I Don't Deserve Your Love

Chapter 40

"You sure you don't wanna come?" Laila questions me carefully.

"Yep. I don't need to be a witness they've already got my statement and I don't want to see him." I say adamently.

"Okay....you gonna be fine by yourself?"

"Yes. I'll be fine." I groan as Laila nods before I shut the front door. I sigh in relief, I was sick of how everyone was treating me. 

Today was Friday, it was Ryan's court case. I didn't even want to know what he was going to plea.

I walk back up the stairs towards the guest room. But I find myself standing outside of Ryan's closed bedroom door. I put my door on the cold metal handle pushing the door open.

My nose immediately perked up at the familiar smell. The scent that used to make me feel safe and loved. Now it made me feel sick to the stomach. The curtains were still open, the bed neatly made along with his school books neatly stacked on his desk. Even his cricket gear was in the corner of the room. Everything looked normal. 

I walked towards his desk seeing a framed photo of both of us. I grabbed it frowning at the smiles on both of our faces. His arm was around me and I looked genuinely happy in the picture. There was something else, another emotion in my eyes. Love. I scoff to myself. I was so stupid and naive. 

I chuck the frame to the ground revelling in the sound of the cracking glass. But even though the glass was cracked and scattered on the ground the picture was intact. I bend down and pick up the broken frame wincing in pain as I cut myself on a shard of glass. I ignore the blood seeping from my palm and pull out the photo. I tear it in half and discard it in the half-empty trashcan next to his desk. I step away from the mess of glass and grab some tissues for my hand before looking over his school books. 

I looked over his desk and I came across his sketch book. The one I had grown so accustomed to seeing. My uninjured hand wavers over the book. Do I really want to look at the images drawn? In a moment of weakness I snatch the book and try not to get my bloodstained hand on the delicate pages as I open it. I flip through the first pages, they were drawings of the beach and other settings. I came across some of Nancy and his mother that I had never seen before.

I soon come to part of the book where I saw the drawings of me. The first one was the one from the day we first kissed. It was on the beach and I was reading Sherlock Holmes. I smile fondly at the memory, blinking I let a tear slip from the corner of my eyes. There were many more drawings, some that I don't even remember him doing. They were all unique and drawn with thin gentle lines. I think of his hands that had drawn them, the hands that handled me with such grace, the hands that had committed such a horrific act. I flick through the darker drawings of when he was released from hospital. I remember looking at these, I slam the book shut and drop the book in my hand and I hear it make a loud clatter as it hits the ground. 

I breathe out realising that there was now more than a couple tears on my face. I step over the glass heading towards his bathroom. My hand was still bleeding. I manage to find some antiseptic and clean the cut before bandaging it. I brush my hand over the bandage looking at his cologne on the bathroom bench. I turn away from the mirror back into his room. I should probably clean the mess.

I find a dustpan and brush up glass chucking it in the bin along with the photo and frame. I look at his room once more, I couldn't stand to be in here for one more moment. I rush out of the room making sure to slam the door shut I enter the guest bedroom and all I see is the promise ring on the bedside table. I see it and I dissolve into tears. Urghh I was sick of crying, but I couldn't help it. 

Entering his room just overwhelmed  me, it reminded me of the time we spent together and it was all a lie. I slide down against the wooden door banging the back of head repeatedly against the door. I needed to get out of this house, everything was just reminding me of Ryan and I hated it. 

I curl up with my arms around my knees trying to forget everything I had just seen. I just wanted to wipe his existence from my memory.

.............

It was late afternoon when I hear a knock on the bedroom door. I had remained in my spot on the floor all day.  It was probably Laila back from court with Madeline.

"Cas." Laila says. "You there?" I stand up in uncomfortable pain as I experience pins and needles. I open the door and back away as Laila pounces into the room and hugs me. "Hey."

"Hi." I say glancing at the mirror to make sure I didn't look like I had cried hours on end. She leads me to sit on the bed and seems to be staring at me silently. Madeline was also standing in the doorway, she had obvious tears as her mascara had smudged. I nod at them waiting for either of them to say something.

 "So... are you going to tell me what happened?" I ask.

"Well..." Laila gulps and looks at Madeline who is staring her dead in the eye as if urging her to go on. "Ummm."

"Just spit it out. No lies." I say hardly.

"He umm pleaded....he pleaded not guilty on the grounds of insanity." She whispers cautiously. My eyes immediately widen and my mouth opens confused. 

"What?!" I yell. Madeline seemed to shrink into the doorway.

"There was no chance of him pleading just not guilty. His fingerprints were on the knife. So insanity was the next option." Laila explains fastly as if trying to calm me down.

"But.. but." I start angrily.

"He had been taking multiple prescription drugs after the accident and along with the depression and anxiety, they deemed him mentally unstable." Madeline finishes.

"So.....what's happening to him?" I demand. 

"He's being sent to Seacliffe." Madeline says slowly.

"Seacliffe...?" I'm not not only angry but confused.

"It's a place for the mentally ill. He's to stay there and his health will be monitored until further notice." Madeline explains further.

"Oh." I say in a small voice, I wasn't quite sure how I felt. On one hand he was being punished for his actions but insanity. It all seemed too extreme. Madeline and Laila seemed to understand that I needed to be alone as I was soon left sitting on the bed in the room alone.

I curl up on the edge of bed looking at the ring. The small engraved writing was just readable from where I was. I'm hopelessly yours. 

I sigh, I was curious to what he was feeling. I had been too busy thinking about how I felt I didn't think about how he was feeling. Was he happy with what he'd done. Was he sorry, guilty? Ashamed?

Another thought pops into my head, why should I care what he feels? He's the cause of my pain. I shouldn't care about what he feels anymore.  I don't want to care about what he feels anymore. I wish I could look at that ring and hate it. But deep down there is a part of me that won't let go of him. 

Through all this, he still has a mark on my heart.

...................

What do you think? A mental institution?!! I know, it's crazy right? Anyway, I didn't want to write a court scene, cause it would be real shitty and unrealistic. 

Hope you enjoyed the chapter. Please vote and comment if you did.

And YAYY for the 40th chapter in this highly messed up book! :D

See you in my next update! 

-Imeshi xx