A Love Conflicted

41 | Birth

I saw Sam once more before he left to go to back to Minnesota. I really enjoyed his company and I was so grateful that he called. Unfortunately the feeling didn't last long and I was back to facing reality. My new reality, a life without Prince. It was one thing when I was just a fan and he never knew I existed. It's another to have created a life with him and have that stripped away...Emotionally I was better off beforehand. They say it's better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all, well I don't believe it. At least for me it wasn't true. I could live with loving him from a distance like I had for years. What I couldn't live with now...was living without him.

I was reminded of him daily. Not just mentally but physically as well. Every time I looked down and saw my tattoo it was an immediate reminder. I've never regretted my ink, but it takes on an entirely new meaning now. I basically have my ex's name plastered on my body, that alone was an odd situation. Usually I'd turn to his music in times like this, but now it was hard to do considering he's the reason behind it.

I wanted this feeling to end, I wanted him back in my life. I wanted to call him and tell him how much I need him but I was too afraid of the answer, if I got an answer at all.

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Alex went into labor at 2AM on a Tuesday night. Seeing as I didn't sleep much these days, I was up attempting to edit a video when she called. I quickly rushed over to the hospital, even though I knew there was a long road ahead. Luckily she was already about 6 centimeters by the time she got there, she had labored a lot at home. She still had a bit of time to go though.

Once she got her epidural she was able to rest and I sat on the less than comfortable couch in her room to wait it out.

"I'm gonna grab a coffee, you want anything?" Mateo asked me

"No I'm good, thanks" I told him before looking down at my ipad. It was the one thing that was keeping me occupied. As I mindlessly browsed Facebook, I saw a video pop up that someone had posted. It was Prince. I read the description and saw that it was an interview and performance that he had done in Paris about a week prior. My palms were sweaty and I debated on whether I should click play or not. I wanted to, but I knew I was playing with fire. I wanted so desperately to hear him speak that I didn't care at that point. I put in my headphones and hit play.

It started off with the host speaking in French so I couldn't understand a word, but the crowd was going crazy. It wasn't until the camera panned to him and he sauntered down the stairs so effortlessly that I felt butterflies awaken in my stomach. Just the sight of him caused my heart to pound. He looked amazing in his black outfit with circular orange glasses and black top hat. No matter how much pain he had caused me, I couldn't help but still feel all the love I have for him. That high didn't last long though. As quick as the butterflies came, they disappeared as soon as I saw who followed him down the steps. None other than Andy of course. My anger quickly turned to into misery once I saw him turn around and reach for her hand. It was a small gesture but for whatever reason it punched me right in the gut, I was already regretting watching this and I was barely 1 minute in.

He was smiling, and he looked happy. Am I wrong for being upset by that? How is it fair that he gets to move on and be happy and I'm devastated, still trying to cope. I don't know what I expected to see, but I would have felt a little better if maybe I noticed a hint of despair in his voice or on his face...but I saw nothing.

I watched as they interviewed him, Ida, Shelby and Morris. I rolled my eyes whenever they showed Andy. All she could do was nod in agreement, she hadn't even been a part of the band long enough for her to have any input yet for whatever reason, there she was.