We Are Free

Sleep Over

Over the next few weeks I have nightmares so bad I wet the bed and think someone is watching us. I'm scared straight. Friday I ask Zac to come stay with us. He says yes. After work he heads home to pack. We go home to get ready.
     "Why is Zac coming?" Emily asks me.
     "I'm going through some things and I need him to help me."
     "Was it us?" She asks me. My eyes well up with tears almost as if they were about to spill over but don't her casted arm lays on my right leg.
     "No it's not your fault it's never your fault you just keep being a kid and keep having fun."
     "Okay." I get up to check on dinner Zac walks in the house with a duffle bag and pillow.
     "Hey." He says.
     "Hey I just started dinner." I tell him.    
     "What are you making?"
     "Hamburgers, mashed potatoes, and cheesy broccoli."
     "Better than what I was going to have."
     "What were you going to have?"
     "Tv dinner."
     "This is why I don't gain a pound yet you can't stop. I'm surprised you're skinny."
     "Me to but oh well."
     "Well I have two growing kids to feed."
     "Yeah that's why you cook healthy meals."
     "Yeah but I still have a lot of junk foods."
     "Really?"
     "Check the pantry." I tell him moving my head to that direction. He goes over and opens the door. His mouth hangs open.
     "Who are you and what have you done with Jace?" He asks in awe.
     "Maybe now I will gain some weight." I say grabbing a spatula.
     "And not slip through the cracks."
     "I could say the same thing about you."
     "You sure about ​​​that."
     "Yes I am sure about that."
     "Okay where do I put my shit?"
     "In the toilet and I thought Andrew needed potty trained." I say to him moving my shoulders up.
     "You are an ass."
     "I know just put it in my room." I say smiling.
     "Okay." I finish making dinner we eat and the kids go into Emily's room to play. Zac and I sit on the couch.
     "I'm thinking about seeing a therapist."
     "Why?"
     "I have been going through a lot and lately. I have been having terrible nightmares every night for the past 3 weeks so bad that I wet the bed most nights. I have been scared straight. I don't know if it's because of the trauma I went through or I'm scared he is going to find us. It's scary and I think I need to see someone to help me deal with it."
     "If that what's you have to do then that's what you have to do."
​​​​​     "I know I need to be able to take care of them and I can't if I have this anxiety and this constant looking over my shoulder to make sure we are okay."
     "Yeah that's understandable you have to take care of yourself in order to take care of them."
     "I know I do and that's why I'm thinking about seeking help if I seek help and can deal with this, then I can take care of them to my best effort."
     "Yeah, and if you need a babysitter there are plenty of people here to help you."
     "I know I will have to do some research see what I like and what place I wanna go to."
     "Well yeah you can't just pick a place and go to it."
     "I know that."
     "So do you have an idea of what place you would want to go to?"
     "No I don't, I will start looking and if it continues then I will go through with it but if it don't I won't go it would only be an hour session once a week."
     "Yeah that shouldn't be to bad."
     "Yeah, I know it shouldn't."
     "Do you know of any places to go?" He asks me biting his bottom lip.
     "No clue." I say shaking my head.
     "You will figure it out."
     "I know I will."
     "Well where do you want me to sleep?
     "Where ever." I say shaking my head.
     "Okay sounds good I will take the couch."
     "Okay I need to get them to bed."
     "Okay." I get up and get them in there pjs brush their teeth and lay them down with a movie on the tv for them to watch. I put my pjs on and sit down again Zac puts his on and we go into the kitchen I get us snacks such as soda, candy, Oreos, and chips we play cards and have fun til 1:00 in the morning.
     We clean up and head to bed Zac grabs his blanket and pillow. He lays on the couch I go to my room and go pee. I lay down in bed and go on my phone for a little bit. I put it on the charger and go to sleep.
     I have another nightmare but it wasn't as bad as the others. I wake up and sit up in bed I feel my pants they weren't wet I get up and pee again then lay back down it was 5:00 in the morning.
     I go back to sleep and wake up at  10:00 and go to the kitchen where Zac has the kids eating breakfast at the table.
     "How?"
     "It wasn't hard they got up and went potty then I made breakfast."
     "You didn't have to."
     "But I did so shut up sit down and eat."
