What you know (Hamilton cast)

Eighty-four

"I can afford food!" Justice raises her eyebrow. "I got my paycheck." I clear it up.

"Oh." Sam says as I shut my mailbox in between the doors.

"Oh, now I can't eat." I say, getting to a bill. She rolls her eyes. I flip through them and then set them down on my counter when we get up there.

"You got one from Lin." Amber says, looking at the pile. I glance at it.

"Oh, yeah. I did." I pull it out from the pile, pick up my bag, bring it to the side of my bed and tossing the envelope on my bed.

"What is it?"

"Pictures that I lost when I was there." I say, taking off my second layer. I retrieve a sweater from the closet and pull it over my shirt as they talk at the counter. My phone starts ringing.

"Hello?"

"Hey."

"Jackson, you said you wouldn't call for three months."

"I couldn't help it. Of course you could."

"I came very close."

"But you have so much more self control than I do."

"That doesn't say much considering you made yourself sick at a flee market." I say.

"Those cookies were amazing." I roll my eyes, even though he can't see.

"Hold on." I walk towards the door. "I'll be back in a minute." I tell them before stepping into the hall.

"I miss you." He says.

"I miss you too. But I don't wanna cry tonight so I can't talk too long."

"Stop being cute."

"I didn't know that being sad is cute."

"It's a different kind of sad."

"Yes. There's hopeless and drowning sad and god I wish you would get on a plane, and come here and kiss me."

"I want to."

"Why don't you?"

"I just might." I laugh.

"That would be a waste of money."

"Never."

"How's New Hampshire."

"Not too good. My friend broke his leg."

"Oh, shit. Skiing?"

"Yeah. Took a nasty fall."

"Awe."

"I should probably go check on him. His pain meds are wearing off. Can we get rid of that three month rule?"

"As dumb as it might be, yes. The rule is gone. I will call you after rehearsal."

"Can't wait. Love you."

"Jackson."

"Force of habit. Bye."

"Bye." I open my door.

"Sam!" She hurries back to the table.

"I knew it was a boy!"

"Are we in ninth grade?"

"Who is he?"

"He's my ex boyfriend."

"Didn't sound like it."

"We're on a break."

"That's what Rachel said."

"This isn't even similar to that."

"When you start dating a guy, what will he say?"

"He told me to. I told him to date."

"Could you sit down to talk."

"I don't want to talk about this and I have to get dressed." I would shower but we didn't dance today. I go into the bathroom and put on my skirt and tights. My sweater is navy blue and my skirt black.

"I loon like a fucking schoolgirl." God, I hope those picture of me in my uniform aren't im that pile. "Can I borrow some saddle shoes."

"You look fine."

"I don't wanna do this."

"You were happy about it."

"Cause it might help but it's not even like an internship. I'm just gonna see what it's like. Who wants to help an account for a day?"

"Boring."

"And I'm twenty and wearing this."

"It doesn't look like a uniform."

"I hope you're right. I'm gonna go now. Spare key is on the top of the fridge. Don't touch that cabinet, my mail, or- I'm telling you too much. Just leave soon."

"Have fun."

"Bye."
-
I collapse on the bed, feeling something underneath me. I grunt, pulling the envelope out from under me.

"Fuck." I forgot all about it. I can't help it. I tear the envelope and let them fall onto the bed, my childhood splattered before my eyes, all at once. "Lin, how could you?" I say, picking one up where I am hurt. He sent them all. Not the letters. Just the pictures. It's not his fault though. I sit back up and grab my jacket and keys, not caring where I'm going.

"Kelsey? I thought you went home." Amber says, standing outside of a restaurant with Candace. I told them that I didn't want to go. I keep walking, not letting them see my face.

"It's not her." Candace says.

I feel someone grab my hand and I turn around.

"It's ten at night in a new city and your alone." Amber says.

"Can you do me a favor?"

"What?"

"I opened an envelope I shouldn't have and everything it it fell out. I can't go back in there."

"Do you want me to put it back in the envelope?"

"Please. You don't have to but if you don't mind-"

"I don't. Candace, stay with Kelsey." She takes my keys and starts towards my place. It's close by so it isn't really a problem. We sit on the bench, watching cars and pedestrians when I remember the fact that she's going to see the pictures. Maybe she won't see the injuries and will only wonder what would make my childhood so hard to see pictures from.

I just want things to be different here.

It wasn't Lin's fault. They just fell out at once. He didn't know that it would happen like that.