Holding Out For A Hero

28. Got My Mind Set On You

1 Week Later - June 5th

"Home sweet home," Dave said as we pulled into the driveway. I smiled softly before looking back down at James in his car seat beside me.

"Thank god. No more nurses telling me how to do things," I said as we got out of the car and headed inside.

"They were just trying to help you so that you know what to do now that we're home babe. Besides you technically have a male nanny who can help you," Dave responded with as we walked into the living room where Josh was.

"I'm sure I can handle a baby on my own. Besides Josh can't breast feed," I said as I sat down in one of the chairs.

"I'm not lactating or I would do that," Josh joked back and we all laughed.

"That was not an image I wanted but I think I'm going to put him in the bassinet and go lay down. I've never been this exhausted in all my life. I've spent my share of days of staying up all night or days on end but that was a party compared to this," I said as I stood up. I walked by Dave and got a quick kiss on the cheek before I headed upstairs.

I walked into mine and Dave's room and James started crying. I checked him and he didn't need to be changed so I got ready to feed him. Dave had brought the rocking chair into the bedroom for me so I sat down and started feeding James. I rocked in the chair as I fed him and tried not to fall asleep. I looked down at him and couldn't believe I was a mom. He was perfect and was worth the wait. I started tearing up as I continued to look at him. I couldn't help but think about what happened a couple of years ago. When James was done, I burped him and put him in the bassinet. I grabbed the baby monitor off the bed and left the room. I could hear Dave and Josh downstairs in the living room but I didn't want to go down there. I walked into the reading room and sat down in one of the big comfy chairs we had. As soon as I let go of the baby monitor, I started crying. I put my hands over my face and just let the tears pour out. I don't know how long I had been sitting there crying but I moved my hands away from my face when I felt a hand on my thigh. I looked down and saw Josh kneeling in front of me.

"What's wrong? Anything I can help with? I can get Dave if that would be better," Josh said and I shook my head no.

"I'm fine. Everything is fine. Just hormones I guess. I should go take that nap," I replied.

"Is it me being here? I can find somewhere else to stay if it's an issue," Josh said and I put my hand on his.

"You're fine. You can stay as long as you want. It's honestly just hormones," I lied.

"If I bother you in any way at all just let me know ok. I'll try and make shit less stressful for you," Josh said as Dave walked in.

"What's going on in here?" Dave asked as Josh and I both stood up.

"I came up to grab my notebook and heard crying. Was just asking her if everything was ok," Josh replied as I walked over to Dave and wrapped my arms around him. Dave put his arms around me and I started crying again.

"Can you give us a minute please? I'll be down in a bit," Dave asked. I heard Josh walk past us as Dave squeezed me tighter. I moved my head so I could look at him and tried to smile but failed.

"What's wrong? You know you can tell me anything," Dave said as he tucked my hair behind my ears and smiled at me tenderly.

"I was feeding James and I just started thinking about what could have been and how he could have had a sibling. So I got sad and started crying," I said as I let go of him and went back to the chair I had been sitting in.

"What do you mean?" Dave asked as he sat down in the other chair beside the one I was in.

"I was 26 and found out I was 8 or 9 weeks pregnant but there was some complications. I didn't understand them but it was either have the baby and possibly die, keep it and have a painful miscarriage or abort it. I chose the last one after going over and over it again and again. I was looking at James and just couldn't keep the thoughts at bay anymore," I replied. I kept my eyes on my hands as I told him. I started crying again and put my head in my hands again.