What you know (Hamilton cast)

Sixty-eight

We are joined by Candace who sits down across from me and I quickly get the sense that these people like to joke around.

"You're gonna scare her." Sam says.

"Try me." I challenge.

"Hey, you sure you don't need anything more filling?" Candace asks.

"Nope. This will fill me." She nods, glancing at Amber and then back at me, her smile returning.

"So you performed in New York. How long?"

"Well, I did two months and then I left for a while but then came back for a while so it got kinda complicated. And somewhere in the time I wasn't doing it, I did a two show."

"Why just two?"

"Everyone was losing their voices and they needed someone to play Peggy."

"Wow. That's cool."

"Thanks."

"So why did you decide to leave?"

"Um, Tommy wasn't going to allow me to perform. It's kinda a long story."

"Is that the long that you think we would get bored, or that you don't want to explain?" Justice asks.

"You don't have to." Amber says. "But we'll listen if you want."

"I was keeping secrets from the cast and lying about my weight and injuries." I say quietly. None of them ask but they all wait for an explanation. "Abusive boyfriend. He got in trouble for a few other things too and he's in jail." They nod, looking back at their meals. "I made that awkward."

"No, don't worry about it. I'm glad your safe." Amber says, her eyes drifting to my salad and water. I really shouldn't have said anything.

"Thanks."

"Thanks for not wanting you hurt?" I shrug and look at another table.

"Yeah." A few minutes pass before Amber whispers that she doesn't want to force me to finish my salad so I pick up the pace a little bit, continuing to listen to their stories. I don't talk anymore except to ask quiescent. Amber's probably glad that she doesn't have to say anything to Lin about me not eating. All concern goes away quickly. I think that has a lot to do with why I'm here. Why Andy thought of it, why Lin agreed, and why I wanted to come. We just talk and laugh and I get to learn a bunch about the Chicago cast.

While we walk back, my phone starts ringing.

"Oh, It's Lin."

"Go ahead and answer it." Sam says.

"Thanks." I let them walk a little ahead of me as I press answer.

"How's Chicago?" Lin says.

"Good. Cold."

"Where are you?"

"Walking home from dinner."

"Oh. Okay, I'll let you go just text me tonight."

"Yeah, sure."

"Bye." He says. The call ends.

"-staying with Lin after a suicide attempt. She's getting better though-" I don't understand a few words since she's speaking silently. "It pushed her over the edge so don't show too much concern."

"Okay. We'll just have fun."

"She has stuff to do tomorrow. But tomorrow night. Maybe you could bring a game over."

"Yeah, I have a few."

"Okay. See you Tuesday. Bye, Lin." I say, as if I were still talking to someone. Sam turns around as I catch up to them.

"Do you wanna watch a movie tonight?" She asks.

"Sure, what movie?" They all shrug. "What's your favorite?"

"Yeah um, Schindler's list."

"Isn't that three hours."

"More."

"Okay, um second favorite?"

"You don't want to watch my favorites. Their all about history and long and sometimes depressing."

"Try me."

"The English Patient. Anna Karenina."

"Let's see what I own. Warning, none of those." I laugh, not expecting her to. It's not anything against anyone. I try to chose boring movies to help me get to sleep. Schindler's list definitely did not put me to sleep.

We go back and watch a movie and soon they head back to their apartments.

"I'm right in there if you need anything." Amber tells me.

"Thanks. And thanks for letting me stay here."

"No problem." She starts towards her room and then stops. "Time change."

"What?"

"Why aren't you falling asleep? It's one in the morning in your head."

"Do you get tired at one in the morning?" I say, knowing she's up later.

"Yeah, sometimes. But Lin said that you wake up early." I shrug.

"I'll get tired soon." She nods and walks back into the other room. Fuck insomnia.
-
"Did you sleep at all?" I look up to see amber in the doorway.

"Yeah. I woke up like a half hour ago."

"Oh. Good. I thought you'd stayed up all night." I laugh.

"That would not be smart."

"What are you working on?" She asks, walking behind the counter and opening the cupboard.

"School."

"School?"

"Yeah. I'm trying to get my degree online."

"Oh, what in?"

"Bookkeeping. Not a passion, but a living." She nods.

"Our body's can't do this forever. Short career, generally.

"Well, I thought Renée was ten years younger than she is when I met her. But she's Renée." I say as I shut my things and walk to the counter.

"Toast and eggs?"

"Thanks but I don't normally eat breakfast."

"I promised Lin."

"Fine."

"I don't want to be rude or anything so you don't have to answer, but what was that about?"

"I've struggled with eating disorders in my teens and I guess I relapsed when I started the show." I say with a shrug. "I'm a lot healthier now." She glances up at me from the toaster, skimming me. Wrong thing to say.

"Good?" She says, not totally believing me.

"I swear I was. I just lost some weight recently but that was just because my dad got out of jail and I was-" I put my hands on my head. "I'm gonna shut up now."

"No. It's alright. I swear, I can be serious." I laugh.

"Sorry. Sometimes I say something and the rest just follows."

"That wasn't the rest. The suicide attempt article- was that true? You don't have to answer. It's up to you."

"It was but I don't wanna die anymore. I've said like way too much since I got here so I'm gonna stop." The toast pops up, interrupting us. "That always scare me more than clowns with knifes." She laughs, taking them out.

"Let's forget about what I asked you, okay? You can talk if you need to but I know you agreed to come because there was too much concern when you were in New York. So lets have breakfast and then have a good class and I'll see you after that."

"Sounds good. I can help make the eggs." I say, standing up.

"Thanks. They're on the second shelf." I nod and go to retrieve them. We move on and I do forget about what she asked me.