Can't Afford To Lose Another Second With You (Scömìche)

Honesty

I didn't know what had happened that day, but I knew it was something. It had to be. Because Mitch- I just couldn't get him out of my mind anymore. It's been two weeks now and I have barely spoken to him since that day, but damn... I would be lying if I said I didn't want to.

I've been looking for him everywhere at lunch break, I went outside again, hell I even went to the restrooms but he just wasn't there. I just saw him twice in those two weeks and only for a quick hello when we passed each other in the hallway. Art class? Every day my eyes had been locked on the door hoping he would just be late, but no. No Mitch.

Was he trying to avoid me? He couldn't be sick, I had seen him at school after all. But that just worried me even more. What if I had made him uncomfortable and he didn't know how to address it? But no. This was Mitch. He might seem like he's helpless, but he does have at least some confidence.

I wasn't going to lie to myself. Well... I had made that promise to myself, but making promises doesn't mean you're not going to break them. As soon as I made it I knew I couldn't keep it. But I wanted to be real with myself. At least for ten minutes. So I had a plan.

When I was getting boxes full of sweatshirts and jackets from the basement, I found my old diary I had kept when I was fifteen. I hadn't made an entry ever since, but I felt tempted to write now. This would be the only place I could just be honest for a moment. I've always had this issue, that I tried to tell myself the things I wanted to believe until I actually believed they were true. That's why I had bought the diary in the first place. It was supposed to keep me real, at least with myself.

I wiped the dust from the cover and opened it up. Three years had passed since I'd opened it last. I took my pen and scribbled today's date on the top of the empty page.

10/14/16

I felt like an idiot writing into this notebook. Wasn't that what little kids usually did? But I ignored it and forced myself to keep writing.

I feel weird. There is a boy in my year, his name is Mitch, and I recently stood up for him when he was being bullied. Brian and the others did it, they said he was gay and insulted him pretty bad. I felt like I had to do something, even though we are not even close. But no one deserves that. Especially not him. That day we hung out together on campus and talked a bit. He's much different than I thought he would be. He's just... messing with my mind. I haven't seen him since then. Maybe he's avoiding me? I'm worried. What if something bad happened?

I just couldn't write it down. The thing that's been on my mind for literally weeks and I couldn't even admit it to myself.

I think I... want him to be my friend.

I put my pen down and stared at the lines. It just didn't seem right. I let out a deep breath.

I think I... am attracted to him. In a weird way. It's... weird. It kind of feels good.

Oh my goodness what had I done? No. I- no. Abort.

I think he's pretty cool.

I think I have feelin-

I slammed my notebook closed and threw it onto my bed along with my pen. A desperate sigh escaped my mouth. God... What kind of hole was this that I had ended up in?