Gazing at the Past, Looking for the Future

Chapter LII: Progress is All About Motivation

~Diana’s Point of View~

I’m stuck in this state of nothing. I can’t see or feel. I don’t know where I am or for how long I’ve been here. Nothing hurts, but nothing is felt, either. I want to scream, but I can’t even close my mouth all the way, let alone open it. I look to my left and then to my right, but I can’t see through the iron-like eyelids. I’m clenching my fist; that much is clear to me. I hear constant beeps, probably a heart monitor. If I focus all I have, I can sense something poking at my stomach, but I’m pretty sure it’s just my imagination. I’m trying to steady my breaths, because if I freak out, then it hurts to breathe and everything around me just slurs into some whirlpool of fuzziness. More than that, if I freak out, I get stabbed in the neck. I feel hands always brushing against my cheeks, hands, shoulders, forehead, legs, or even my throat.

“Hey baby, how do you feel today?” I hear Louis’ voice. I don’t. I want to say to him. Louis, please tell me what’s going on. But I have to stay calm. “Can you move your hand?” I grip his hand that was holding mine. “More than your fist, Love. Try to lift it up. I know you can do it.” I try my hardest and I feel it being moved around, but it hurts too much so I drop it on the mattress. “You’re doing great, Danny. How about the other one?” I lift my entire arm from the elbow to the fingers in the air and it doesn’t hurt, so I decide to be brave and clench my fist in the air. I succeed. “Can you wave at me?” he asked with a huge smile. I wave at him slowly and then, with great pain, bring my hand towards his voice. I feel his nose slightly, and then his closed eyes, then I slowly bring my fingers down to his huge smile and brush them against the lips I am dying to taste again. I can do anything if you’re here, Louis. I love you so much. Are you looking at me now? Oh what I wouldn’t do to open my eyes… I feel his lips on my fingertips and they send little prickles of electricity down my numb spine. “My beautiful baby… can you move your head?” I try with all my strength to tilt my head towards him and I think I manage to do so a little bit, because I hear the sheets being moved under my ear. He lets out a huge relieved laughter that all I want to do is make it stronger. I’m going to open my eyes for you. No, I am going to open my eyes for me. I want to see your smile. I want to see you, Louis. I forgot just how blue your eyes are. I forgot the spark in them. Remind me how they look like, Lou. Please help me remember. I think. I feel my eyes flutter some, but nothing happens. “Don’t strain yourself, baby. You’ve done great.” But I need to see you!

“Oh my God, Annie!” I hear Liam shout in excitement somewhere in front of me. Oh Liam… I want to see you so badly… I send the arm that is not occupied by Louis’ fingers towards where the sound was heard and I feel the air around me, waiting for something to encounter my hand. Soon, another hand grabs mine.

“Isn’t she doing great?” Louis asked excitedly.

“You’re brilliant, Banannie.” Liam said warmly to me and held my hand tightly. Oh Liam… I miss you.

“Can you keep going, Love?” Louis asked me as he brushed my palm with his thumb. I squeezed his hand once for confirmation and I heard the both of them laugh in relief.

“Can you move your head?” I focused and concentrated all I had in me until I felt my ears grazing against the pillow under me. I shook my head slowly at first, and then picked up enough speed for a normal person to say no to something.

“Oh my baby…” Louis said with a huge relief. I want to talk to you. I want to see you. Please help me see.

“Can you open your eyes?” Liam asked. I felt my eyes well up with the tears I didn’t want to release, but nothing worked. I soon felt the warm trail of tears on my skin. That’s when I forced everything I had in me to open my eyes. They fluttered for a few moments and it was such a pain, literally, to try. My head started to pound, but I wanted to see Louis and Liam. I want to see them more than anything.