Gazing at the Past, Looking for the Future

Chapter IV: Some New Habits to the Collection

After a wonderful, dreamless sleep, I awoke to the sound of my phone buzzing against the wooden nightstand near Louis’ bed. Wait a minute… Louis’ bed?! What the hell was I doing in his bed? And was he…I looked to my left to see no one, but the bed was messy enough to indicate someone was sleeping there last night. The caller was unknown and the time was 11:31, though I guess Louis didn’t want to wake me up since all the shades were closed.

“Ello?” I answered with my morning voice. There were only breaths in the background, which woke me up entirely from the fear I felt growing in my guts.

“Guess who?” Asked the voice of a drunken man.

“Dad…”

“Bingo. And guess what, that little runaway you’ve had… yeah, I’m not particularly happy with that. You will pay for that. I saw the way you look at that little twat. You think you’re worthy enough? You think you’re worthy for a superstar? A world sensation? Bitch.” Tears streamed down my face uncontrollably. I hated myself for that. “I’ll forgive you for that small accident, but don’t fail me again, Diannie. I won’t forgive twice. Be the daughter I always wanted to have.” And with that, he hung up. I sat in the bed, still holding the phone at my ear, long after the call ended. Tears streamed down my face without a sound or weep. I was completely still aside from blinking and breathing.

About 23 minutes later, I received a text message from Liam:

Li-bro XX :) :

“How are you feeling? We’re all at Nando’s for lunch, Niall was… well… Niall. Want anything?” I thought about what Dad said on the phone and what he wants. I felt sick to my stomach, though I was hungry. No. I’m not eating. I’m making Dad proud. I might not be worthy, but I am sure as hell will be.

Me:

“I’m fine. No thanks, I’ll grab something from the kitchen. Have fun! XX” I felt the tears pour down my face as I shamelessly lied to my brother. My own brother. Dad’s right, you are a bitch. I thought to myself.

Li-bro XX :) :

“:( okay Annie. Louis got you your meds. He says they’re on the table. Do you want me to come home?”

Me:

“No no no. enjoy the food. I’m just going to watch some movies and rest a bit. See ya in a bit! X”

Then I got a text from none other than…

Baby CarroTommo:

“Stay away from my carrots!! They’re mine! MINE!” Oh Louis… No! Don’t even think about it! No! Though I couldn’t stop the smile from forming between my tears.

Baby CarroTommo:

“Okay fine. You can have one. Maybe 2 cause you’re hurt and all ;P”

Me:

“I’m taking every single carrot I can find. I hope you had enough time to say bye. And by the way, didn’t mama tell you it was rude to text at the table? ;)”

Baby CarroTommo:

“You better hope you’re joking about my babies or I’m gonna tickle the living shit out of you! Oh and yeah… shut up -_- “

Me:

“Watch your language boy! Lol. Yeah. I wanna see u try! ^_^”

After that I received no more messages, so I put my iPhone to charge. I walked to the kitchen and found a white paper bag with my name on it in black printed letters: “Diana Emilia Payne”.  I remember the kind of meds I was given. No way was I given the same as… no. Mum used them when she had her shoulder completely dislocated at a car crash. Damn.

Warning: “Do not consume with alcohol. Keep a healthy diet with consumption of medication. Consult a doctor immediately with formation of side effects. May cause severe fatigue and thinning of blood. May cause…” I stopped reading. I mean, I get the just. Blah blah blah. Fine, it’s dangerous, consult a doctor, watch your diet... Bullcrap. It’ll be fine. I swallowed a white pill and turned to the couch. There was nothing interesting on the telly, so I just put on some music. I mean, I loved One Direction as a band, despite the biased opinion I already have. I sang along to almost every part of every song and watch all of their music videos. Liam never looked like his Daddy Direction self in those videos. Well, maybe in The Story of My Life.

I opened twitter, which was the first in so many… days? Weeks? I forgot.

@Diana_Payne why were you at the hospital? Are you ok?

@Diana_Payne are you and Louis a thing now?

@Diana_Payne you’re so not Louis’ type. You’re so ugly. Bitch.

@Diana_Payne I think you need to lose some weight. I mean not much, but lose some sizes. :*

@Diana_Payne is it true that you got so drunk you passed out?

I didn’t reply to a single tweet and just closed the twitter as sleepiness took over me. I tried to fight it, but eventually I gave up.

I woke up an hour later, paranoid for the time I was out for. Okay, it was only 14:10. Wait, Monday? I have 3 days left until we go on tour.

I sat on the couch with my knees to my chest when I decided to take my phone again, this time to do something I have never done: look up pictures of models and learn their ways to being perfect. Yes, there were pictures of bone-skinny girls, but they didn’t faze me. I knew I would only not eat until I’m perfect and they clearly were not perfect, so problem solved.

I locked my phone and walked to the bathroom. There was a scale? Louis? Harry? Really? On either way, I stepped on it to find the too high number: 51kg. I was 157cm, so this was normal. I closed the door (just to make sure if they decide to walk in…), and took off my shirt and trousers. I am fat. Dad’s right. I could pinch the fat on my stomach and my thighs touched enough to be disgusted. That’s when I remembered what those girls wrote in the pictures. “Throw a meal; do a drill, skip dinner;  wake up thinner.” I haven’t eaten anything today, but maybe… just maybe I can try? It couldn’t hurt, can it?

I bent over the loo and let me hair fall to my side as I shoved a shaking finger to my throat. I was about to give up and walk away when I heard Dad’s voice echo in my thoughts. Then I shoved as deep as I could and let everything out. Literally.

“Danny?” I heard Louis outside the door. “Are you alright in there?” next, came Liam barging through the door and knelt down next to me. Louis came hesitating behind me and picked my hair up in his hand as Liam rubbed circled onto my back. I couldn’t say a word for the gushed of vomit that were being shot.

“There, do you feel better now?” Liam asked, looking worryingly in my hazel eyes. I nodded weakly. Oh if only you know, Li… you’d hate me forever. I thought. “I have all your stuff so if you wanna come home, I’ll take you.” I shook my head vigorously at the offer and tears started forming in my eyes. “Hey, I’ll tell Mum that you’re staying till the tour. Okay? No school for you Bunny.” He smiled. I always loved when he called me these cute five year old nicknames. I hugged him for dear life that Louis made gagging noises, though when he realised the scene, he blushed in shame and apologised. I smiled at him, assuring his honest mistake.

“So a sleepover, eh?” Louis smiled cheekily.

“You’re not invited, Lou. Sorry, but I wanna spend some time with my sis here.” Liam grabbed my waist carefully as he walked me to the car. I felt so warm at his words, but I couldn’t help but wishing Louis would be there.