What you know (Hamilton cast)

Forty-three

"Kelsey?" I ask. It's three in the morning but she is awake and looking out the window. "You're up." I see her silhouette turn before she moves and switches on the lamp near the bed. "We need to talk." I say, sitting down. She nods in agreement. She looks tired, sick, and small in a black sweater. Her skin is pale and her eyes are red and hopeless.

"I'm really sorry, Lin. Had I known I was going to cause this much trouble, I wouldn't have done that."

"What would you have done?" She bites her lip and looks at the wall. "Would you stay in the cast?" She nods.

"For sure."

"Did you miss it?"

"Definitely. I don't think that bookkeeping is enough for me, anymore. I enjoy being around artists. And stability never really was my thing." I laugh.

"I hope I can provide some for now. Until you're better. Let's establish some rules. No schoolwork for at least a week, no work for two months, no dancing for one, no mov-"

"No work? Lin, I thought you wanted me alive. I'm gonna starve to death." I laugh.

"No moving out of here until we and your therapist agrees. We will feed you."

"Bu-"

"No. I don't wanna hear it. You can come to the theater in a week and a half but for a while, you will be under constant supervision."

"Oh my god." She says, overwhelmed.

"This was not impulsive, Kelsey. You planned this for- how long?"

"Um, like, less than two months."

"And you were thorough. Your therapist finalizes all of this stuff. Also, you will eat three meals a day."

"Lin-"

"Are you going to protest eating?!" She laughs a little. "You should be on a diet to make you gain weight but I'm letting you pass right now with just eating. Now. You didn't tell anyone that you were being abused."

"I wasn't. It was only when I refused to have sex."

"Why couldn't you come to us?" She lets my words hang for a while.

"No one needs to hear about my issues-"

"Are you kidding? That's all we ever ask from you."

"Well, it seems like the more I tell, the more people want to know. And then they just realize what a mess I am and I've wasted their time."

"Kelsey, no." I say strictly.

"Yes, I always seem to mess things up."

"No!"

"I'm waiting for you to get sick of it."

"I won't."

"Nothing good can happen in my life without something bad happening at the same time."

"Kelsey." I say, grabbing her both her hands tightly and looking her in the eye. "No." I repeat. "That's not true!" I practically yell.

"I hate pity and I can't stand feeling the slightest bit sad for myself, and it only makes me hate myself more. I'm not gonna get better!"

"Kelsey!" I repeat her name, on my knees now. "You're sick. Don't you get it? You think it's hopeless because you're sick." She doesn't look scared. She isn't afraid of me. "It's not hopeless." I sit on my heals again and close my eyes. "You're severely depressed. You have PTSD. You can overcome that. Please. Don't lose all hope."

"This is stupid." She whispers. I open my eyes.

"What?"

"I'm just some random girl. Why does it matter at all, Lin? Why can't we be talking about how we can help people with no acess to water. Instead of that, we are talking about these things. My depression is just not important-"

"You didn't chose to be depressed."

"And people don't chose cancer."

"Kelsey, you have suffered a lot and maybe it's typically considered selfish to try to take your own life but I know you so well. You thought it would help people. It wasn't about you. I will just never understand why you think that someone who has cancer makes it so that you being abused and raped throughout your life any less horrible than it was." She is no longer looking at me. "You've come so far-"

"Lin, this is the second guy this year to do this to me-"

"Don't stop trying to get better. You started, an orphaned girl, tied up and raped."

"And I ended, an orphaned girl, held down, and raped."

"And you still went on stage eight times a week. Could you have done that before?" I let the question linger. "Goodnight." I stand up and flick off her light.

"Lin?"

"Yeah."

"Thanks."

"I already told you, Vanessa and I-"

"I know. I mean for that. I never asked myself that and I never would have." I smile.

"I love you, Kelsey." I say to my "little girl."

"You too." She says back, uneasily. Love must never be a word that comes easily to her, in any form, including to a parent or friend kind.