What you know (Hamilton cast)

Eighty-three

Kelseys POV
Why are all these parts of my childhood slowly starting to present themselves to me. Why can't it just be over? I can block it all out far better by not having to see anything left over from it. Oh yeah, other than my reflection. I still see her in me. The girl that just broke time after time again.

"I don't want them Lin!" I finally snap. I've been doing that more often. It must be a little annoying. But it's usually not for no reason, even if it isn't deserved.

"Okay. I'm sorry."

"No, I'm sorry. I just can't look at it."

"Is that way some of them are burned?"

"Yeah." I say, quietly. I look similar to the way I looked then. And I can't even deal with seeing that in the mirror.

"What if I send a few. And then you open it or don't. It's. Up to you. I'll send you the happier ones."

"That sounds okay. Thanks." Three knocks startle me.

"You okay?"

"Yeah. Just jumpy. I have to go. Have a good show."

"Bye." I unlock my door and let in Amber.

"Hows rehearsal going?" She asks, sitting at the counter.

"Just started."

"Do you have to learn it all over again?"

"I'm in the same spot, so no. Well, sorta. I have to be there during it." She nods, understanding. "And swing rehearsals. Hows the show?"

"I messed up today."

"Oh, what happened?" I ask, handing her a glass of water.

"Thanks. I missed a few words."

"Oh. Don't worry. It happens."

"Have you ever?"

"Yep."

"It kinda ruins the day."

"Well, depends. What did you miss?"

"Alexander Hamilton."

"You forgot the name?"

"I forgot to say it."

"Okay. That's nothing to be sad about. It's funny."

"I guess. But I don't know how I did that. Or how I forgot to say a state."

"No one would have noticed."

"Or missed a step."

"Which one?" She shows me. "That's a hard one. Messing up happens. I did it all the time. I almost passed out. And then they put me here."

"You did? Why?"

"Forget that. I don't wanna talk about that. Anyways, how much do you miss painting your nails any other color?" She laughs.

"A lot. You ask weird questions." I shrug. "So what have you been doing in Chicago? I haven't seen you."

"Rehearsal. Walking this ball of fur. Helped a neighbor move in and contacted an old friend. A ton of school. Oh and found some dance classes."

"Don't exhaust yourself."

"It's what I do best. Hows Piper?"

"Alright. Lucy?" I look back at the couch where she's curled up.

"Lucy." I call. She looks up and then rises to her feet before jumping off and running to greet Amber.

"Oh. I also started training her. Put your hand out. She bends down and does so.

"Lucy, shake." She lifts her paw and Amber laughs.

"What else?" I pretend to shoot Lucy and she plays dead. "That's a hard one."

"Took a while. Lucy, kiss." I put my face in front of her and she gives me a sorta kiss. Amber laughs as I stand up and Lucy follows to get a treat.

"Was getting a dog a mistake?"

"No. You were right. It's also a lot less lonely."

"You're lonely? I didn't know that. You should have come over."

"It's a different kind of lonely." She looks up from Lucy and at me. I break eye contact and start cleaning my dish from my cereal. I turn off the water and look back at her.

"I suck at choosing what to say and what not to. If I say anything sad like that, just ignore it, okay?"

"Well, I don't want to ignore it." She reaches over and pushes my mug aside. I grab the medicine bottle immediately.

"You might have to learn to ignore it if you're willing to be my friend."

"You're not gonna tell me anything?"

"Of course I will."

"Start with that."

"Antidepressants." I say, opening the cabinet and pushing them to the back.

"Should I be on the look out for any bad reactions to the medicine." I shake my head.

"I've been on it for years." I need to get a filter. Or just delay my responses so I think about what I'm about to say. My computer lights up and I turn to it, typing in my passcode.

"What?" She says when she sees my smile.

"Grades."

"You did well?"

"I thought I did horribly but they scaled it."

"So you did well."

"Yes."

"Let's celebrate. Get Lucy. We're going to the dog park and to get pastries." She tosses me the leash. If I just keep my mouth shut about my pain and my past, I might just be happy here.