A Love Conflicted

45 | Loss

I woke up to the sound of a monitor beeping beside me. The very sound that haunted me. Flashes of giving birth to Iris flashed before my closed eyes. That same stale hospital smell filled my nose and I could feel my hands getting clammy.

"I think she's awake" I heard a familiar voice whisper not too far away "Go get the doctor".

I slowly began to peel my eyes open in hopes I'd wake from the nightmare of losing Iris all over again. The lights were bright and I struggled to adjust my eyes, trying my best to make out the figure who stood at the foot of my bed. Finally being able to see clearly, I realized it was my Mom. I could tell she had been crying for quite some time. As soon as she saw my eyes open she ran to my side and pushed my hair back before kissing my cheek.

"Riley, Hi baby" she said softly. I opened my dry mouth to try to speak.

"Ma what..what happened?" I asked in confusion trying to determine what was the last thing I remembered. Before she could respond, in walked a Doctor with my Dad following close behind him. He immediately rushed to my other side and kissed my forehead.

"You're awake mija" he said

"Riley," The doctor at the foot of the bed began, "I'm Doctor Hunt. How are you feeling?"

"I-I don't know..sore" That much was true. Though I'd barely moved I could feel how banged up my body was, but more than that I was confused. "What happened?"

My parents stayed by my side, caressing my hands or stroking my hair as the Doctor spoke.

"Riley you were in an accident. You nearly came head to head with another car, the other driver was able to swerve somewhat out of the way but you did still collide and into the barricade. Do you remember any of this?" As he spoke I tried to remember as best I could. I didn't remember crashing but I did remember one thing.

"Blood..t-there was blood" I spoke in a questioning manner. Wanting to know if my memory was correct and what was happening to me in that moment. Dr. Hunt gave an odd look to both of my parents before he spoke again.

"Do you mind if we have a moment?" he asked them and they both hesitantly agreed, squeezing me once more before walking out of the room. He pulled up a chair and sat next to me, clearing his throat before he spoke again. I couldn't imagine what else he had to tell me or why it had to be in private.

"Riley," he paused for a minute, as if he was preparing himself for his own question. Or maybe sparing me one last moment before my world came to a stop. "were you aware that you were 6 weeks pregnant?"

Words I'd never expected to hear. My mind tried to make sense of it, there was no way I was hearing him correctly.

"I-I'm what...was? What do you mean was-...wait no--"

"The blood that you saw, before the accident-"

"No... no no no" I began to panic. My heart began to race, I could've sworn it was going to pound out of my chest. I could feel my throat begin to burn once I felt tears starting to build up in my eyes. I just kept repeating no no no over and over again as if it would change the truth. I immediately felt sick to my stomach and wanted to vomit as soon as my worst fear had manifested.

"I'm very sorry Riley..." he continued to speak but I blocked out everything he was saying. All I managed to make out was the word 'miscarried' and my entire world came crashing down within seconds. A whimper tumbled out of my throat before I began to sob uncontrollably. Never did I think that I would have to go through this pain again, yet here I was 5 years later and still without a child.

I was inconsolable. Doctor Hunt did what he could, but there was nothing he could do or say to make this pain go away. My parents tried their best, and even though I heard some of my family members were there to see me, I refused to see them. I didn't know who all was there, but the only people I allowed in were my parents. That is until the next day.