A Love Conflicted

14 | September Eighth

I woke up to the intense sunlight shining down on my cool face, warming my cheeks. Trying to adjust my eyes, I slowly pry them open and stretch out my body on the white satin sheets. I have the most comfortable bed in the world, and no one can tell me otherwise. Lying there for another ten minutes or so, not wanting to leave my comfort zone I start to think about the day ahead of me. Just as I had planned, I finished editing everything the night before...or technically this morning. I was determined to finish and didn't go to bed until 2:30AM. Looking over at the clock, I check the time and notice I hadn't slept in as much as I thought. 10:30AM, plenty of time to have a peaceful morning and get myself together.

I was always in a much better mood whenever I could have a morning that wasn't rushed. I usually stay up all night editing while still needing to be in a meeting or on set at 9AM the next morning. It never worked out in my favor, mentally at least. This morning however was starting on the right foot.

Sliding off the bed, I walked over to my closet and slipped on my furry black slippers. Lazily heading towards the kitchen, I grab a mug from the cabinet and get my Keurig going. As I waited for my coffee to brew, I tried to scan my closet in my mind coming up with multiple outfits to consider. I mostly spent the entire weekend at Paisley Park in lounge wear. Not that I mind, and Prince didn't seem to care either but I wanted to make sure I put in some effort today.

Once my coffee was done, I doctored it up just how I like it and scanned the fridge as I sipped. I thought back to my first morning at Paisley when he made me pancakes. Quiet as it's kept, those were some of the best pancakes I'd had in a really long time. Now craving them, I decided that's what I had to have this morning.

My pancakes were good, but they didn't compare to his. I had to remind myself to ask him the recipe, although knowing him he probably wouldn't tell. I sat on the couch with my second cup of coffee, catching up on my shows, trying to clear out my DVR and make some space. I was never home long enough to sit and enjoy them, and even if I am home I'm always working.

In the middle of my mindless reality show, my phone starts buzzing. I look down and it's a text from Alex. Before I opened it, I shut off the TV deciding that it's time I start getting ready anyway. Heading to my room I open up her text

Alex: Let me know if you need me to come over today. I know you said you didn't, but I had to be sure. Love you!

I stopped dead in my tracks as I mentally swallowed her words. How could that day have come already and how could I have forgotten?! In a panic, I clicked out of her text to check the date on my home screen and sure enough, it was September 8th. Without warning my hands began to tremble and I felt sick to my stomach. Not wanting to move from that spot, I planted my back against the wall and sank to my feet and without warning tears began to fall. Every year I think it'll be easier, and yet every year I'm left with this same feeling of immense heartache and grief. Although this year, it was now filled with guilt as well. Not once in four years had I forgotten this day and somehow this year I let it slip my mind. I felt horrible and was disgusted with myself. Just because I wanted the pain to subside, doesn't mean I want to forget about her completely.

My slow tears soon turned into sobs as I set there on my hallway floor. Nothing mattered at that moment. Not Prince, not the show, nothing. Nothing would ever be more important than her and I was pissed at myself for forgetting. As I sat there reflecting on her and that day, I contemplated not going to the show. I was in no shape to go and I'd never forgive myself if I didn't get up to visit her. Just as I was getting ready to call Prince and tell him I wasn't going to make it, my phone rang in my hands. It was Alex. I cleared my throat trying to regain my composure before answering

"Hi" I said softly. No matter how hard I tried to hide the fact that I was crying, I knew it was obvious

"I know I texted you, but I needed to call. You doing ok babe?" She asked concerned. I didn't answer because I was too busy trying to hold back more tears. "I'll pick you up and we can go together ok?"