I Don't Deserve Your Love

Chapter 26

I wake to the sound of soft sniffles. I don't move my head from the bed but I know it's Ryan crying. I lift my head and he's staring out the pitch black window into the darkness;it was probably early morning after midnight. He turns his head and his eyes widen when he sees I'm awake.

"Ryan." I ask grabbing his hand and rubbing it gently. "Are you in pain or something?" I ask worried.

He shakes his head before turning back to the window and staring outside. I sit up and take my hand pulling his face towards me. He breathes heavily while sniffling.

I stand up and take a seat on his bed next to him. "Ryan?" His eyes look into mine and I see the pain and hurt. He pulls me towards him so I am awkwardly sitting next to him. He painfully moves over on the hospital bed making room for me. He takes my hand and lies his bandaged head against my neck. I feel his tears falling onto my shirt. "You okay?" He doesn't answer me falling alseep once again. I lie next to him and fall alseep next to him.

..................

"Cassie?" Madeline. "Wake up." She nudges me. I look up and see her standing next to the bed. I realise I'm in it and gently hop out pulling my hand out of Ryan's tight grasp. "Sorry to wake you. Vi just called to ask when you're coming home. She's coming in a while to drop off Nancy. Ryan's eyes perk up at his sisters name.

"Okay." I nod as she walks out.

I stretch my legs and walk towards the window staring outwards. I need to talk to Ryan about what's happened, but I didn't know how to even start let alone get him to somehow communicate with me. "Umm. Can I talk to you?" I turn around and he looks at me slowly before nodding but then he gestures at his mouth. "I know you can't talk, but I need you to communicate with me."

He lifts his hand up an mimes writing. "Paper and pen?" I question like it's a game of charades. He nods. "Okay. I'll ask for some for when the nurse comes in. She should be here for your medication and breakfast soon."  I felt awkward talking to him when all he could do was nod, shake or gesture at me.

A nurse knocks on the door and walks in. "Morning. How are you feeling....Ryan?" She looks down at the file at the end of his bed. He holds his thumbs up almost sarcasticaly. I stiffle a giggle as the nurse nods. "Good. You need to eat your breakfast and then you can take you medication.  Later the doctor will come into change your bandagaes and check up on you. Okay?" He nods and she moves over a table over his bed and sets down a tray. "Just call me if you need anything." She says pointing to the buzzer.

"Umm. Actually, I was wondering if he could be given some paper and a pen so he can write down what he wants to say."

"Ohhh. Of course. When he finishes his breakfast, just buzz and I'll bring his medication and a pen and paper."

"Thanks." She walks out leaving us alone once again. I sit on his bed and look at this food. It was porridge with raspberries. It looked extremely lumpy and pasty. Blerughhhhhh.

I look up at Ryan who was looking at his breakfast disgusted. He pushes it away. "Come on, you gotta eat it." He shakes his head but then smiles at me raising his eyebrow at me. I knew what he was trying to imply. "No. No. No, I am not eating your breakfast. You need to eat, and regain your strength." He gives me a pleading look. " Fine. I'll have one bite for every three bites you have."

He grins. He takes the spoon and plunges it into the lumpy mixture scooping it up. He  stuffs it in his mouth as his facial expression shows revulsion. He slowly chews and swallows it down.I giggle. He repeats it taking another  two spoonfuls while pulling faces. He points at me, before spooning another tablespoon of porridge. I go to take the spoon but he shakes his head. I open my mouth before he puts it in my mouth. I retch immediately. I gulp and swallow it almost immediately. "That tastes fucking disgusting." I poke my tongue out shaking my head. I take the spoon from his hand. "My turn."

I pile on a huge amount and he tilts his head back away from the spoon. "Oh come on. You aren't five."  He shakes his head then holds up three fingers then crosses his arms pouting. I shake my head laughing. "Here comes the aeroplane. " I make a aeroplane noise before putting the spoon in his mouth. He fake smiles with a mouthful of porridge looking replusive from the food. He chews a bit then opens his mouth showing me all the chewed up bits of porridge and raspberries. "Ryan!!" I squeal and turn away.

"Ryan. What are you doing?" Madeline says sternly, I jump and turn around. Ryan looks at his mum with his mouth open.  "Shut that mouth of yours." He closes his mouth while she starts laughing. I join in as Ryan slowy swallows the mouthful. "God, you're disgusting sometimes Ryan. I don't know how Cas puts up with you." He grins stupidly. "Well you seem to be in good hands. So I'm just going to go sort some things out and I'll be back soon. "

I eventually manage to get him to finish his breakfast, then he buzzes the nurse. She comes in again walking cheerfully. "Oh good. You finished it all. I know it doesn't taste good. Here's your medication. Just have a glass of water with it. And here's the paper and pen. "

"Thank you again." I say but she's already left the room. Ryan swallows his pills before taking the pen and paper in his hands. He looks at me expectantly. I swallow awkwardly before taking a deep breath.

"About this morning. I.. I want to just ask you....." I trail off not knowing what to say. I bite my lip and hear the pen scratching against the paper. I take a look at it.

You always look cute when you bit your lip. x

I smile. "I can't stand knowing you're upset. I understand the circumstances are horrible, but you're alive which is a better outcome than other people. " He begins to write very fast, and I wait patiently. After a minute or two, he hands me the paper.

I know, I should feel lucky I'm alive. But I hate not being able to talk. Everytime I do, something stops my brain from even letting out a sound. I can't say I love you and it hurts me. I know you were upset yesterday about this all. I just can't handle the fact that I will have to be reduced to writing on paper to communicate with people. I feel ridiculous and fucking stupid. I just want to turn back time before this happened. I want to be normal and able to talk to you.  It's been hardly two days and I already miss my old life.

"The only difference in your life, is you can't talk. You still have me and your friends and family. Nothing is different except the fact you can't speak. You can still communicate with me, I mean you're basically talking with me now. I know you hate it, but it isn't forever. The doctor's said it isn't permanent. You're right, it has been two days. And you've barely recovered. You have to let your body recover and your voice'll come back. There's no denying it won't be hard, but I'm gonna be here with you the entire time. I promise." I speak really fast.

You always know what to say don't you.

"Hmm yeah.  Just don't ever do this to me again. I'm fucking serious. I don't know how I even managed to get in a car to get to the hospital. Infact, I'm surprised I've even been able to sleep after what's happened. When Madeline called, I was barely functioning." I mumble into his chest as I pull him into a hug. "I love you." My voice is muffled.

He goes to write something but I take the pen and paper from his hand. I knew what he wanted to write. "I don't need you to write it down. Just fucking kiss me already." He grins and pulls me in for a kiss.  We still had plenty to discuss. But I was willing to leave it for a few minutes. All I cared about was kissing the crap out the guy I loved. Even though he couldn't talk, I was glad he was okay. He meant to the world to me.

I have no idea what I wanted for this chapter. But this is all I could come up with. Sorry. I hate writer's block.

Please vote or comment and I'll see you in my next update.