What you know (Hamilton cast)

Fifty-two

"Alright. I've had it. Let the girl dance." Vanessa says, walking into the room.

"What?" I ask, looking up from my computer, confused from the lack of context. She puts her phone down in front of me. "Jessica?"

"It's her friends page."

Another video from my old CD's sorry! Here's @kelseymemmot and I in high school being sooooo rebellious.

I press play. If I hadn't known about Kelseys past, I would have just thought that she is malnourished or sick in some way for she is pale and thin. She might have looked more decent if she's had a bit of weight on her, but that isn't to say that she dressed fashionably or that she would look back on and wonder why she would wear that, granted it was only a few years ago. It was a basic outfit on her thin frame.

She has on a blue zip up sweater, leggings, and some old Jazz shoes, standing on a high school stage with who I now recognize as Jessica. The stage is the same one I had seem in person. She actually looks very similar to how she looks now, dressing similar too.

"We're not supposed to be in here." Jessica says, looking in the camera. Kelsey turns, half out of the shot, in the background.

"They don't care."

"Anyways, welcome to episode three of a miserable freshmen year. Today with Kelsey who doesn't care about this. But, I'm giving her candy. So here's our dance." Jessica stands up and backs up. Kelsey isn't in the shot for ten seconds but then she ends up in it.

"That's how she looked performing."

"Like she was enjoying herself?"

"Well, she was covering it up with acting, but yeah. Something changes based on how she feels. But I don't want her back in classes. She's not healthy."

"Well, we'll make a deal with her." I watch her do a set of turns, opening her leg to the side at the end. It's a contemporary dance and fast. "If she eats, she dances. If not, she doesn't. She dances for free so we don't need to pay or fight her to let is.

"You know they'll ask her to work as soon as she starts dancing there."

"Fine. Andy's looking for assistants for some classes. And she can't teach yet. We wont let her. She's eager to out her life back together, Lin. I can see it in her. She can't sit around anymore."

"It hasn't been long at all."

"But this is Kesley. The girl who went from the happiest we or maybe anyone has ever seen her to the bathroom floor with a slit wrist in no time." I sigh.

"Fine."
...
"Ow." I laugh glancing over at her.

"Warned you." She puts her bag down, picking up Seb who is begging to be lifted.

"Hey, bud. When did you get so heavy." She says, sore.

"Since you took four hours of classes after not dancing for a while." I say. She laughs, walking over to the counter.

"Thanks for letting me go." I hand her an apple.

"Your welcome. Now I'm concerned for your health. I'll take the kid, you eat the apple." We exchange but Seb reaches for Kelsey. "I've been replaced."

"Yeah, you have! Come to me kid." I fake glare at her as I hand him back. She sits down at the stool with him in her lap, taking a bite of her apple.

"Well, I'm bringing Seb to V in a few minutes. So enjoy your time now." She laughs and bites the apple again. I dread leaving her but at least it isn't for long. I always dread leaving her alone. And now Sebastian isn't going to be there.

I'm quick to drop him off because I don't have to wait for the subway. I'm right on time. Even on the way back, I only wait a minute. Lucky day. I decide that I'll go get Kelsey before I get the sandwiches because no one else knows she's alone and are checking in. It seemed useless to tell her since it was such a short trip. Plus, she seemed fine when I left and we've been using plastic knifes since she came here.

I walk down the hall of my condo, seeing into the room before she knows I'm here. I stop, feeling like I should have been louder coming in before as a warning, but also shocked by her tiny frame. She has on a sports bra and shorts and looks so sick. I look farther through the crack in the door and I can see her face now because of the reflection. At first she looks sad as she skims herself over with her eyes. Hurt. Hateful. The way she looks at herself hurts me as much as the completely visible ribs, nothing between them and her skin. Her eyes drift to the side and she looks surprised. She caught sight of me.

"Lin!" She grabs a blue shirt off of the bed and pulls it over herself. I feel bad, but she's always trying so hard to ignore herself, I couldn't help but watch the moment where she actually looked at herself.

"Sorry." She crosses her arms over herself turning away and looking at the ground. Not only was that more of her than anyone, even the girls ensemble who shared a dressing room with her, has been aloud to see, but it was kinda intimate because again, she's been ignoring herself. Especially lately. Maybe because we're always noticing her and I know that she doesn't like it. We don't treat her as much of an adult as we would for someone who wouldn't slit their wrist. "Hey, I'm sorry, Kelsey." I say, walking to the door and opening it more so I can talk to her.

"It's fine."

"I was just scared when I saw how bony you are. I shouldn't have stood there."

"It's fine." She repeats, turning around but not looking quite at me as she folds her last shirt.

"Really? It doesn't seem it."

"It's not you. Don't stress. I know you wouldn't for the same reason that they did." I grab her shoulders and turn her around to face the mirror on the wall. She only flinches slightly at my touch, almost like she doesn't realize it's me but is fine a fraction of a second later.

"What do you see here?"

"Same thing you see."

"Are you sure of that?" She points to the bag in the corner. The things that Jazzy and Pippa picked because apparently she was staring at a tile on the floor for a half hour.

"I don't fit into any of that that and they know my size from around the time I went on leave."

"So you want to gain weight?" I ask, excited. She nods and I hug her, squeezing her so hard that she complains that she can't breath before asking what's for dinner.