We Are Free

Healing And Birthdays Part 1

I pull up at Zac's looking normal and my face dried. I walk in and Zac looks at me. Zane sees me.
"Uncle Ace!" He greets me like usual. He runs to me and I pick him up. He hugs me.
"Where's auntie?"
"She is at home and I'm staying here for a little bit."
"Why?"
"I need some time with your daddy."
"Okay, daddy and I clean room."
"Yeah!"
"Yeah, come see."
"Okay." I follow him to the room. "It looks nice."
"Yup!" He was so proud and talking so much. Zac comes in. He gives me a hug and Blake comes in.
"Monster!" She says. Zane starts chasing her and she laughs and giggles. We leave the room after I lay my bag on the bed. Chloe was there holding Ryker. He was about 3 months old at this point and getting big.
"So...?"
"It's depression, I told the kids that I am sick and I need to go away. They know what that means."
"Have you hit it yet?" Zac asks me. I know what he is talking about.
"No not yet but we caught it early so I might not."
"That's good.
"I don't have any anxiety attacks yet."
"That's good to."
"Yeah, it is." Chloe says. We sit in silence and I don't know what to say. I have never self harmed or anything like that. I have cried so hard I couldn't breath though. I get up and go lay in bed. I just want to do that now. I just want to sleep.
    I get up and open my bag. I dig through it before finding my phone charger. I feel a piece of paper and grab it. I open it.
    Jace,
We have been here before. I know what sick means and I know what comes after the word depression. I understand why you are leaving. I put the bear that mom got you in your bag. Hug him when you feel sad. He will help you. You have to get better soon, I promise you that no matter what happens in the future I won't give up on you. You can beat this, you have done it once and I know you can do it again. Be strong and just remember you are my hero.
                                          Love, Emily
I tuck the paper in my bag. A couple tears sneak out my eyes and down my cheeks. I reach in and grab the bear. His arm was sewn on because I would carry it by the arm.
    He wasn't fluffy anymore and his smile looked a little crooked. He was missing a button on one side of his overalls and his converse shoes were dirty.
    He is a Build-A-Bear. My mom got him for me for my birthday one year. I hug him and hear the little voice inside him. It was my mom.
"I love you to the moon and back my little superhero." I hear her soft loving voice that made me believe I can be anything I want to be. I break down hearing her voice again after so long. I sink to my knees crying. I just keep hugging the bear. I turn around and lean against the bed. Zac comes in and sees me. He looks at the bear and knows why I am crying.
     He knows what the bear says. He shuts the door and sits down next to me. He sets the bear on the bed and puts his arm around me.
"How can I be anyone's hero if I leave them?" I ask.
"Being a hero isn't about that. You are everyone's hero because of what you do. You stood up and took responsibility for your siblings. You have done so much. Yeah, it's hard. Yeah, it's draining but it's worth it.
    Your are a hero because you left. You knew it was best for them so that's what you did. You can beat this I know you can. You are the strongest person I know. Physically, mentally, and emotionally.
     I look up to you more than you will ever know. You teach me something new everyday. You have taught me to not give up, keep pushing, and love everyone. I have seen you hit rock bottom and come back up more than once.
    I don't think I could ever do that. When Zane and Ryker grow up, I want them to say. My uncle Jace never gave up. I want them to look at you and see someone they can be, a tough, strong, hardworking, amazing man.
     You don't see it but to everyone you have changed are lives in more than one way."
"I haven't herd her voice in so long." My voice cracks as I say this because of the next round of tears coming to my eyes. When she died I set the bear on my dresser and just left it there. I never hugged it, pressed the button, nothing.
     I couldn't. It has been almost 5 years since my mom died and it seems like it was yesterday. Zac keeps his arm around me. I am no hero. I am hopeless, I am so many things and I can't think of a single good one.
     All the things my dad has called me came back. Stupid, ugly, idiot, retard, never amount to anything, kill yourself, I hate you, you aren't worth anything, the list goes on and on and on and on. Zane comes in and sees me.
"Uncle Ace is sad." Zane says.
"Yes he is." Zac tells him.
"I give him a hug." He wraps his small arms around my side. I hug him back and set him on my stomach his back on my legs. He sits with his legs crossed.
"Uncle Ace."
"What?"
"You sick?"
"Yes I am."
"You get better soon right?"
"I will try."
"You are strong! You are amazing! You are the best uncle ever!" He smiles and takes every bad thing I just thought and makes it good. He continues, and makes muscles with his arms. "You are handsome, you are smart, you are lovable, most of all I love you."
"How much?"
"My arms can't stretch that far."
"Neither can mine." He hugs me and lays on me. This 3 year old just took every single bad thing and turned it good. He made me feel like I am worth something and I have a purpose on this planet.
    That is something I will never forget.
*Wednesday*
Andrew's birthday is in 4 days and my medicine hasn't done anything yet. I haven't been working but I have been doing school. I am keeping up with everything remarkably.
     My grades have dropped just a little bit and that's okay. I am feeling just a little better day by day. Everyday Zane comes in my room. He tells me how much he loves me and hugs me. That means everything to me.
     I have been talking to Halo and I saw them yesterday. The kids were happy and we had some along time. I slept over but left this morning. When my medicine really starts working I will go back.
     I have been crying myself to sleep every night. I will eat very little in a day maybe a box of mac and cheese, or just dinner. Zac can get me to eat an apple or something else small. The first night he slept in bed with me.
    It isn't the first time it has happened. I lay in bed looking at the bear on my nightstand. I grab it and hold it. I fall asleep cuddling the bear.
*Friday*
Two days to Andrew's birthday and I have another appointment with my therapist. I talk to him about what has been going on. He gives me some things to do for when I break down.
     He also gives me a way to cope with it all. It's good to know that I am progressing to pulling myself out of this hell. I go back to Zac's house and Chloe was at work. His mom was there and Zac was at work to.
     Ryker was sleeping, Blake was sleeping, and Zane was laying on the couch. He had a sippy cup and a blanket. I sit on the couch next to him. He lays his head on my leg and continues watching his cartoons.
    It was the new version of Scooby-Doo that crappy version.
      "What you watching?" I ask him.
      "Scooby-Doo."
      "This isn't Scooby-Doo."
      "Then what is it?"
      "Shit." Zac's mom starts laughing and I can't blame her. I grab my laptop and work on school work. I start to finish up my assignment for the week and feel better about it.
      "So how are you doing?" His mom asks me.
      "Umm I am doing better, the medicine has started helping but all I want to do is sleep. I have no energy but I have been eating more."
      "That is good. When do you think you will go home?"
      "I don't know. When I feel like I won't have a mental breakdown. I can deal with having no energy, I just don't want them to see it."
      "That's understandable."
      "I have to text Halo though."
      "What time is Andrew's party?"
      "Noon at the movie theater."
      "Okay." I close my laptop as I finish my homework. I am so close and I don't want to give up now. Zane has fallen asleep with his head in my lap. I text Halo, we are planning something exciting.
*Andrew's Birthday*
I wake up and take my medicine. I call Andrew, we all took off for his birthday. We talk for a little.
      "I want you to come home Jace." Andrew says.
      "Really?"
      "Yeah, I miss having you around. I want you to come home."  I can hear the crack in his voice as he is about to cry. "I love you Jace."
      "I love you to buddy." He hands the phone to Halo. We talk for a little bit, I go to my room. I get dressed and eat something. The presents I got him are all at home.
    Halo wrapped them and she will be setting everything up. It's hard for me to have her do it all. It's hard to hear Andrew cry when the only thing he wants is for me to come home. I have a surprise for everyone and I know when I am going to do it.