the deluded ones [#2]

to

february 7th, 2017

you made me cry.

when you spoke your typed words and i read them on the other side, i felt it deep within my soul, something shook. so, in response, i apologized and said i'd leave you alone to reside with the flutters of your mind. in that moment, i turned it all off, so i wouldn't see your response because i was shaking.

for a few moments, i spent time in the company of my mother, providing her with the little comfort i could as we quietly rested in each other's gentle presence.

when i went back to the business that had overwhelmed me for ages on end, i began to cry, and i wiped my eyes for i believed that you were upset with me, and i asked myself why, oh why, did i have to bring up that topic.

it was soft tears mixed with quiet whimpers, gentle like the breeze but still filled with the turmoil of the gusty winds, and, when i got the courage to look, i saw that you'd sent so many words, trying to convey a message to me desperately.

it had all been a joke, and you had responded to it as if i had fallen for it until your reality set in. you knew. you knew that what you had done had actually pierced into my soul and tore me apart on a day that i had said had been pretty great.

you apologized profusely, sounding a little panicked, and you called me, wishing to speak to me in anyway.

it had been nearly an hour already, and i contemplated on my response because, when i saw it again, i could feel it rising, all of the pain rising and rising like my insides were being flooded second by second, time after time.

and even though i said it was alright, and even though i said not to worry, and even though you apologized so many times, and even though it hurt you a lot when you realized what you had done, and even though you had already had a rough time during this day, and even though the day had been lovely with a beautiful sky, and even though i know a part of you still blames yourself for your impulsive words, and even though i know you're restless, and even though i said no major damage was done, and even though i don't want to drag this on any longer than i need to, all i can hear is the same words over and over again, like a broken record on repeat for life.

you made me cry. you made me cry. you made me cry.

and the only reason i didn't call you back and instead spoke to you through typed words was because i was afraid if i heard your voice trying to apologize, my voice would crack, and it'd all start again, all over again. but you'll never really know that, i don't think you know that.

you made me cry. you made me cry. you made me cry.