the deluded ones [#2]

each

july 16th, 2017

three strikes, i'm out, but, here i am again. what time is it? why can my mind not let me rest? why do i have to torment myself through everything? i know i'm a monster, but isn't there any pity, anything, left in the world for monsters like me?

my head, oh, the world is spinning. am i going crazy? or am i already crazy?

my chest, the layer of bone and skin above my heart, it begins to hurt. the pain, why is it so alive? is my heart hurting? can my brain not bear any of this any longer?

it's so dizzying; why am i so awake? nothing looks normal, yet why is my head so alive? why can it not forget the words you said and the words i spoke? did i want a fight? what did i want?

i feel... i feel like i'm going to be sick. i want to throw up, but there's nothing in me to throw up. i can't throw up; i won't allow it.

"you can't. you can make it through this. you can."

i keep telling myself that; i keep thinking it like it's going to work, like it's gonna stop the physical pain near my heart or the sickness in my mind or the feeling in my throat.

and, for the third time, i ask god for an answer, but he just drifts me off to sleep with no reply.

why... why... w...