the deluded ones [#2]

made

april 15th, 2017

it's late at night, and fear takes over my heart. as i sit and watch the moving people on the screen, a little far away from my mother, your name echoes over and over in my head as i ask, "where are you?"

it's so unlike you to not be around for five hours, and i'm so afraid that something has happened. i try to convince myself that you're fine and that perhaps you just came home, sleeping moments after you did due to exhaustion. but i can feel the haunting fear inside me, and it makes me eyes cry because how will i know if something has happened to you?

what if the chills i felt overtake me earlier at the church, where i had hoped to see you again before i left so that this time i could actually embrace you after promising to do so in the past, had meant something more?

it shakes me in the core, and i pray that you're okay, that your family is okay because i don't know.

i've invested too much of myself in you, and, if i lose you, i don't know what i'll do. as you said to me a few days before, how would i know if you're in the hospital because of a problem? how would i know?

and i'm so afraid that it keeps me up as i shake and tremble in the night falls with my head repeating your name again and again, hoping that you're safe. i hear it till i slip away into a darker world, but my heart still beats the same, rapidly but more fearful than ever.