A Love Conflicted

39 | Goodbye

-Prince-

Part of me regretted telling her the news, but the other part of me just saw it as something that needed to be addressed. Andy is coming on tour with me and she should know sooner rather than later. Admittedly I put it off for a while, I asked Andy to join me on tour weeks ago. I've just been so wrapped up in my music that I haven't had time to talk to Riley about the tour at all.

When I came across Andy it was sudden, but I was captivated by her voice and her talent. When I found out she was a writer as well I knew I had to get her in the studio as soon as possible. As I expected we meshed beautifully. Creatively we were both a force to be reckoned with and I truly enjoyed collaborating with her. I was able to fly her out while Riley was visiting family in Los Angeles. I could sense that she wanted some time apart but she was too afraid to say it, so instead of arguing I let her go. It was very convenient because I was able to spend the majority of my time writing and recording with Andy. Now, Riley may say otherwise, but there's nothing going on between the two of us. Yes, she's a beautiful woman but I haven't been swayed to allow another woman in my bed. It's hard for Riley to understand the connection between musicians, not her fault but it's something that can't be explained.

Once things went into full swing, all of my attention was on my music. I was actually quite impressed with how Riley was handling all of it. I know I wasn't spending as much time with her as I should have, but once I start I can't stop. It's extremely difficult for me to hit the "off" switch once I've hit "go". Which is why I was excited to have Riley by my side on this tour. I purposely scheduled a four day gap during the first leg of the tour. No shows, no interviews, just Riley and I enjoying Europe together. Unfortunately that plan won't see the light of the day since she told me she'd be in Los Angeles then. I was disappointed and upset, I still have a hard time being told no even if the reason is out of my control. Had she told me sooner I could have pushed out the start of the tour, I would have done that for her. Too late for that now.

Communication has never been our strongest suit, somehow we always seem to fail in that aspect. Lately it feels as if we've been failing at many things, and I was hoping this rendezvous in Europe would help us reconnect, get us back on track. Now we won't have that chance. She told me she'd join me after the baby was born but I'd be back in the states by then with back to back shows. Not that I only wanted her to join me in Europe, I want her with me regardless. But I'm afraid if she joins me after the fact, it'll do nothing to help our relationship. When I'm recording our touring the amount of focus I have is inexplicable. Many people take it the wrong way and mistake me for neglecting them along with other accusations. It's been one of the causes of my many failed relationships and I fear that this one may be headed in the same direction.

After Riley left my office that night, things didn't get any better between us. She spent more and more time in her world and I spent more and more time in mine. Every waking minute was spent rehearsing, meetings, or discussing wardrobe with Ria. As cold as it may sound, I didn't have time to work on us. That doesn't make it right, but that's the reality of the situation at that point. I couldn't drop everything and give her the attention that she needed which is why I planned Europe for us in the first place. This is a business that I run, people's money and livelihood are involved, not to mention the millions of fans that were expecting me to give it my all. I was hoping that was something she could understand. With attitudes at an all time high it was very easy for me to steer clear of her. Even as we slept, I'd feel her scoot closer to edge of the bed not wanting to even be near me. I wasn't very optimistic that we'd survive this tour. Quite honestly I'm not even sure if we'll make it to the start of it.

The day she was flying back home to be with Alex, she packed much more than I expected her to. Granted she was staying for a longer amount of time, but something told me a lot of these items wouldn't be returning. Still, I hoped she would at least.

I was in the soundstage with the band, getting in the last few hours of rehearsals we had left. Cass walks up to the foot of the stage and nods at me to get my attention. I instruct the band to keep jammin', not wanting to interrupt the flow.

"I'm about to take Riley to the airport, she's up front"

Cassius was fully aware of the trouble that her and I were going through. He didn't miss a beat which is why I hired him in the first place. He knew I wouldn't want to leave rehearsals which I'm sure is why he came to me directly and didn't move until I did.

I walked out of the soundstage and rounded the corner back into the hallway and into the atrium. Riley stood at the door, arms folded staring outside waiting for me to say goodbye. It was an eerie feeling, and a bit uncomfortable. I couldn't help but wonder if this would be the last time I saw her. We hadn't technically broken it off, but we weren't living the way any couple should and neither of us was happy. As soon as she heard me approaching, she turned around and met my gaze. I don't think I'd ever seen that look in her eyes before. It was a look of lost hope and defeat, and right there I knew where we were headed.

"You have everything you need?" I asked her. She nodded her head yes and awkwardly avoided my stare for a minute.

"Good luck on tour" she replied softly. Everything was so foreign to me, her voice, her body language, even her expression. The woman standing before me was not the woman I fell in love with, I'm not sure where that woman went or whose fault it is that she's gone.

"Thank you" was all I could say. We both knew what the inevitable was, but neither of us wanted to be the one to say it. The longer we stood there, the more I could see the hurt and pain in her eyes. Her eyes became glossy and I knew she was on the verge of tears but refused to let them go. That hurt, knowing that I was to blame. "Let me know when Alex gives birth and send her my love" She nodded again, swallowing hard as to not let the emotions take over. I reached out and stepped closer to her, hoping she would allow me to touch her. She didn't refuse me and I brought her in for a hug. We stood there for a while, her head on my shoulder and my arms wrapped around her tight. As we pulled away I kissed her cheek and felt the cool sensation of a tear that she finally let fall.

I didn't want to say goodbye and I couldn't force myself to. I want to work this out but I'm afraid that she's passed that point. I know it's not easing being with me, but I was hoping she would fight for us in a way that I can't. It's a battle I've never won, and was starting to think I would ultimately lose for good.

I heard the light footsteps of Cass walking up behind us. He pushed the door and held it open for her as she wiped away her tears. She didn't say goodbye, nor did I. I did it in hopes that this wasn't goodbye at all. That she would come back and come with me on tour and we can work on us and do everything I had hoped we would.

I waited every day. I waited for a phone call, I waited for a letter, I waited for her to show up and walk through the doors of Paisley Park. Sadly, she never showed. So I did what I do best and hid my emotions by drowning in my work. Doing everything possible to keep myself busy, which wasn't hard in the slightest.

As I sat on the plane headed to Europe, I shut my eyes briefly, mentally getting myself together for the busy month and a half ahead. I had to focus and I had to regroup. It wasn't until I was awaken by the touch of a hand on mine that I realized I had dozed off completely. I opened my eyes and saw Andy sitting next to me with that brilliant smile on her face. I took her hand and brought it to my lips before kissing the back of it. She gave me a squeeze before setting it back down and lay her head on my shoulder.

I guess it was goodbye after all.