thing more on your shoulders. Don't add stress where it doesn't need to be."
       "Okay." I say good bye and leave I get in the car and call my doctor. Luckily I can get in right now. Someone canceled. I go to the doctors office and check in. The nurse comes for me right away. She weights me.
      "Jace you still need to gain only 2 pounds."
      "I was up there."
      "Well something happened." We go to the room and I tell her what is going on. She checks my vitals and I relax. I almost fall asleep. She leaves and I wait.
    I look at the pictures on the wall and the tiles on the ceiling. I look at the children's books. Some people bring their kids and so there is books for them.
    The doctor walks in almost scaring me. She sits in her chair and talks to me. I tell her about everything that has been going on. I tell her what I have been feeling and that I just want to sleep all day long.
     I don't want to do anything and I am always tired. I don't want to go outside with the kids and I don't want to talk to anyone. I just want to lay there and stair at the wall for hours.
    She listens closely as if she is trying to unlock a safe that she didn't know the combination of. She nods her head and writes it down. She looks at me when I am done and I could tell she was serious.
      "You have the sure signs of depression the good thing is when caught it early. Last time we didn't and you were having anxiety attacks. So I will write out a prescription for the stuff you were taking.
    Take it twice a day. In 2 weeks I want you to come back and if you are having any panic attacks let me know. Then contact your therapist." She says.
      "Okay, sounds good." I leave and go to the pharmacy. I need to wait ten minutes so I park and wait. I turn the car off and pull my knees up to my chest. I'm not having a panic attack I'm breaking down.
    I call Halo with silent tears streaming down my face. She answer in three rings and she instantly knows that it wasn't good. I tell her that it's depression once again.
     I can hear the sorrow in her voice even before she tries to answer me when I finish. She has no words and I can't blame her.
      "Maybe I should go stay with Zac for a little bit." I suggest.
      "Yeah that's a good idea."
      "Are you sure you can do it?"
      "Yeah, baseball is starting but other then that I am good. Do what you have to do."
      "Okay I will be home soon."
      "Okay." I call Zac and he answers me to I hear Ryker crying in the background and Zane running around saying monster. It becomes quiet as he steps outside. Blake and Zane were playing and Ryker was just crabby.
    I tell him everything and I can hear the pain in his voice as well. He says to go ahead and come over, he and Zane would clean up the guest room. I hang up and get my medicine.
    The pharmacist tells me what to do and I nod in response. I go home and pull up in the drive way. I get out and walk slowly listening to the crunch of gravel under my shoes.
    I finally get to the porch and open the door. Halo jumps in my arms. She hugs me and I hug her. She always gets worried when I get like this and now we have the diagnosis she is even more worried. We sit down and talk for a little bit before calling the kids in. We sit them down.
      "I went to the doctor today and it isn't good. I need to go stay with Zac for a little bit to get better okay." Next I would expect questions, comments, hugs, and many concerns. I got nothing. They say there with plain looks on their faces and I don't blame them.
    They have been here before they know what comes after the word depression. They know it is for the best. Emily gets up and sits next to me. She wraps her arms around my side and hugs me.
    She gets up and leaves the room a tear falling down her cheek. Andrew does the same. My heart breaking more and more but I know if I don't go then they will be miserable and I don't want them seeing me like this.
    I go to my room and grab my duffle bag. I throw 7 shirts on my bed and 7 pairs of shorts. I throw 4 pairs of pjs on my bed. I throw some socks and boxers the whole time choking back tears.
    I put my phone charger, earbuds, laptop charger, and laptop on the bed. I put my toothbrush, toothpaste, razor, shaving cream, and deodorant in a bag and put them on my bed. When I am sure I have everything I fold it neatly and lay it in the duffle bag.
    Now I gave up on choking the tears back. I lay my medicine in the bag and leave it open. I leave the room and go to Halo. I can tell she had been crying but didn't want to admit it. This is hard and I don't want to do it.
    She understands why I have to. They can't do it and they can't see me like this. I finally quit stalling and go back to my room. I close my bag and grab my phone. I put my shoes back on and the kids come running out. They both hug me and cry.
      "I love you Jace." Emily says.
      "Yeah, I love you to Jace, get better soon."
      "I will, I will. I love you both. I stand up and lay my bag on the floor. I look at Halo and she hugs me. I wrap my arms around her waist and she looks at me.
    She kisses me. Her lips salty with the tears she has cried. I am so hurt knowing I caused them. I'm sure there is salt on my lips to. I grab my bag.
      "I love you."
      "I love you to."
      "Do what you have to do."
      "I will." I walk out the door before I have to see her shed a tear. I close it and look at it. I know I am only going to Zac's but it's still hard. My world is being taken out from under me like a rug pulled with a person standing on it.
    I haven't hit the ground yet but I will soon, and when I do I am going to be glad that they aren't there to see it happen.