Lost In The Moment

Seven

The last few weeks of England were awkward, performing with Nate and running into him backstage.
He was always kind and understanding and it broke my heart that I did this to him but I couldn't do the relationship thing. I never could.

The day before we left for France we got our mail and I sent packages back home.
"Ohh I LOVE opening fan mail," Jen cooed, sitting on the couch and placing a pile of letters in front of her.
I smiled and opened a beer, tossing the cap in the garbage.
I flipped through my letters before tossing them in my bag and taking a sip.
"I'm gonna take a shower," I said and Mike nodded, tearing open an envelope.
I turned on the shower and got undressed before getting in. I leaned against the shower wall and let the water flow over me, warming me up and wetting my hair.
I took another sip of my beer before washing my hair.
"The sky's on fire
All the world disappears
No signs of life without you here
Tears will fall
Oceans will rise
The earth will stop turning," I sang. I stopped there and started crying, sinking to the floor and weeping. I sat down, propping my elbows on my knees, and ran my hands through my hair, lip sinking the words of the song. I kicked the wall and gasped, realizing I wasn't breathing.
"I swear on my life, this is the end of the world," I said, my voice cracking, before kicking the wall again and again.
"Kelsey?" Jen asked, opening the bathroom door. I reached up for the shower doorknob but when I couldn't reach it I gave up and ran my hand into my hair.
Jen opened the shower door and grabbed me, wrapping me in a towel and pulling me onto her lap.
"I'm right here, I'm not going anywhere, I'm right here," she repeated, rocking me back and forth as I cried.

"What's wrong sweetie?" Jen asked, a few minutes later, and I shook my head, drying my hair.
"Nothing, I'm fine," I said and she sighed.
"I have never, in the ten years that I've known you, seen you cry," she said, leaning against the bunks, and I shook my head again.
"Nothing's wrong, I'm fine," I said again before looking over at her and sighing. "You're soaked," I said, reaching out and moving her wet shirt a little, and she smirked.
"Yea I am," she said and I rolled my eyes.
"Fuck off," I said laughing and she chuckled, pushing herself off the wall.
"Yes ma'am," she said, walking away and leaving me alone in the bathroom.
I looked in the mirror and sighed, taking a makeup wipe and washing my face.
"Kels?" Jen yelled from the living room.
"Jen?" I called back
"Someone here to see you!" She called back and I sighed, leaning on the sink.
"Let me get dressed," I said to myself, tugging on the jeans and the long sleeve shirt I was wearing earlier.
"Hey," I heard someone say suddenly and I jumped a little.
"Fucking-" I breathed, turning to see who it was, and I stopped when I saw who it was. "Nate," I said and he nodded before looking around.
"That's me, yea," he said and I smiled, calming down.
"Sorry," I sighed and he shrugged.
"You look nice," he said and I laughed.
"Yea ok, thanks," I said and he smiled a little.
"Jen texted said you needed me," he said suddenly and I sighed, grabbing eyeliner from my makeup bag.
"I'm fine," I said for what felt like the millionth time, and he nodded.
"I know you are," he said and I hesitated before running the crayon along my eyelids.
"Can I ask you something?" He asked after watching me apply my eyeliner and I nodded. "What'd I do?" He asked and I looked at him.
"What?" I asked quietly and he shifted nervously.
"What'd I do to scare you off? you haven't even seen me at my worst," he said, chuckling a little at the last part, and I sighed and ran my hand through my partially dried hair.
"I know and it wasn't you," I said and he scoffed, turning away slightly. "No it wasn't!" I insisted and he nodded.
"Ok," he said, giving up, and I sighed, wracking my brain for a way to tell him.
"I know that wasn't you at your worst, you were such a gentleman and I loved that but I-I want to see you at your worst and I want to help you through all this shit in your life! That Nathan, that is what scares me," I blurted out and he just stood there for a second before grabbing my face and kissing me roughly.
He started to pulled away so I put my hand on the back of his neck and kissed him again, running my hand into his hair and placing the other on the side of his neck. He slid his hands from my face down my neck to my hips where he stopped.
I pulled away and he rested his forehead on mine, panting slightly. After a second he kissed me gently three times, our lips barley touching, before straightening up.
"I'm sorry I scare you," he said before walking away.
I made a noise that was half gasp half sigh and probably sounded like I was dying which I was.