the deluded ones [#2]

of

june 9th, 2017

your words bring a calmness upon me, and my heartbeat surrenders to its sudden rise. what a perplexing combination; does it mean anything?

my mind calculates the possibilities, and your words are whispered through the assembly line. the gears in my mind are running; they are coming alive. the chances, the risks, they are great; is it worth it?

and it's as you said. there are certain steps i have to take, certain risks i should take so that i can live, so that i can open the world of my eyes and truly become alive. there is pain i have to feel and success i have to reach for so that i don't die in oblivion like others. and why? why should i do that?

because everything is worth a shot if you look at things just right. that is what you said, and you are right. you want me to do what i feel is right. you want me to never lose the life i have in me, the strength and will to live that keeps me from closing my eyes forever. you wish me to feel every moment of my life and experience, everything i wish to because i can see. i can see the world in its disgusting hate but beautiful pur ities. for that reason, it is even more imperative for me to live, to feel the breezes of the wind, to see the colors of the changing sky, because i can understand it, and i can breathe it in.

"you can only see the sun in a mirror if you adjust or look at the mirror just right."

i am still balancing on the edge of a chasm. do i take the risk of jumping, possibly falling to either a heavenly place or an abyss of stalagmites? do i run away to familiar safety?

despite the uncertainty, i find myself leaning more into the edge. i want to. i want to fall, but there's still another battle yet to come, a battle against my own family. although i am leaning towards one side over another, the uncertainty must be eradicated, and i will keep searching for the answers of whether my insides flutter at your presence, whether my heart beats faster at your words, and whether my breathing pauses at the sight of your name.

and the answer is near; it's in the small palm of my hand. it is no longer like the mist of early mornings; it's becoming more tangible, and i will grab ahold of it soon.

i will do it for you, and i will do it for me too.