the deluded ones [#2]

formulate

july 7th, 2017

small realizations piece themselves together and find that they reveal the biggest surprise of all.

you are different; yes, i know. no two people are just quite the same in all respects of life. but the realization here is that you're just like him in the end.

and, as it seems, two years taught me nothing because here i am again, creating my own drama and tearing myself apart. i deluded myself into believing you were someone different, that you wouldn't ever make me feel this way.

but my mother was right. boys are liars, deceiving you till you become deluded by everything, and i guess you're one of them after all.

because you and me, we started out differently, but our story is unraveling again. i'm reliving the pain i brought upon myself two years ago with him when i lost him, and it's not about how you and him made me feel anymore. it's not about you moving onto others. it's the fact that everything we did, everything he and i did, everything you and i did, everything done as friends, is ending, and i'm losing you, just like i feared months before.

and it hasn't reached a year yet. and, at this rate, it won't make it. and i'll end up like her, crying over you because i don't know better, and i'm nothing after all.

but i already have, and there's only a few months before the next phase begins. the phase where i begin to fade away, and every memory made becomes nothing more than a blank slate. and you'll forget me. and you'll hate me if you don't. and you'll wish you never met me.

but i'll keep remembering. i'll keep failing to forget. i'll keep seeing you in things you said or loved when you see me in nothing i said or loved. i'll keep wishing i hadn't made the mistakes i did that made us end up this way. i'll keep asking why it's always like this everyday. i'll keep living in pain when the weather changes and sings your name.

and i'm stupid because i really thought i had learned from those days, but i'm still the same, entrusting too many and losing everything all over again.