     "Okay." I say putting my arms up. I sit down and Zac puts a plate in front of me and he sits down to eat himself.
     "Sleep good?"
     "Yeah why?"
     "I don't know I heard you scream and I went to check on you but you were sleeping still"
     "I had a nightmare that must have been why but other then that I was fine."
     "Okay."
     "You sleep well?"
​​     "Yeah why wouldn't I."
     "I don't know I was just wondering. What time did they wake you up?"
     "9:00."
     "Okay."
     "Why?"
     "Usually they wake up early."
​​          "Not today."
     "They must have been tired and I don't blame them."
     "Me either."
We eat breakfast then we take the kids to the park. They play on the slides and swings they play in the sand box and get dirty and covered in dirt.
     We walk home and empty their shoes out. I take a washcloth and clean Emily's casted hand very well with it then I put Andrew in the tub. I wash him very well and the water got black so I had to get fresh water in the tub.
     I put Emily in the tub and wash her good to I wash her hair twice and had to get new water for her as well. I take her out and take the bag on her arm off and dry her off.
     She puts her panties on and shorts I help her get her night shirt on and brush her hair then we go into the living room. I put their clothes in the wash and make lunch.
     When lunch is done I put a pull up on Emily and lay them both down for a nap. Zac and I go outside and kick the soccer ball.
     "I don't know what to protect."
     "I don't know."
     "Well I guess we'll find out."
​​     "I guess we will."
​​​​​     "I'm worried." He kicks the ball and it hits my shin bone. I kick it back and he dodges for it catching it landing on the ground. I laugh at him he kicks the ball at me and I catch it mid air.
     We play with it for another hour then go back inside it was four the kids get up from their naps. I give them some pineapple as a snack and they eat it at the table.
     I clean the counter down and take their bowls when they are done. I put them in the dishwasher and start it. I put the TV on for them and they watch cartoons for a bit. Zac helps me prepare dinner.
      "Please tell me you plan on showering."
     "Yeah why?"
    "Cause you stink."
    "So do you."
    "Well I'm going to shower."
​​    "Good."
​​​​    "Put plates and silverware on the table." I tell him handing the forks to him.
     "Okay fine." He puts plates and silverware on the table he gets napkins and cups. He puts those on the table to. I cook dinner and we eat and Zac takes a shower after I put the dishes in the dishwasher.
     I clean down the counters and table. Zac gets out of the shower and I get in the shower. I get in and wash up. I wash my hair and get out I dry off and get dressed. I put my clothes in the laundry room and go to the living room I sit in the chair.
     The kids were playing on the floor. I watch the tv for a little bit and rock in the chair. When it was 7 I put both kids down for bed and go back to the living room. I sit next to Zac on the couch.
     Zac drinks out of his water bottle. He screws the cap back on and sets it on the coffee table. I fold a blanket that was Emily's it was a Barbie blanket I lay it on my lap.
     "Watch out for them damn Legos."
     "You step on one?"
     "Two." I start laughing.
     "That's not funny them little suckers hurt."
     "That's why I watch what I'm doing when I walk through the house."
     "Well I don't have little kids."
     "But still."
     "Shut up before I take a Lego and shove it up your ass."
     "Look I know you don't mind dating boys but that takes it a step to far."
    "Fuck you."
    "If you insist but I don't know how well that would work."
    "It would work I just don't wanna try it."
     "Now that went too far."
     "That's what I was going for to get you to shut up."
    "I'm going to kick you in the nuts."
    "I would kick you in yours but I couldn't find then they are so small."
     "Your's are so small I'm going to get you a box of tic tacs so you have something to fall back on when yours fall off."
     "I'm going to get you a bag of rice."
     "I'm going to get you a bag of sand what color would you like."
     "I'm going to put a alarm clock under your pillow and set it for 3 in the morning."
     "I'm going to put a trail of Legos by the couch."
     "Fuck you."
     "Once again I don't know how well that would work but you can try."
     "Wouldn't dream of it you probably suck anyway."
     "Well I hope you have a good gag reflex because you swallow a lot."
     "Fine I challenge you to tennis on the wii. The loser walks on Legos.
     "Deal."
     "You first?"
