We Are Free

Fighting With Emotions

Until the 13th Halo feels a little better every day. On the 13th Anna picks her up.
"Well that's my ride." She says.
"Yup if you need anything call me."
"Will do slick have fun." She says kissing my cheek. I try not to blush.
"Always do." I say. She leaves the house and goes to her mom's car. She waves at me as she leaves I don't want her to go but I look back at when we played in the creek.
I can't get it out of my head a girl will come but she will never be mine. Halo came but she will never be mine. I know it. I go into the house and prepare lunch. My heart starts pounding and my palms get sweaty again it's not a panic attack rather a Halo attack she does something to me but I have to get over it she will never be mine.
I fix lunch up for the kids we eat and they go down for a nap. I clean the house thinking about what happened with Halo and me laying in bed, holding her, the creek. and I can't help but think maybe we do have a chance, but we will never be a couple and she won't be mine I try to push it out of my head.
I go outside on the back porch. I sit down on the chair and look up at the sky. I see birds fly by me over head. I hear bugs in the trees past the yard. I see pink and blue blow up balls, jump ropes, hula hoops, a play tent, soccer balls, a basketball, and frisbees.
I go into the garage and grab the tote we use I go around picking up the stuff and putting it in the tote. I put the tote on the porch and put the lid on it I fold the stroller up and put it by the tote.
I sit back down and Emily comes to the door and she is in her summer dress. She was holding her teddy bear and her blanket was dragging on the ground.
"Jace"
"What?" I ask her.
"Are you sad?" She asks me.
"Why would I be sad?" I ask her but I already know my answer.
"Cause Halo left." She says.
"Well she had to." I say trying to not look at her.
"You will see her soon."
"I know."
"Then why are you sad?" She asks me. She is on to me so I just give up. I look at her and sigh.
"You know how you said I like Halo but I didn't want to tell her or admit it?" I say to her.
"Yeah." She says.
"Well I do like her."
"Really." She says her eyes getting wide.
"Yeah but I don't know how to tell her." I say.
"Take her out somewhere."
"How does that help?"
"Well, just be honest with her." She says shrugging her shoulders.
"How though she was just hurt?"
"Be honest tell her you like her and maybe hearing the truth then she will feel alot better knowing that she has found a good guy."
"But what if she don't feel the same way?"
"It doesn't matter then because your a great guy you will find another girl that loves you. No matter what happens you will always be my favorite guy."
"Thank you sweetie and you will always be my favorite girl." She gives me a hug and we go back inside maybe she is right nothing will ever happen if I don't do anything to make it happen. I start making dinner and think about what Emily said for a 6 year old she is smart very smart.
How does she know these things it's weird maybe just watching what is going on around her she knows better. I flip the hamburgers in the pan and just continue thinking. I think back to the day we met I was at the park swinging on the swings I was 11 years old my mom was pregnant with Emily.
Halo came to the park wearing jean short shorts a purple tank top and a flowing blue tie dye shirt the hung off her right shoulder she had on gray and blue Nike shoes they were high tops her hair was hanging loose over her shoulder her hair was almost down to her butt.
She had a girl on one side of her and another on the other side it was slightly windy her hair was flying back in the wind she had a backpack on her to. It was a black and neon green girls basketball drawstring.
I took one look at her and suddenly the world stopped. I couldn't stop staring at her she looked at me and smiled. She was so pretty and I smiled back then she laughed I loved her laugh they went over to the bars and sat on them.
I couldn't look away. Soon after leaving the bars they went to play basketball she was good. She was awesome. She lost the ball after trying to make a long shot she failed it hit the backboard, bounced on the ground, and rolled to my feet by the swings I picked it up as she ran to me I handed the ball to her.
She said thanks and smiled. Then she asks what my name was I told her and she told me hers I fell in love with her name the second I heard it. She was at the high school that year I came to the middle school she was at the high school.
She was a gymnast, basketball, baseball, and soccer player. Me I was soccer and basketball. I told her and she asked if I would like go play with her. I accepted and we played for a while.
I tried to block her and fell over I got road rash on my elbow and it bled. She asked if I was okay and got a wash cloth out of her bag she poured some water from her water bottle on it and cleaned my elbow she then put a couple band aids on it.
She apologized once more but I told her no need. She asked how old I was I told her I was 11 and she said she was 14. She gave me her number and I gave her mine.
Her friends had to get going so we just sat on the swings and talked I was on cloud nine. I walked home with a dazed face and and not even on earth it felt like I had died and gone to heaven.
When my mom saw me walk in the door she instantly asked who the girl was. I told her and she was so happy for me. I smile as I keep doing dinner I was in love with her as soon as I saw her and I still am she just has to know.
She has cuddled with me but we are friends. That doesn't mean anything when I take my shirt off she kinda goes dazed but that doesn't mean nothing either. I push it out of my mind for now and just finish dinner I set it on the table.
