Torn Between Two

Chapter 24: Love Her

"Tell me you don't mean it." Jon said.
"Why Jon? You hurt me and I think it's time for you to taste some of your own medicine." I said.
"Miranda you want to know why I really cheated on you?" Jon said.
"Yes." I responded.
"I felt abandoned, okay? Ever since Jay returned it was always Jay this or Jay that. It was never me and you anymore. I just wanted to feel loved and get some affection okay?" Jon said.
"Why didn't you tell me?" I asked.
"I was afraid you would leave me." He said.
"Why would I leave you?" I asked.
"I don't you think I was jealous or thought I hated Jay and left me for being self centered." He said.
"Jon....." I said.
"It's okay. I'm going to be fine." He said holding back tears.
"I mess up everything." Jay said.
"No Jay don't think that, it's not you or Jon that mess up its just the position I put you guys in." I said.
"I love you Miranda. I love you more than anything on this earth. I need your love. I'm addicted and I wouldn't want to have it any other way. I need you in my arms and those soft kisses and you moaning my name when we make love. I need your smile when I say something stupid and the way your eyes glisten when you talk about wrestling. I may be insane but if it's for you I'll be it. I know I said I would leave and stay out of your life, but right now your the only high in this world to me and I can't leave. I can't say goodbye. I thought about you all night last night. How you looked in that wedding dress, I want you to walk down the aisle in that for our wedding. I want that to be me instead of Jon. I want what he has and I know he is not fond of sharing but I'm not either, dam***! I need you. Your everything. Your smile, your hair, your laugh, your heartbeat, your funny faces,your I love yous, your perfection. I need that I don't just want it. I need you to bare my children and say I do for me. I just need you." Jay said.
"Jay I don't know what to say. I really never do though. I want to tell you both that it's gonna be okay, and hold you tight but I can't. I can only have one of you. I can only kiss and hold one of you forever. It's hard I love both of you. Love is a pain inflicted, with love comes pain. If you love them a lot it hurts twice as much. I want to give up but I can't. I love you both not for the same reasons though. I love you Jay for you. I love your smiles, and your chuckles, and how your hair changes colors in certain light, and the way you say love, the way you hold my hand and kiss my cheek and tell me that I'm going to be okay. The way nothing ever feels out of place when I'm with you. The way your not afraid of talking about our future. I love you Jon for......" I said.
"You don't know do you. You don't love me anymore do you?" Jon asked looking at the ground.
"I do. I love your smile and your heartbeat and the way you talk about us. The way your hair fluffs out. The way....." I said speechless.
I didn't know what to say. I loved Jon I truly did I just couldn't come up with the words to describe the way I felt about him. I was afraid the may sound like repeats of what I just said about Jay, I didn't want that to happen either because I both love them with a different kind of love, one not stronger than the other.
"Love, stupid love. I hate it, but babe oh how I love you. How about we go back to the hotel and I show you how much I love you and maybe how much hate you put into me, princess?" Jon said looking me into my eyes. The old Jon was back. The nice caring Jon was gone. Love was not a word he was looking for anymore, lust was.