The Struggles in Life

Me and Him

I beat myself up with my mistakes,

I use those cutting words,

Those haunting thoughts,

Why did you deal with me when I said those things?

I never helped you,

You helped me though,

I would call you knowing I would get help,

But then reject what was given,

So why did you still answer the phone?

why do you still love me?

why do you care?

I have so many memories with us and It was only a little over a year,

I aloud myself to get so close,

I remember so many laughs and cries,

You stayed even though I would get mad at you for helping,

I would call you crying tell you I want to end it,

asking you to let me go,

You always told me no,

I ran away from home crying you helped me again,

I gave you no reason to love me,

But you did anyway,

I could see the sadness when I talked about my mother

You seemed sad like who could ever do that to there child?

I grew so close to you I thought of you as a father figure,

Then you told me,

You told me giving you the longer hugs,

The hugs that made me feel safe,

You said they made you uncomfortable,

I don't think you know but it killed me,

I started watching everything I do I had to ask if I was making you feel that way,

Most of the time it was yes,

So I need to stop,

No more I love yous no more hugs,

I don't want you to feel that way,

I don't want others to look at it the wrong way,

So I can't be my affectionate self,

I need to just not do anything,

Just sit still and listen to the demons inside.

Can't let myself become close because I will make people feel awkward,

Or they will leave me in the end,

I am still deciding whats worse,

Getting close and finding out you make them feel uncomfortable or weird when you give hugs,

they only thing that make you feel accepted sometimes,

Or getting so god damn close and have them move  away will barely ever and contact,

I can't decide what hurts worse because they both happened with you,

But no matter what happens I will always love you,

I just might be able to say it now but I do,