I get the kids and we eat I do the dishes and give both kids a bath. Emily had another doctor appointment for her arm. She has had the cast for a month but with the break the doctor has to make sure she is regulating movement in her arm.
I also have to get her school supplies we can do that after her doctor visit. I get them both to bed and look at the calendar on my phone I go back to work the 16th in 3 days it was a fun 2 weeks but I have to get back to work. I still am deciding if I should ask Halo or not.
*Monday*
Back to work it's about time. I really enjoy my job. I get the kids ready and take them. I see Zac.
"Hey." He says to me.
"Here can you take him?" I ask Zac my hands full.
"Yeah, hi buddy." He says to Andrew as he takes him and puts him up in the air.
"Hi." Andrew says laughing at him.
"Let's put you at the table." Zac says to him. We set them up at their table and we get to work. Zac works on a car right next to me Halo across the shopp fixing a car.
"Did you hear what Halo's dad did?"
"No what he do?" I ask Zac with a confused look on my face.
"Go ask her." He says nudging his head to her.
"Okay." I say putting my wrench down. I go over to her car and crawl under it.
"Hey slick." She says not looking at me her head light lighting up the underside of the car as she moves a wrench back and forth. She doesn't even look at me.
"Hey, what did your dad do?" I ask her and she stops in her tracks shocked.
"What do you mean?" She asks me but I know she knows what I'm talking about.
"Zac said your dad did something." I say to her but she keep working.
"Oh yeah, turns out he no longer has anything to do with me." She says sighing and slowing down as she talks.
"Why?"
"Because of Derek but he wasn't really around any way." She says throwing her wrench and grabbing another tool.
"What does that mean?" I ask her.
"It means he got a new boss in here everything will stay the same it's his brother taking over and he is moving to another state."
"That is bull shit." I say.
"I know." She says we crawl out from under and she turns her light off. She takes the headlight off.
"Are you upset about it?"
"No because he never really was around anyway I give my mom all the credit."
"Yeah so what about Derek?"
"What about him?"
"You still upset?"
"Well I haven't cried in 24 hours that's good but I am kinda upset still, not a much as I thought I would be."
"That's good anything you wanna talk about?"
"No not really I just kinda wanna work." She says quietly and sighing once more.
"I know that means if I move my ass then I will die." I say and we start laughing a little bit.
"Yeah." She says.
"That's what I thought." I say to her and she looks at me.
"I'm going to ignore that." She says to me.
"Good idea."
"Yeah."
"So?"
"What?"
"If you don't want me to go then what?"
"You know what it's like to have a terrible father."
"Thanks."
"Sorry I didn't mean it like that." She says but I know she wouldn't mean it like that.
"That's okay."
"My point is how do you cope. You have two kids and yourself to take care of with a dead mom and terrible father.I only have myself to take care of and I have a mom so how do you do it?" She asks me which is a very good question.
"Well, I see what I have to do and focus on that. I see I have to take care of my siblings and I do it because if it weren't for them I wouldn't be happy. I wouldn't be fighting still but I see I have you guys to. You just have to focus on what makes you happy." I say to her. I have so many good reasons to never give up and she does to. She just has to find them.
"How do I do that?" She asks me.
"What makes you happy?" I ask her already knowing the answers.
"Working on cars, basketball, soccer, the kids, but most of all." She says. She pauses for a minute and all seems silent even though there were other sounds all over the place.
"What?"
"You, most of all you make me happy." She says. I look at her and she smiles.
"M-me you sure?" I ask pointing at my chest.
"As I will ever be." She says to me.
"Okay."
"You are speechless hu."
"Yeah I wasn't expecting that but I'm glad I make you happy."
"Do I make you happy?" She asks me.
"Yeah you make me happy all the time."
"How?"
"The way you smile the way you laugh the way you look at me the way you make me laugh and smile."
"If I didn't know any better I would say you have a crush on me." We start laughing.
"Yeah how silly right."
"Yeah." She says it kinda sad. I do to my heart races and jumps it feels like a jolt when you are on a roller coaster or you are in a car and it stops suddenly. I feel something off about it. When I go home I sit on the couch after putting the kids down for bed.
I sit down on the couch I see my phone sitting on the table I grab it and my heart starts pounding. I look at the black screen and hit the on button. My lock screen shows up it was my favorite picture of Emily and Andrew.
I swipe my screen and look at my call button I press the app. My contacts show up and I see my favorites I hit it and see Halo. I press her name and it takes me to the screen to call her.
I look at her picture on the screen my heart pounding palms sweating. I try to press call but I just can't. I sit there and sit there my screen goes dark again.
"Damn it I can't do it not yet she will never be mine never. Maybe it's better that way then she won't get caught up in my life any more than she already is." I set my phone back down and lay on the couch. I look at my phone again and reach to grab it then pull it away I grab a blanket and cover up till I look like a burrito. I just lay there listening to the outside noise.