     "Nope ladies first." I say to him. I set it up and give him a remote we play for a round after making are characters. I win the match so, he wants a 2 out of three. He wins the second one.
     "You ready to walk on Legos?" I ask him.
     "The only one taking that walk of shame will be you." He says.
     "I'm use to it."
     "don't care." I swing my remote hit the ball and he misses I win the game.
     "Yes yes yes."
     "I hate you so much."  I take Andrews and Emily's bin of Legos and pour it in a long strip till I run out I pull out my phone. I start recording it.
     "Hell no." He says.
     "Hell yeah Halo has to see ​​​this."
     "I'm going to get you for this." He walks on the Legos slowly with a look of pain on his face. He finally gets off the Legos. I stop recording it and put my phone away.
     "I am not cleaning this up." He says circling the Legos with his finger.
     "That's fine I already have my winnings." I say still laughing but trying to stop. I pick the Legos up and put them back in the bin. I go in the kitchen with him.
     "Are you robbing me of food?"
​​​​     "Yes." He says looking in the cupboard.
     "And you think that's going to hurt me?" I ask him raising my eyebrow once more.
     "No I'm just hungry, walking in a pile of Legos takes it out of you.. he says and I smile before shaking my head.
     "Fine go ahead." I say. I get some ice cream out, nuts, Oreos,gummy bears, gummy worms, chocolate sauce, Caramel sauce, peanut butter sauce, m&m's, Reese's pieces, and much much more.
     "Dude your rock." He says with a huge smile.
     "Get a bowl cuse it's about to go down." I tell him. He gets a bowl. I get a bowl we get lots of ice cream and a little of everything on top of it. We go to the living room with soda and are ice cream. We find a movie and watch it after the movie we go to bed.
     I fall asleep and don't have a nightmare. I wake up in the morning feeling good and happy. I get out of bed and go to the living room it was sunny and bright out. The kids were playing but I didn't see Zac.
     "Where's Zac?" I ask them
     "Bathroom." Emily tells me not looking up from her wooden block puzzle.
     "Okay." He comes out of the bathroom. He was dressed.
     "So?" I ask him looking innocent.
     "My feet still hurt." He says glaring at me. I start laughing.
     "Well hope they stop before work tomorrow."
     "Well that Lego up the butt is still an option." He says crossing his arms.
     "Yo there are ears in the room." I say like they haven't heard worse.
     "Yeah yours but they are full of cotton so no worries." He says sticking his tongue out at me.
     "You know your ears are so bad not even a toilet plunger would work." I tell him sticking my tongue out at him. He heads to the kitchen and we make breakfast. We feed the kids and we eat breakfast. I show the video to the kids and they laugh at it.
     "I'm glad I could amuse you all." He says rolling his eyes.
     "Amuse us please I don't know why I pay for tv." I say and the kids start laughing again.
     "I hate you." He says
     "I'm glad." After lunch Zac heads home and I do some house chores while the kids play in the living room Emily's birthday was coming up and Andrews wasn't long after that either.
     Emily's birthday is July 4th she was born on the 4th of July holiday. We were watching the fireworks when my mom went Into labor. 6 hours later Emily came into the world.
    Then August 10 a few years later Andrew came into the world. My birthday is January 1st. The problem is with Emily's birthday is that it is June 20th.
      "Emily what do you want for your birthday?" I ask her.
     "A Barbie house a pink one." She says I write it down on a piece of paper.
     "Okay anything else?"
     "A doll."
     "What kind?"
     "A tall one."
     "Okay that it?"
     "I want a movie."
     "What movie?"
     "I don't know just a movie. I want a dress and some more Legos some headbands and hair ties."
     "You have to many hair ties."
     "No such thing." I roll my eyes at her. Yup, I'm raising a mini Halo.
     "Okay that it?"
     "A Barbie doll and a night gown."
     "That it?"
     "Play dough that is it."
     "Okay sounds good."
     "Can Halo come and Zac and Anna?"
     "Yeah they can come."
     "I'm happy."
     "I know you are and I'm happy your happy." Monday I go back to work after work when the kids are down for bed I look up councilors in the area. I decided I want to get some help no matter what.
