A Love Conflicted

44 | Revelation

"Riley, I know why you left and I need you to come back so that we can talk. You misunderstood Andy ok I just..I just need to see you. I promise it's not what you think"

"Baby I'm serious, come back to Paisley. You can't honestly think I would lie about this, not after this afternoon. Just pick up the phone and call me back"

Those were just a couple of the voicemails I received that day. Prince blew up my phone until I boarded my plane less than 24 hours later. Yea, I left...again. Sitting in that car as I contemplated on what I should do, I allowed my mind to look at the bigger picture. Once something difficult in our relationship pops up what do I do? I run away. That's all I was good at, that's all I knew how to do. How stupid can I be? Without giving him a chance to explain and without getting any kind of clarification to justify me leaving.

It was in that very moment it dawned on me. I'm not sure how to explain it, a revelation I guess? My actions, my behavior...it's inexcusable and embarrassing and I'm not proud of any of it. Being with Prince has taught me many things and opened my eyes to qualities within myself that I never knew existed. Qualities that I'm ashamed of. Qualities in a woman that aren't worthy to be paired with a man like him. I'm childish, I'm immature...He didn't deserve to go through any of the headaches I put him through. I didn't see it then, but I had a lot time to reflect on that 5 hour flight home and suddenly I saw everything so clearly. Everything from not defending or respecting our relationship when it came to Sam, to how stupid I was to not do simple things he asked of me. How I ultimately chose other people over him and our relationship. And how most importantly instead of communication, my first reaction is to run away instead of trying to fix the problem...like now. Prince doesn't need that. He doesn't deserve that. He deserves a woman much better than me, and maybe Andy is that woman. Whether he's telling the truth or not about their relationship, maybe she's good for him as much as it pains me to admit it. Maybe that's why he clung to her, maybe it wasn't just the music although that played a huge part. If it wasn't physical, maybe he got some sort of intellectual pleasure that he never got from me. Maybe this was the lesson I was supposed to learn all along.

My mind traveled back to that first weekend I spent at Paisley. Sitting on his pillows on the floor, the door to the vault staring us both down in the small space. "I believe certain people are put in our path to teach us things, good or bad" I remember him telling me, just like it was yesterday. "What do you think I'm here to teach you?" I asked him "That's the beauty of it. We won't know right away, but it'll come."

Just as sure as the sky is blue I knew for a fact that this was my lesson. Good or bad, just like he said. He taught me about myself. He opened my eyes to a woman that I don't want to be, and now all I can do is work on me; to grow up and be more mindful of my actions. I guess I have to be grateful for that right?

None of it was easy, I didn't want to leave. Every day without him made me miss him a thousand times over and had me rethinking my decision to ultimately let him go. It's not about not fighting for him or for us anymore, this was me finally admitting that I couldn't handle this relationship. Something that I thought I could do but in actuality I was failing. I failed him as a partner and I failed myself as a grown woman.

I was doing this more so for him rather than myself, no matter how much it hurt. And it hurt like hell. I did everything I could think of to numb myself from the pain. I drank myself into a drunken slumber every night, and every other weekend I was getting higher than a kite in hopes that I could feel free of this agony for just a little while.

Sam flew out to see me a couple times. No matter how inebriated I was though, I didn't allow anything to happen between us, well nothing extreme at least. Admittedly we did kiss, but I mustered up enough strength to stop it before it got any further. We were drunk, and no matter if Prince and I were together or not, it wouldn't be right and I wouldn't feel right about it. I'd hurt Prince enough and if it got back to him that Sam and I slept together, which I'm sure somehow it would, it would crush him.