What you know (Hamilton cast)

Forty

I look at her. Asleep and pale. So sick and scrawny. My hand shakes when I look back down at the paper the doctor gave me. It lists what she has done to herself. It sounds like she would be dead. But instead, she stirs. Vanessa puts Seb in his seat and moves closer, stroking her hair as she wakes to provide comfort. I'm glad that nothing will last. She amazingly has no damage from this. She looks up at me after a few blinks.

"I'm sorry. I didn't want to cause any trouble. I swear. I just wanted to be out of everyones lives." She says, quietly when she can speak.

"But we don't want you out if our lives."

"I've made everything harder than it needed to be. Lin, why did you hire me?"

"You're talented. We wanted talented people." She shakes her head.

"Why did you hire me?" She repeats.

"You're talented." I repeat. "And, you looked lost. So much talent and no job. I could tell from when I meet you that you were-" I trail off, trying to find better words but I can't, "-hurting. And everything you could do would go to waste. And I still won't let it. You're gonna be fine." She doesn't seem to believe me, but drifts back off to sleep.

I spend the time that I'm not at the theater or anything, next to her bed. I bring Seb and Vanessa comes after work. The cast visits but over the last two days, she has woken up six times and I was here for two of them, Carleigh for one, though she only apologized before falling asleep, and the nurses for the rest. She's awake when I wake up, though. Vanessa took Sebastian home before I fell asleep so I'm the only one here. It's dark outside and almost peaceful. For a hospital room, I mean. There are some flowers in the window but I remembered her saying to Sasha that she doesn't like that people put balloons and shit in hospital rooms because it just makes her depressed, in a conversation back when I first met her and I reminded the cast.

"You're awake." I say. She nods, staring at the ceiling. "Did you page the nurse?" She nods. "How are you feeling?" She stares for a moment and then looks over at me.

"Honestly. Starving." I smile and give a slight laugh.

"Yeah. They were about to put a tube in you."

"They still might." She says. "Probably if I'm diagnosed with anorexia." I nod, sadly. "That would suck." She says, laughing.

"So how did you obtain an entire bottle of vodka."

"Seriously? You're going to go all fatherly on me about alcohol now?" I nod.

"You're underage." I remind her, as if she doesn't hear it enough. "Okay, I know that you drink. I found it in your cabinet when you were sick and well, I kinda expected it."

"Why?"

"I don't know. I mean, most people your age do and you know. I knew you had a tough life. But I never saw a habit of it. In fact, I've never seen you drink."

"Because I don't like alcohol. I've said that before."

"Well, no more alcohol, drugs, and sex for you, Kelsey. You're moving in with V and I."

"Lin-"

"You don't have a say. You lost your say when you elaborately planned your suicide."

"I wouldn't call it elaborate."

"When did you plan it?"

"A month ago." She says, softly. "But I sorta failed if you can't tell. So no. Not elaborate." She looks away again. "I don't know how it failed."

"Neither do I." The nurse walks in right then, ending our conversation.
-
"She gave you permission to do this?" Vanessa asks again.

"Sorta."

"What's sorta mean?!"

"I told her that she had no choice." I say, unlocking the door.

"If she didn't want to go to a mental hospital, yeah. But going through her things?" I flick on the lights.

"She knows we are here."

"And what if she can't find another apartment. You know Tommy won't let her back after that."

"Not for months, no, but she was good. She might even audition for something else and get it instead."

"After a suicide attempt?"

"Come on, like thirty percent of actors have been suicidal. Our lives suck." I laugh. "But not mine. I've got you." I say, kissing her before grabbing a suitcase out of the closet. "And it wouldn't go on her resume."

"On her medical records."

"There's a shit ton of crap on there." I say. "We still gave her the job." She looks more concerned then she did before. "V, it will be fine. It's this or a mental hospital and she will still have to pay rent." She nods and goes to the closet.

"It just feels wrong. Oh my god." I look over. "I don't think our job will be hard."

"Yeah. She doesn't own much. She probably got rid of some recently, thinking she would die." Vanessa takes the gray Hamilton sweater, a dress, and a coat off the hooks and folds them as I fold three shirts, and a pair of leggings, jeans, and shorts. It's almost like she went on a short vacation.

"I guess this was all in case she survived." I notice that the chair is gone and her sheets and pillow. There is a fold up chair on the ground and her blanket folded on her bed. Approaching her shelfs, I find three books.

Flowers for Algernon
The diary of Anne Frank
To kill a mockingbird

Next to them is a jewelry box with a chain, a ring, and two folded chokers. Then a sketchbook that V tells me not to look in without her permission, so I decide to later, and some sheet music. Vanessa puts a pair of sneakers and the clothing from the other drawer in as I put the items from the shelf in.

I put her schoolwork in a bag along with a shoebox V finds under the bed. Then her small makeup bag. I grab her backpack and look around. There is nothing else here. Just an empty kitchen, an empty bed with just a mattress, a fold up chair, and some broken blinds. We leave the room and get a cab.