     It will be good for me to have a professional helper to fall back on. I write down a few numbers and put my laptop away. I decide to go to bed it was only 8:00 but I didn't care.
     I have another nightmare and wake up right at 5:00 from it. I didn't want to get up between the nightmare and tossing and turning all night I didn't sleep. I get up and my heart starts pounding and I start shaking. I know what this is an anxiety attack.
     I had them when my mom died. When I woke up in the hospital covered in bruises scratches and with a broken wrist and hand I cried out for my mom but she didn't answer. The doctor came in and she told me my mom had died and my dad would be in soon. I started crying. Since that day I had anxiety attacks every day I eventually had to see a councilor for it and talk about what happened.
      When my dad started drinking again and I had to get a job. I was 15 but I was smart. I got the job at the auto shop and worked to support my siblings. I stopped having anxiety attacks somehow.
     Until this morning this is making me nervous. The anxiety attack stops and I get ready for work and get the kids ready we head off. I'm still shaken up about it now I know I need to see a therapist.
     After work I call each office and see what's suitable for me. The last one I call is covered by are insurance and I could even get the kids into. I make an appointment. I had to go in Thursday.
     I smile I'm happy I didn't put the kids in yet though. My appointment was at 6 I call Anna and she says she would watch the kids. It was a half hour car drive. I put my phone down.
     "Jace can I call people and invite them to my birthday party?" Emily asks me
     "Yeah who do you want to invite first."
     "Halo." She says. I am not shocked at all.
     "Okay Halo it is."   I pull up Halo and hit call I hand the phone to her.
     "Hi." Halo says I have her on speaker phone.
     "Hi Halo!" Emily says with a smile on her face.
     "Hi sweetie what's up!"
     "Nothing I wanted to ask you a question."
     "Sure."
     "Can you come to my birthday party the 4th of July?"
     "Of course I will come sweetie what time do you want me."
     "2:00."
     "Okay I will be there."
     "Yay!'
     "Okay sweetie I have to get going thanks for the invite."
     "Your welcome bye."
     "Bye."She hands the phone to me and I pull up Zac.
     "Hello."
     "Hi Zac."
     "Hi princess how's it going?"
     "Good I wanted to know if you would come to my birthday party?"
     "Of course I will come what time?"
    "2:00."
    "Okay I will be there"
     "Yay okay bye."
​​​​     "Bye princess." I dial Anna and she invites Anna she says she will come to. Emily is so happy. I have the party all planned.
     "What kind of cake do you want?"
     "Princess one."
     "What flavor?"
    "Rainbow."
    "Aren't you a colorful little girl."
    "Yes I am."
    "Saturday you are going to Zac's."
    "Why?'
     "So I can do some things and I can't have you with me or Andrew."
     "Okay I'm going to play with my barbies"
     "Okay have fun.'
     "Can you play with me please Jace?"
     "Okay for a little bit then you have to go to bed."
    "Okay I promise." I follow her to her room Andrew comes in and sits on the floor we play for an hour then I put them down for bed. Saturday I drop them both off at Zac's house and go to Toys-R-Us.
     I look at my list of things she wanted I get her all the things she wanted. I get her a small skateboard and a pair of rollerblades. I get her some play dough and I get her a outfit and shoes that have a matching outfit and shoes for the doll I got her. 
     I get her a ballerina dress. I pay for it all and leave the store I go to Walmart for some things we need for the house. I find a picture frame that has the infinity sign on it and family at the top.
     I put it in the cart and I get tape and wrapping paper I get party hats, plates, napkins, cups, self blow up balloons, candles, a tablecloth, a piñata, and a small bag of candy for them to have. I pay for it and leave.
     I go home and wrap it all. I hide the presents in my closet shelf. It was the 23rd and I have to call and get a cake for her. Not yet though. I hide all evidence of her birthday stuff except the tablecloth, cups, napkins, and plates. I feel accomplished.
    Zac drops the kids off. All I have to do is get her a few cards and cake and ice cream. The next day she goes to the doctor and he takes her cast off and gets x-rays.
     "Her arm is healing well so that's good." He says.
     "Okay."
     "I wanna put another cast on of course."
     "Okay her birthday is coming up and I have some water things they are doing is there any way she can participate?'
