What you know (Hamilton cast)

Sizty-three

I don't know how long we sit here for when I hear her say that I'm freezing. Odd because I just danced but I haven't eaten much and it's cold in here.

"Come on. Let's get you out of here." I let her help me up and lead me to my bag, turning my sweater around from being inside out as I take the shoes off and put them in my bag. I take off my shirt, leaving me in a sports bra, unfortunately showing Carleigh that I'm still unhealthy in the process of exchanging it for the sweater. She doesn't look tight at me though so It's okay. Though I see her glance at my clear ribs. We don't speak but I grab my bag and we start walking with her.

I want to thank her for being there but I can't. I guess I can text her later.

"Do know any sign language? Just basic words like 'water' or 'sleep' and stuff." I nod. It's been a while but we had two people in our school that were deaf.

"Is this the first time you've gone mute." I lift my hands to sign but she's not gonna know so I pull out my phone and just text her the first time that I didn't chose it.

"What do you mean?"

I CAN'T speak. I've been trying but I can't.

"Oh." She turns into a bookstore and I follow her. "Just so that we can communicate some basic words with you until you can talk again." She says, taking a sign language dictionary off the shelf.

You don't have to communicate with me

She doesn't check her phone though and gets it before taking me back to Lin's.

Despite my protest, Carleigh sends pictures of basic signs so that they can understand me.

Help
Pain
Water
Sleep
Go
Need
Thanks
Food

They all thank her and I thank them for learning them but also beg them not to. They ignore me.

"So you seriously can't figure out how to talk?"

"Let me see. NO. Oh my god! I can't tell it's in my brain! I only know that my mouth isn't moving and you're not responding and it sounds different. I guess I can kinda say anything then. GET RID OF ME. I'm hopeless. But if I said that out loud, you would just refuse and say I'm not even though I am. Your fly is down. Haha made you look. But you didn't actually look 'cause you can't fucking hear me! Well, I wouldn't do that out loud. I'm slightly more mature than that. I'm also so tired that I don't know what's going on in my brain." I only nod though because none of that comes out if my mouth.

My mind is going off subject because I'm kinda just distracting myself from this giant fear that has trapped me in silence even though the fear has little to nothing to do with physically pain but forever feeling unsettled knowing that he'll be out there. And that he might hurt someone else. I'll never forgive myself if he does and I wouldn't have a reason to be mad at myself because I can't stop him. And whoever it is would have to live with it. It's not fair.

"It's gonna be okay." He says. "He's not gonna hurt you." I stand up and open my notebook to a blank page.

Then who will he?

"Ten years in prison must have taught him something. Don't worry about that." That won't stop me from worrying. "I wish you'd speak." I wish I would too. "Are you going to be alright while we're in DC?" I nod. "You sure?" I nod again. "I'm leaving early in the morning. We won't be gone long. Have fun at your class, okay? Night." I wave as he leaves and I get ready for bed.

Carleigh: You alright bean?

Kelsey: bean?

Carleigh: yep. It's your new nickname. Daveed decided.

Kelsey: great. Stop checking up on me and go live your life.

Carleigh: oh just answer the question

Bean: yes I'm fine. Bye.

Carleigh: we check up because we want too kels

I mean bean.

Bean: OMG GO LIVE. Goodnight. Thanks again for being there for me❤️im always here if you need anything too

Carleigh: for it wont be long, till I'm gonna need somebody to lean on. ❤️np night.