I Don't Deserve Your Love

Chapter 14

Ryan tightens his grip on my hand.

"Trust me." He repeats.

He stops next to the door. "You said you wanted help with this. Look you have to breathe."

I let out the breath I hadn't noticed I was holding. I nodded weakly.

"I'm not going to force you to ride in the car today. We'll take it slow."

"Take a deep breath." I listen to what he says. He opens the door. "I want you to take a seat. Just a seat." I step into the car my legs trembling. I continue to breath, my heart rate speeding up.

"Okay. Just sit there okay, take deep breaths." I lean against the seat trying to slow my heart rate.

"Good. I'm telling you this now. I have no idea what I'm doing." He smiles down at me.

I choke out a laugh, and smile with fear.

I continue breathing, blocking out the flashes of images from the accident. But then I close my eyes and see flashbacks in my mind. I rememeber my sisters face upside down in the car.I start to breathe faster trying to calm myself. The chilling scream of my mum, the echoing laugh of Naomi replays over in my head.

My body shudders seeing the accident in my head again. I remember waking up in hospital, the news of my family's death, the funeral. My heart beat speeds up. My mouth is dry as I try to say something.

"Cas,  calm down. Breathe, slow breaths."

I try to take a deep breath, which ends up as a sob.My airway is blocked. Gasping for air my body begins to panic. Tears start coming down my face. I feel dizzy and uneasy. My chest is hurting as the images are in my mind, they aren't going away. Shutting my eyes fiercely, nausea swoops over me.  It wasn't helping. Nothing was helping, this feeling of panic wasn't going away.

"Look at me." Ryan puts his soft hand on my shuddering face and directs it towards him.  "Look at me. Breathe. You're with me. You're safe." I open my eyes. He wipes the tears off my face. My breathing slowly becomes less rapid as I get lost in his eyes. Ryan pulls me into a hug.

I put my hand to my head, feeling dizzy and sick. I swallow feeling a lump in my throat.  I bury my head into the crook of his neck and shudder violently.  He kisses my head, I feel my body slowly relaxing.

"Look let's stop for today okay." He says softly. I nod and he backs out of the car and bumps his head on the roof.

"FUCKING ROOF. LIL' BITCH." Ryan curses. I feel my self, relaxing even more as I smile. I slowly step out of the car feeling dizzy, I grip to the door tightly. Ryan hands wrap around my waist immediately as I sway. "Here, take it slow."

"You sure you don't have a concussion after that." I croak. I clear my throat. I had parched lips. He chuckles. My breathing is slowly going back to normal.

He shuts the door behind me and guides me back towards the house. As I enter the house and go to walk up the stairs he shakes his head.

"Cas, you just had a panic attack. You can't just walk up the stairs, you still look dizzy." He was right, my surroundings still seemed to be slightly spinning.  "Here." He lifts me up bridal style and carries me up the stairs.

He gently lays me on the bed and pulls the covers over me. "Just rest a bit." He grabs the water bottle on my desk and gives it to me." Drink some water, you're dehydrated." I take some sips.

"Thank you." I say quietly. "For everything. I shouldn't have forced this on you. You don't have to help me anymore. It's fine." 

"No. I'm going to help you. I love you and I want to help you." He kisses me slowly.