     "I can put a waterproof cast on her and she can bathe with it on play in the water and stuff like that."
     "Okay can we do that?"
     "Yeah." He puts the new cast on her and we go home now we can do what I planned.
    On June 30th I call in for her cake. They will call me when it's ready. Halo got her a Barbie doll and a pack with a bunch of outfits and shoes. She also got her a my little pony dress.
     Zac got her a pink nerf gun with tons of bullets. Anna got her some ponies, a huge stuffed my little pony she wanted, and a snackie. They each got her a card and at work Dan handed me a card and a little box said he couldn't make it since I had invited him.
     He got her a small stuffed dolphin. The box was wrapped in pink glittery paper. I thank him and we go home. On the 4th Anna comes early.
      "Hi guys." She says
​​​​      "Hi." I say.
      "Anna." Emily says running to her and hugging her.
     "Hi princess happy birthday!" Anna says hugging her.
     "Thank you."
     "Halo is going to bring my present." She says.
​     "Okay I will be back." I tell her.
     "Okay." I go to Walmart and get bubbles, fire works, sparklers, noisemakers, a sprinkler, her cake, glow wands, ice cream, and food for dinner. I leave and go home. It was 1:30 I set the big table up outside. Anna helps me put the tablecloth on it we tape it down we get the plates, cups, drinks, napkins, and everything else.
     I put ice in the cooler and put soda, water bottles, and juice boxes in the cooler. I set up the sprinkler. Anna puts the presents on the table I set up the piñata. Halo arrives and puts her and Anna's presents on the table. She helps us finish setting up the party.
     Zac shows up and puts her present on the table. I get both kids in their swimsuits. It was 2:30 we all start dinner. I put the sprinkler on and the kids run in it I get towels for them Zac came wearing his swim trunks.
     Halo had her swimsuit on under her clothes I put my swimming shorts on and ditch my shirt Zac ditches his shirt and Halo ditches hers but she had on a black and neon bikini. We put are clothes and towels in a folded pile.
     She stays in her short shorts Anna didn't get her swimsuit on she didn't want to play in the sprinkler and mud. Halo eventually gets rid of her shorts and puts her hair in a pony tail and plays in the water with them Zac helps me at the grill I look over at Halo she was playing with them. I get butterflies in my stomach and my palms start sweating.
     "Dude you like Halo." He says nudging my shoulder.
     "Yeah of course I do she is my friend." I say shrugging my shoulders.
     "No you like like her."
     "What no." I say but I can't lie worth anything.
     "You are a terrible liar." He says.
     "Okay fine I do there is just something about her. She is beautiful and so great with the kids. She makes my heart beat and makes my stomach fly into knots faster than anything but she is with the man-whore."
​​​     "Maybe one day."
     "Don't say anything okay."
     "Okay." He says throwing his hands up. We sit down. I go over into the sprinkler and play Zac joins. Anna checks on the food. There was a huge pile of presents on the table for her. I pick her up.
     "I'm having fun." She says. She had a smile on her face.
     "Really."
     "Yeah, are you?" She asks me.
     "Of course I am."
     "I love you."
     "I love you to princess happy birthday." I put her down and she runs in the water again. Halo comes up to me with Andrew on her hip.
     "You did good slick." She says. She started calling me slick because in my first week at work I slipped in oil and ended up ruining my clothes. We all laughed though even me. I had to get a new shirt and ever since she has called me slick.
     "I always do good."
     "Depends but you did good."
     "I did didn't I." She kisses my cheek and hands Andrew to me. I put him down and go by Zac. Zac was checking on the food.
     "What she want?" He asks me as he flips a burger.
     "Just to talk."
     "Okay."
     "Jace I'm hungry." Emily says rubbing her belly.
     "There is crackers, fruit, and cheese on the table maybe if you asked Anna nicely she would get some for you."
     "Okay."
     She runs to Anna. Halo runs around with Andrew. For once everything seems perfect. It all seems right. When dinner is done we set the table up to eat.
     I wrap the kids in towels and get the high chair. I put Andrew in it and sit Emily at the table, we all eat. We share memories and laugh at each other. When we are done eating we throw our garbage away and I get the glow sticks out.