I go to work all week trying to muster up the courage to ask Halo out but it never seems to work. I thought of many different ways and many different times but somehow I can't do it.
Saturday comes by and it's Emily's doctor visit. It's also school supply day she is so excited but I don't wanna let her go yet. We get in the car to leave and I get in.
We head to her appointment. We get there and check in. They play with the toys until the doctor calls us back. We walk back to the room and Emily sits on the table. Andrew sits in a chair on my phone.
"Hi guys." The doctor comes in and
"Hi.
"So how's it going?" He asks us.
"It's going good." I say shaking his hand.
"That's good has she been using her arm?" He asks as he looks through her papers again.
"Yeah all the time." I say to him.
"That's good." He looks at her arm and bends her fingers and tests her elbow by tapping on the cast.
"Okay it looks good seems healthy. I wanna see her again in 3 weeks you can make another appointment up front."
"Okay."
"Would you guys like to get something out of the treasure box?" The doctor asks them. They both agree and the doctor takes them to the treasure box. They each pick out something and the doctor gives them stickers. I make another appointment at the front desk and we get in the car.
I drive to Walmart and put Andrew in the seat I put Emily on my shoulders. I grab a school supply list for Emily. We go to the school supplies. I get her what she needs she picks out the folders, notebooks, her pencils, and other things.
I get her a backpack and lunch box then we go grocery shopping. We check out and go home. I get them inside they play on the floor. I get the bags and bring them inside. They help me put the stuff away.
I take the school supplies and put them on the table I get her back pack. She helps me put her pencils, crayons, pens, markers, colored pencils, dry erase markers, and erasers in her crayon box.
She puts her note books folders and crayon box in her backpack then we hang it in her room on the back of the door.
"I'm so excited for school." Emily says to me. I don't want her to grow up.
"Really." I say masking my sadness.
"Yeah when does it start?" She asks me.
"September 1st, I have to get you an outfit and some new shoes."
"Yay."
"I'm glad you're excited."
"Me to where do I go after school?" She asks me.
"Anna will pick you up and you go to her house. I will get you when I'm out of work."
"Okay what about Andrew."
"Andrew stays with me."
"When can I play with him?"
"When I get you. You will be there from 3:00 to 5:30 that's all."
"Okay." I go to make dinner.
"Book please." Andrew says to me holding a book out at me.
"I can't right now sweetie." I tell him.
"Why?"
"I have to make dinner so we can eat."
"I wanna book now!" He says stomping his foot on the ground and I can sense a tantrum about to start.
"I'm sorry but I can't read you a book right now." I say to him but he starts whining
"Now!" He says throwing his book on the ground it makes a large smacking sound as it hits the hardwood floor. He starts crying and jumping up and down I get down and grab his shoulders.
"Honey I can't read you a book right now I'm glad you wanna read a book but I have to make dinner." He throws himself on the ground.
"I wanna book!" He shouts at me.
"You keep it up you have to go to your room."
"No no!" He says. He starts having a meltdown and I pick him up he starts kicking me and screaming louder.
"You have to go to your room." I say calmly but sternly so he knows I mean it.
"No Jace no!" He says gasps for air. I put him in his bed and leave the room he kicks his bed and screams. I hate seeing him mad but I can't give in. He has to know I mean business and he has to listen to me.
I continue what I'm doing with dinner Emily plays with her barbies at the table. 10 minutes later I go to Andrew's room he was laying on the floor I go by him and sit down I pick him up. I put him on my lap he doesn't sit up though he leans on me.
"Sit up." I say but he crosses his arms.
"No." He says and I know he won't do it so I pick and choose my battle.
"Okay look buddy I would love to read you a book. I love reading books with you but I have to make dinner first so that way we can eat. After your bath when you go to bed I will read you a book any book you wanna read, but throwing a fit about it won't get you what you want and isn't acceptable."
"Okay."
"Will that work?" I ask him.
"Yeah."
"Okay I think you owe me an apology."
"I'm sorry Jace."
"Thank you would you like to join us?" I ask him.
"No." He shakes his head.
"Okay when you're ready you can come with us."
"Okay." I put him down and he crawls to his bed and gets in. I get up and leave. I finish dinner and when I start setting it on the table Andrew comes out and sits down I give him his dinner and we all eat our food.
When we are done eating I give them both baths and put them down for bed. I read Andrew a book and I read Emily a book then go to the kitchen. I do the chores and sit down. Everything is good I'm happy except for Halo.
I need to figure out what to do and I don't know why I'm so confused I know I love her have since I saw her at the park 5 years ago. I just don't know how to tell her. I try thinking of a way but I just can't.
I give up on it for the night and shower I go to bed. I fall asleep knowing I just have to get Halo and to me, my life would be perfect.