     I snap them and give them to the kids. I put them around their waists, necks, ankles, and wrists Halo, Zac, and I do the same to ourselves. The kids continue to play in the sprinkler. Halos phone rings.
     "Hello." She says.
​​​     "Hey babe where are you?" Derek asks. He just makes me mad.
     "At Jace's it is his sister's birthday."
     "Come home."
     "No, I am staying here."
     "How old is his sister?"
     "6 today."
     "Then why does it matter?"
     "It matters because his sister personally called me asking me to come and I told her I would so I'm at his house at the party."
     "She won't know the difference come home."
     "She does know and she was so excited for me to come. I have known Jace and his family for years and his sister don't deserve for me to leave because of your ass so no I'm not going to your house. It's not my home I'm staying where I am until the party is over and I'm going home. You don't own me." She hangs up on him.
     "Bastard." She says setting her phone on the table.
     "I'm going to keep my mouth shut." I say.
     "Okay it's gone kinda downhill but we are good."
     "As I said I'm going to keep my mouth shut. I'm so glad that we have two weeks off." I say changing the subject.
​​​​     "Me to."
     "Yeah thats nice."
     "On the 6th I'm going out of town to visit a few friends for a week I will be back on the 13th." Anna says.
     "Okay that's fine I will be good I promise." Halo says bending her head back and smiling
      "I know you will be fine." Anna says.
     "Derek and I have a date planned we are going to his cabin for a couple days."
​​     "Where's that?" Zac asks her.
     "About 3 miles from here."
     "Great." I say rolling my eyes.
     "I'm going to ignore that."
     "Emily it's time for presents." I say I want this conversation over. Halo rolls her eyes.
     "Yay!" She says running to me. She sits in a chair and I hand her a bag she opens the card.
     "Can you read it?" She asks me.
     "Yeah give it to me." She hands it to me.
     "Happy birthday to a very special girl you deserve to live it up on this very special day. Happy birthday love Halo." She laughs and pulls the tissue paper out of the bag. She kicks her feet and pulls out the dress Halo got her then she pulls out the Barbie doll and the pack with all the clothes.
     "Let me see." I say. She holds it up and we all take pictures of her.
     "Thank you Halo." She gives Halo a hug.
     "You are welcome sweetie. I'm glad you like it." She sits back down I hand her Zac's gift. I read the card and she opens the wrapping paper. She gives Zac a hug and thanks him. We take more pictures of her.
     "She is so tickled pink." I say smiling.
     "Yes she is." She sits down again I hand her Anna's gift I read the card and she opens the present.  She thanks and hugs Anna I hand her Dan's gift and tell her he couldn't make it and she was okay with that.
     She opens it and hugs the stuffed animal. I hand her one of my presents. She opens it as I read the card. I get to her doll house it was a build it yourself doll house. It was a big I set it down she stands up the box was almost as tall as her she rips the paper off.
     When she sees what it was she runs right up to me and hugs me she jumps into my arms. I hug her back when I let her go she is crying.
     "Why are you crying?"
     "I'm happy you're the best big brother in the whole wide world."
     "Awww." I pull her close to me they all take pictures. She gets down.
     "Can we build it together?" She asks.
     "Of course we can." I say.
     "When?"
     "Tomorrow."
     "Okay."
     "I have one more present for you."
    "What?"
    "Here?" I hand her the picture frame I had put a picture of me, my mom, Andrew and her in it. She takes the wrapping off and looks at the picture. She hugs me I hug her again and everyone takes pictures.
     We stack all her presents up and I get the cake and ice cream. I put six candles on it and light them. I put the cake down and we sing happy birthday to her she blows her candles out and Halo and I serve cake and ice cream.
     We all sit down to eat are ice cream and cake. The kids play in the water some more and when it gets dark Zac and I break out the fireworks. The kids sit with Halo and Anna. Zac and I light fireworks. We light them for a half hour and give the kids sparklers and noise makers.
     We talk and laugh and have a good time. When 9 comes around everyone heads home. I give the kids baths and put them down for bed they fall asleep right away. I take a bath and go to bed myself.
    As I fall asleep everything just feels perfect I can't describe it and I can't claim the feeling all the way everything was perfect and we were all happy. I'm glad I did this I'm glad I moved and I'm glad I have this life.